Grief And Infertility
Updated: Feb 6, 2024
Written by: Margaret Dennis, BA, MCA, ESFCD, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
“I’m sorry”, said our doctor. “You have unexplained infertility.”
BAM! In less than 5 seconds, my hopes and dreams of becoming a mother (the way I wanted to become a mother) were shattered.
As little girls, many of us dream of growing up and having a baby of our own. I know I did. We would play with our dolls (my favorite was Rub-a-Dub Dolly), dressing them, undressing them, changing their diapers, cuddling them, feeding them, and taking them along on playdates with our girlfriends. We LOVED our dolls, and we couldn’t wait to become a mother one day.
Popular advertising regularly showed women in the role of mother and being a mother was revered. It was an acceptable – and one might go so far as to suggest – an expected goal when I was growing up.
Grow up. Get married. Have children. The end.
A bit tongue-in-cheek, but you get the idea.
So, what happens when that dream of having a child is shattered and you discover that you are infertile? That what you have been longing for since you were 4 years old is no longer a possibility?
Grief. Grief is what happens.
The Statistics:
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) in a study conducted between 2015 – 2019, about 19.4 percent of married women in the United States ages 15-49 are infertile and are unable to conceive a child naturally. That 19.4% is reflective of MILLIONS of married women, not just a few thousand. MILLIONS!!! Globally, the World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that 48 million couples and 186 million individuals have infertility.
Let that sink in for a minute.
For something that should be so natural, it is heartbreaking to see these statistics.
And when you become one of these statistics, as I did, it is devastating.
My Infertility Journey:
When I was diagnosed with “unexplainable infertility” – a polite way of saying that the doctors have NO idea why you can’t conceive a child naturally when all your tests are normal – it was devastating. All my life, I had wanted to be a mother. To me, it was a given. One day, I WOULD be a mom.
But on that day, my dreams were shattered, and we were left to consider our options.
Pursue fertility treatments, which are arduous on the mother, expensive, and without any guarantee?
Adopt?
Choose not to be parents at all?
Each one of these options was tabled and considered.
I wasn’t ready to give up my dream of having my own child, so we opted for fertility treatments.
What followed were 6 long years of hormone treatments, emotional roller coasters, physical pain, tears, needles, drugs, surgery, debt, relationship stress, and disappointments – LOTS of disappointments.
And with each treatment that didn’t work, we “lost” another baby that we had hoped we would have, as I was unable to get pregnant.
Until we tried IVF (invitro fertilization).
This was the most invasive procedure and our last-ditch effort to conceive a child of our own. We only had one shot at it, so all our hopes and dreams were literally piled into this basket.
We were lucky – I became pregnant with twins. We thought our dreams were going to be answered. Two children! We were ecstatic!
But fate had other plans. I went into labour early at 5-1/2 months and both our children were born. Our daughter was strong and stable and such a warrior. Our son was not as strong and though, he too, was a warrior, he lost his fight 3 days after they were born.
I was now both a grieving mother and a brand-new mother full of such overwhelming love for both of my children and full of such deep sadness for the loss of my son.
Grief & Infertility:
There are so many levels of grief involved in infertility. As a woman who has lived this, I can tell you that:
You grieve when you don’t get pregnant easily and it seems like all your friends are having no trouble conceiving at all.
You grieve when your doctor tells you that you are infertile and that you will not be able to conceive a child naturally.
You grieve the loss of what “could have been”.
You grieve the disappointment in your own body for not working the way it’s supposed to.
You grieve the experience of giving birth to a child.
You grieve the 4-year-old you who realizes that her dream has been shattered.
You grieve the child you never had.
You grieve the pain that your partner is feeling.
You grieve the pain that your parents are feeling, both for you and for themselves – for they already had a child of their own and can’t imagine not being able to have had you.
You grieve the loss of the “family unit” that you thought you would have.
You grieve the fact that you won’t have a “normal” pregnancy if you pursue medical assistance.
The feeling of grief is deep, it is intertwined, it is layered, and it takes hold of your heart and your soul.
Throw in the feelings of jealousy, shame, anger, disappointment, frustration, anxiety, and resentment, and you are a melting pot of emotions that you have no idea how to deal with.
So, quite often, you don’t.
You cry, yes, you cry. Some days it feels like your heart is literally breaking and your tears will never stop.
But eventually, they do. At least, they stop flowing as often and as intensely. The reality is that your tears never really go away…they just start spacing out their appearance, moving from all the time to occasionally. And that is OK. That is normal.
A grief this deep leaves a mark. Your body holds the memory and the emotion and finds a nice spot for grief to reside.
Grief like this stays with you forever. It changes you. You are not the person you were before you had this experience.
Women (and men) who experience a journey of infertility will always remember the loss, in however that happened for them. It becomes part of them. It shapes who they become after this experience.
Grief changes you.
Loss changes you.
Learning how to acknowledge and deal with the many levels of loss and grief that are part of the infertility journey is paramount to being able to move forward with your grief and not get stuck in a downward grief spiral that can hold you captive for decades. Grief happens and it can be devastating. But living in grief is no way to live. And you do not need to travel your grief healing journey alone.
It took me many years and lots of support to move forward with my grief.
Was it easy? No.
Was it worth it? Absolutely!
The person I am now is stronger, wiser, calmer, and more understanding and empathetic than I was before. I love who I have become, though I truly wish it had not happened the way that it did. I hold the memory of my son in my heart and miss him every day. I hold my daughter tight and cherish every second that I get to spend with her. She is the BEST gift that I have ever been given.
In my work as a Women’s Empowerment & Grief Coach, I help support women around the world honour their experiences, emotions, dreams, and desires in both their personal and professional lives, while gracefully handling everything life throws at them. I also help women to move forward with their grief in a way that allows them to feel empowered. Reach out if you would like support and know that you do not need to walk your journey alone.
Follow me on Facebook, LinkedIn, or Instagram; visit me on my Website; check out my 2021 TEDx Talk about grief; or book a Complimentary Coaching Session to learn more about what I do and find out how we could work together. I look forward to meeting you!
Margaret Dennis, BA, MCA, ESFCD, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
In 2008, Margaret’s love of human connection was shaken by the loss of her son, twin brother to her daughter Lily, when he was just 3 days old. Rocked to her core, she immersed herself in her event management business and the custom trim company she co-owned. After a complete emotional breakdown, she realized that women couldn’t just make the grief go away the way society expects them to. In 2020 she founded EVOLV coaching to help women around the world honor their lives, emotions, and businesses while gracefully handling everything life throws at them. Her 2021 TEDx talk opened the door to exploring grief and inspired her to develop a transformational methodology that guides women in moving from messy, to functional, to empowered grief. Margaret supports companies through 1:1 coaching, team coaching, motivational speaking, grief workshops, and creating grief plans to help their employees who are suffering. Personal growth junky and lover of funky shoes, Margaret loves road tripping with Lily, and their mini Bernedoodle, Daphne.
