Healing the Grief of Unrealized Dreams from Miscarriage and Infertility
- Brainz Magazine
- Mar 18
- 17 min read
Danijela is an award-winning therapist, educator, public speaker, and contributor to revolutionising mental health and fertility therapy, and creator of an innovative approach to helping women overcome mental barriers to conception and pregnancy. She has developed a course that upskill professionals to achieve great results with pregnancy issues.
There is probably no greater pain than that inflicted by the loss of a child. Children should not die before their parents, and no parent should ever have to experience the pain due to the loss of a child. What many people don’t understand is that, very often, pregnancy represents the realization of a dream that may have started in a person’s childhood and is one of the oldest dreams that is carried deep in the heart.
Many women began to dream about motherhood in their childhood, rehearsing the role of mother by holding their little dolls in their arms. They imagined whether they would have two or three children, whether they would have a son or a daughter or twins, and so they mentally rehearse this role even in childhood. When you experience a pregnancy loss, you’re not only grieving for a baby but for the dreams, hopes, and potential of what you believed was to come alive, not yet lived. In the grieving process, although difficult, anxiety is an even more common symptom after miscarriage rather than depression.
What is a miscarriage?
A miscarriage is the loss of an embryo before it is able to live outside the uterus, resulting in the unplanned end of a pregnancy. Approximately 10 % to 20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage. It is a sudden loss of a pregnancy before the 20th week.
Parents dealing with the pain of losing a child also deal with reproductive trauma. They lost numerous dreams and, with them, numerous hopes. Very often, I hear my clients in therapy say things like “I’m sorry I’ll never see you crawl,”; “I’m sorry I’ll never hear your first word,s”; “I’m sorry I’ll never hug you, “; “I’m sorry I’ll never hear you laugh”; “I’m sorry we won’t celebrate any holidays together.” It doesn’t matter when and how pregnancy loss occurs. What matters is the fact that it is one of the most difficult and painful moments in a person’s life that leaves a mark on a person’s whole life. Everyone grieves differently, and when it comes to dealing with a miscarriage or other pregnancy loss, there is no single emotional formula that must be followed. Losing a baby is called the invisible grief and loss. It is a death a woman experiences in her own body. There is no death a woman experiences more intimately than one that literally passes through her. It is very traumatic and overwhelming and many women in this situation tell themselves “I can never go through this again”. This is a direct instruction to the mind to ensure you never go through it again by never becoming pregnant again.
When a woman has lost a baby at birth, they can feel terribly guilty that their body failed the baby. They have more guilt and fear that having another child will make them forget the one they lost. On a subconscious level, they punish themselves by denying themselves another baby, even though they’re unaware that they’re doing this.
I worked with a client who came to me for secondary infertility. During her pregnancy with twins, and due to certain complications, one of the twins had to be removed from the womb. She felt enormous guilt for celebrating the birth of one twin and the burden of loss and grief over losing the other baby. She expected to give birth to two babies, having developed a connection with both babies, but only gave birth to one. This loss causes unspeakable and unbearable pain, and linking pain with pregnancy creates a mental block on a subconscious level, stopping women from conception and becoming the underlying cause of secondary infertility. This trauma is also affecting their future expectations of pregnancy. All human pain is linked to loss, and by linking pregnancy with pain, they are expecting to go through the same experience in the future. They are expecting to go through this again, but they also want to avoid their loved ones feeling pain, as they, too, will be affected by the repeated loss of a baby.
What is the best way to cope with the loss of a baby?
Different couples cope, process, and confront their grief in completely different ways.
You may find that after some momentary sadness, you are able to put the experience behind you more quickly than you might have expected, and instead of lingering over the loss, you may choose to look ahead to trying again. Alternatively, you may find yourself deeply saddened, even devastated by the loss, and discover that healing comes surprisingly slowly, or you may handle the loss more as a bump in the road to having a baby. Many of my clients ask me what the perfect time is to try to become pregnant after a baby loss. The perfect time to try again is the time that is perfect for you.
What factors contribute to the sense of loss?
There are a number of factors that may contribute to your sense of loss:
1. How long it took you to conceive?
Very often, the longer it took, the more painful the loss may feel. For example, if you conceived with the help of an assisted reproduction, after many failed procedures, the greater the emotional investment in the pregnancy and the greater the loss may feel. However, research has shown that the intensity and duration of grief are not necessarily driven by the duration of the pregnancy but rather by the woman’s attachment to the pregnancy and to what extent she perceives the developing baby as a person rather than a fetus. (Freedle, A., & Oliveira, E., 2022).
2. Time constraints
If you feel the pressure of your biological clock, you may also feel the loss more intensely as you worry ‘if time will run out.’ Also, the length of pregnancy, namely, the longer you were pregnant, the more time you had to connect to your baby. Alternatively, the more losses you have had, the more grief often builds with each loss and/or may contribute to a sense of hopelessness, powerlessness, or even numbness. Since so many women suffer a miscarriage at least once during their reproductive years, you may be surprised to find how many other people you know have had the same experience as you but never talked about it with you or maybe even talked about it to anyone at all. If you don’t feel like sharing your feelings or don’t feel you need to, then don’t. Do only what is right for you.
3. The grieving process
If you have suffered a miscarriage, remember that you have the right to grieve as much or as little as you need to. Do this in any way that helps you heal and eventually move on in your own way and in your own time. For many parents, finding some form of closure is a vital step in the recovery process, but it is in some ways harder when there is nothing tangible left to say goodbye to. Women face many barriers to disclosure and adequate social support because of the stigmatized nature of miscarriage, which may impact positive, post-loss adjustment. Perhaps you will find closure by sharing your feelings individually through a support group, online with others who have experienced early miscarriage, or by organizing a private ceremony with close family members or just you and your partner.
4. Remembering
Accept that you will likely always have a place in your heart for the pregnancy you lost, and you may feel sad on the anniversary of the due date of your last baby or the anniversary of the miscarriage itself, even years later. If you find it helps, plan on doing something special to commemorate these dates, such as planting some new flowers or a tree. While it’s normal to mourn your loss and important to come to terms with it your way, you should also start to gradually feel better as time passes. For many women, it could take six months before feeling better, and for others, it could be up to two years. Try to remind yourself that you can and most likely will become pregnant again and give birth to a healthy baby if that’s what you decide you want. For the vast majority of women, a miscarriage is a one-time event. If you don’t feel better and you have continued trouble coping with everyday life, such as not eating or sleeping, not being able to focus at work, feeling isolated from family and friends, or if you continue to feel very anxious, then it is time to get professional help such as counseling. Finding a therapist can help you recover.
The following may help you cope
Maybe you feel irritable and short-tempered, depressed, and anxious. You may feel empty and lonely even if you are surrounded by people who love you. Maybe you will feel deep sadness and then hope to try again. All of this is normal. Feel the way you need to. Write about it. Journal all your feelings, the sad ones, the anxious ones, the angry ones, the ones you do not feel you can share with anyone else. Dr.Henry Maudsley, a British psychiatrist, used to say this: “The sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep.” Cry if you need to for as long and as often as you feel you need to.
Take all the time you need. The grieving process usually has many steps, including denial, isolation, anger, depression, and acceptance. Everyone experiences grief differently and recovers differently. Do not rush the process, but do not prolong it either once you feel it is time to move on.
Do not face the world alone. If you are dreading the friendly faces asking about the baby, take a friend who can field questions. The first few times you face the world, be sure that those at work and other places you go to frequently are aware of your loss, so don’t do any more explaining than necessary.
Realise that some friends and family may not know what to say or do. Some may be so uncomfortable that they withdraw. Others may say things that hurt more than help such as ‘Oh you can have another baby’ or ‘It wasn’t meant to be’. Though they certainly mean well, they may not understand that another baby can never take the place of the one you lost and that parents can become attached to a baby long before birth. If you frequently hear comments that hurt, ask a close friend or relative to let others know that you would rather they just say they’re sorry about your loss.
Turn to religion if you find it comforting. For some grieving parents, faith is our great source of solace. For others, a tragedy can have them questioning their faith.
Expect the pain to lessen over time. At first, there may be only bad days, then a few good days mixed in. Eventually, there will be more good days than bad, but remember that the grieving process has no fixed timetable, and it may not be fully complete for two years, but the worst is usually over after three to six months. If, after six to nine months, your grief remains the centre of your life, if you’re having trouble functioning or focusing or have little interest in anything else, it is time to get professional help and support.
Look for support from those who have been there. You may find comfort in a local or online support group for parents who have lost infants. However, try not to let such a group become a way of holding onto rather than letting go of your grief.
Recognise that fathers grieve, too. Fathers who have lost a baby are likely to feel as much grief as mothers, but they may express and process differently. Not only for the obvious reason that the mother carried the baby, the baby was in his wife’s body, but also because he is likely trying to be strong for his woman. Remember, for better or worse, that’s how men are hormonally wired, culturally programmed, and traditionally raised. His feelings of pain may be compounded by frustration or anger of not being able to do one of the two things men have to do, namely protect and fix. He could not t protect the baby you both created, he couldn’t protect you, and he could not fix what happened. He may feel powerless, hopeless, angry, frustrated. He may not cry, or he may try not to cry in front of you. He may be stoic, or he may withdraw, or he may try to distract himself with work or other activities. None of these mean that he does not feel the same pain you feel, that his heartache is not real. He may also find it helpful to talk with another father who has been through a loss. Let him grieve in his way as you are in yours. Understand that he perhaps does not want to talk about his feelings at all.
A surrogate pregnancy, a personal loss
Though the loss did not happen in your body, and even if the pregnancy wasn’t conceived with your egg or with your partner’s sperm, you’re entitled to feel all the same emotions as any couple experiencing a loss might feel, from heartbreak to anger and resentment and guilt. You’re entitled to grieve in any way you need to.
The pregnancy was the miracle that was finally going to bring you the baby or babies you and your partner longed for but couldn’t have naturally. The financial investment may have been large, but the emotional investment is far greater. Just as pregnancies conceived the traditional way sometimes end in miscarriage or stillbirth, so do surrogate pregnancies. If you have experienced the loss of a surrogate pregnancy, it can be just as real and just as deeply painful. If you lost a baby you were carrying, and if you had the last pregnancy before turning to surrogacy, it might seem like a very cruel twist of fate.
Time may not heal all, as there will always be a little piece of your heart that’s been taken, but time will definitely help. In the meantime, knowledge can be powerful.
Find out as much as you can about what may have caused your miscarriage or what you and your practitioner might be able to do to prevent another. Patience and support may be your best remedies. Most of all, try to let go of any feelings of guilt or self-blame with the help of a professional therapist or counsellor.
Very often, mothers who have suffered multiple miscarriages feel that their bodies failed the baby and that they are unable to accomplish the most fundamental female function. They feel that they have no control over their bodies, but miscarriages are not their fault. Instead, try to focus on how strong you have been, even if you have not always felt that strong, and how determined you are to have a baby.
Coping with the loss of one twin or more
Parents who lose one twin or more babies, in the case of triplets or quadruplets, face celebrating a birth or birth and mourning a death or death at the same time if this happens. You may feel too conflicted to either mourn your lost baby or enjoy your living one. A vitally important process is understanding why you feel the way you do, and it may help you better cope with your feelings, which may include all or just some of the following. You may feel disappointed. It is normal to be sad over the loss of this excitement, especially if you have been imagining and planning for the arrival of multiple babies. You may even feel regret when seeing sets of multiples. Don’t feel guilty about feeling that way, as it’s completely understandable.
You may feel heartbroken. You have lost the baby, and the fact that you have another does not minimise your loss. Realise that you’re entitled to mourn the baby you’ve lost even as you’re celebrating your other baby's birth. Mourning that loss is an important part of the healing process.
You may be happy but ambivalent about showing it. It may seem somehow inappropriate to be excited about the arrival of your surviving baby or even disloyal to the one who didn’t live. That’s a natural feeling, but you need to try to let go of it.
Loving and nurturing the sibling is a wonderful way of honouring your lost baby, besides it’s essential to your living baby’s well-being.
Perhaps you may view your baby’s death as a punishment because you really weren’t sure you wanted or could handle parenting multiples, or because you wanted a girl more than you wanted a boy, or vice versa. Though this kind of guilt is common among parents who experience a pregnancy loss of any kind, remember that nothing you did or thought or imagined or wished for could have caused the loss.
You may feel too depressed over your loss to care for your new baby, or if you are still pregnant, to care for your body, but taking the best possible care of yourself is very important. Your deeply unhappy or conflicted feelings are normal and completely understandable. Make sure that you get the help you need so you can start meeting your baby’s needs, both physical and emotional. Support groups may help and so can counselling.
You may feel that you are alone in your pain. Getting support from others who know what you are going through can help more than you can imagine. Find that support in a local support group or online. No matter what your feelings are, and given your situation, your feelings may be all over the emotional map give yourself time.
Facing loss during or after birth
Sometimes the loss of a baby occurs during labour or delivery or just after delivery.
Either way, your world comes crashing down. You have waited, prepared for, anticipated, and expected this baby for months, and now you are going home without your baby. There is no greater pain than that inflicted by the loss of a child no parent should ever experience this. Though nothing can completely heal the hurt you’re feeling, there are steps you can take to lessen the inevitable sadness that follows such a tragedy.
Ask to see and hold your baby, but also to name your baby. Grieving is a vital step in accepting and recovering from your loss, and it’s difficult to grieve for a nameless baby you have never seen. Even if your baby has malformations, experts advise that it is better to see him or her than not to because what is imagined is usually worse than reality. Holding your baby will make the death more real to you and ultimately easier to accept. Take time to focus on the details you want to remember, like long lashes, a small nose, beautiful hands, delicate fingers, and a head full of hair.
Get the support you need. There are many bereavement counsellors who specialise in helping grieving parents cope, and hospitals have grief counsellors who can help you. Ask for the help you need.
Do not rush to goodbye if you do not want to, and ask for and take the time you need. Collect the memories of your baby. Take photos or consider having portraits taken, and consider preserving your baby’s handprint and footprint and a lock of hair to have some tangible reminders to cherish in the future.
Honour your child's memory in a way that has to mean to you if that helps. Plant a tree or a new flower bed in your backyard or in a local park. Buy books for a childcare centre that serves children in need or donate to an organisation or clinic that helps at-risk expectant and new mothers.
Trying again after pregnancy loss
Deciding to try again for a new pregnancy and a new baby after loss is not always easy and definitely isn’t as easy as those around you might think. It is a very deep personal decision, and it can also be a painful one. Trying again for another baby after losing one or more takes courage. Give yourself the credit you deserve as you embark on this process. What is the right time to try again for a new baby? The right time is the time that is right for you. It may take just a short time for you to feel emotionally and physically ready to try for another baby, or it may take a much longer time. Do not push yourself or let others push you into trying too soon, and do not second guess yourself into waiting longer than you have to. Listen to your heart, and you will know when you are emotionally healed and when you are ready to contemplate a new pregnancy.
You know that not all pregnancies end happily, which means you probably will not take anything about your new pregnancy for granted. You may feel more nervous than you did the last time, especially until you have passed the anniversary of the week you lost your last pregnancy. You may even hesitate to attach yourself to your baby until that fear of loving and losing again has disappeared. Working with a therapist can help you eliminate all underlying fears.
The most common fears linked to pregnancy
My clients are facing these fears. “My body will fail the baby,” or “I have no control over my body,” “I fear experiencing miscarriage or stillbirth again,” “I fear genetic illnesses,” “I am too old,” or “I fear losing identity outside of motherhood” and many other thoughts. I help my clients identify and eliminate these fears related to pregnancy and reprogram them for easy conception, a textbook pregnancy, and easy delivery. The key is that you don’t link pain with pregnancy but associate pregnancy and motherhood with satisfaction, purpose, and pleasure.
What is causing secondary infertility on a subconscious level?
Secondary infertility is defined as the inability to conceive or carry a baby to term after previously giving birth.
I have previously mentioned the case of my client, who lost a twin during pregnancy.
In hypnosis, her subconscious clearly showed the scenes that were the direct reason for the challenge of conception again. During her pregnancy with twins, and due to certain complications, she had to sign a consent form to have one of the twins removed from the womb. She felt hopeless, powerless, and heartbroken. She was in fear of the pain she was suffering. When I asked her what this painful scene or scenes is trying to teach her, she said, “I have no control” and “I’m at the mercy of something beyond myself” and “I must never experience this again”. This was a direct instruction to the mind to make sure she never gets pregnant again. She and her husband had tried for five years before she came to see me.
After this traumatic experience, the subconscious activated her protection programme. The subconscious has only one job: to help us survive on this planet. It was protecting this woman so that she would never again experience the pain due to the loss of a baby. This was the cause of my client's secondary infertility.
The story of healing
In our second therapy session, we worked on reconnecting with motherhood and the happy scenes about being a mother. I helped this woman get rid of her old, limiting beliefs, and then I reprogrammed her for an easy, natural conception, perfect pregnancy, a healthy baby that develops perfectly, and an easy delivery.
So, the new programs now work for her because her subconscious, like a computer, applies the programs installed. Now, this one has a new program: “I love being a mother because I feel fulfilled sharing the love, wisdom, and experiences with my child” and “I feel blessed to be a mother because it gives me purpose and I understand priorities in life” and “I’m grateful to be a mother because my heart is filled with unconditional love.” Now, she associates pregnancy and motherhood with satisfaction, purpose, and pleasure. I also put this in her audio recording: You are experiencing a textbook pregnancy. Your baby is developing perfectly. When she got pregnant, she sent me the baby’s ultrasound photo and said, “Danijela, my gynecologist, said that this is a textbook pregnancy, and I remembered your words.” Now, she has a beautiful daughter.
I recommend that you also use a Fertility Meditation that I have created that will help you reprogram your mind for pregnancy.
How are you stopping your healing?
What is stopping your healing is asking yourself this question: Why did this happen to me? You need to release the need to know why things happen the way they do. That is the first step of your healing. Men and women carry the energy of the loss of a baby, the anger and guilt in their system. Emotions like anger and rage hit us specifically below the belt. They affect our reproductive system. You need the emotional, spiritual, and physical release of all negative emotions.
Book your therapy session with me today, and reprogram your mind for easy conception, perfect pregnancy, and an easy delivery.
Read more from Danijela Mrdak
Danijela Mrdak, Therapist, Clinical Hypnotherapist, Trauma And Fertility Therapist
Danijela Mrdak is an award-winning therapist, clinical hypnotherapist, and trauma and fertility therapist practicing the Rapid Transformational Therapy (RTT) method. She also holds a Masters in Law. She specialises in female fertility issues, including conception, IVF, pregnancy, and pre/post-natal issues.
She has had enormous success in helping women all over the world to conceive. Danijela has received awards and recognition for her extraordinary contributions to mental health and fertility therapy and for her innovative approach to helping women overcome mental barriers to pregnancy. She developed a comprehensive course specifically aimed at therapists, coaches, and hypnotherapists to support them in assisting women and conception.
