The Myth of Finding Yourself and Why Identity is Something You Build, Not Discover
- Brainz Magazine
- May 5
- 4 min read
Emilia Valdez is the co-founder of DeMente, a mental health start-up focused on personal and professional development through workshops, group therapy and community reach-out programs. She works as a clinical psychologist in her private practice and collaborates as a professional in a foundation specialized in child abuse.
We read it in books, see it in movies, or learn from everyday advice: we are constantly told that we must “find ourselves.” This idea stems from the principle that somewhere within us lies a fully formed, pre-existing identity just waiting to be uncovered, like a hidden treasure or a family heirloom someone will pass along. But what if that’s not how it works at all?
From a psychological perspective, we might tell a different story: identity isn’t something we find, it’s something we build. The truth is, identity isn’t found in a mystical mirror. It’s shaped in motion.
The illusion of “true self”
The notion of a fixed “true self” might be comforting. It promises that if we just search hard enough, travel far enough, or think deeply enough, we’ll eventually stumble upon our authentic identity like a magical possession.
Yet science paints a far more dynamic process. Studies on personality show that who we are isn’t static, but ever-changing and constantly evolving. Most personality descriptions include some form of “The Big Five” (openness, conscientiousness, extraversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism), personality traits that are widely accepted in psychological studies. These five are relatively stable, but even these traits can shift and evolve with intentional effort, life experiences, and age (Roberts, Walton, & Viechtbauer, 2006). In other words, humans are not fixed entities that must be “found.” We are evolving projects.
Identity: A psychological construction
Developmental psychology supports the idea that identity is constructed, not discovered.
Erik Erikson, a pioneering psychoanalyst, introduced the concept of identity formation as a key psychological task of adolescence and early adulthood. According to Erikson, forming an identity involves active exploration, decision-making, and sometimes even crisis. It is not passive discovery, but active construction.
Later theories on human development propose that we build identity through processes of exploration (trying out different roles, values, and beliefs) and commitment (making decisions about who we want to be).
This trial and error of what fits with us is a deliberate creation, forged through choices, actions, and ongoing self-reflection.
The neuroscience of change
Even on a biological level, the brain supports the idea that selfhood is malleable. The concept of neuroplasticity teaches us that our brains remain capable of change throughout our lives. Habits, thought patterns, emotional reactions, and beliefs can all be reshaped with experience and intentional practice. As we face new challenges, interests, and learn new abilities, our brain changes and evolves. This means that becoming who you want to be isn’t about uncovering a hidden self. It’s about rewiring yourself over time to find the best fit for your life.
Why believing in the “discovery myth” can be harmful
While the creation of self includes, to some extent, the discovery of personal interests and likes, the “finding yourself” narrative can backfire in several ways:
Paralysis: If you believe there’s a perfect self you must find, you might avoid making choices out of fear of choosing wrong or steering away from who you “are supposed to be.”
Disillusionment: When the universe or a higher power doesn’t deliver a sudden, clear revelation of who you are, it can lead to frustration, anxiety, or feelings of inadequacy. Everyone around you seems to have gotten their message, except for you.
Passivity: If who you are will be revealed to you at the right moment, you might find yourself stuck. Waiting to “find” yourself can keep you from taking active steps toward growth and fulfillment.
In contrast, embracing the building yourself mindset empowers you to experiment, make mistakes, and evolve consistently.
Building yourself: A more empowering narrative
So, if identity is something you construct, how do you go about it? Here are some simple steps you can try:
Explore
Try new activities, roles, and relationships. Curiosity drives identity formation by allowing you to discover new interests, likes, and abilities. Step away from your comfort zone in the search for new horizons, and challenge the beliefs that don’t align with your dream life.
Reflect
Pay attention to what resonates with you and what doesn’t. Journaling, therapy, and mindful practices can help you connect and discover deeper insights about who you want to be. Make it a common practice to review your actions, beliefs, and choices constantly. ‘Clean’ up by getting rid of everything that you don’t want to perpetuate in your life, and take action to change it.
Commit
Building a self requires making choices, even if they’re imperfect. Identity is clarified through action. Even if you make the ‘wrong’ choice, learn from it and grow. Commit courageously to taking action in your life. Being passive won’t take you where you want to be.
Adapt
Growth is natural. Allow yourself to change as your experiences deepen and your values mature. Interests, knowledge, and abilities change as we grow. Grow with them.
“The good life is a process, not a state of being. It is a direction, not a destination.” — Carl Rogers
‘Self’ is not a destination you reach; it’s a road you build
The takeaway is that you are not a hidden masterpiece waiting to be discovered. You are the artist and the canvas at once. You must take action daily to build who you want to be, not to figure out who you are ‘supposed’ to be. There is no magical revelation. Your identity isn’t buried inside you; it’s crafted daily through conscious choices, actions, dreams, and even mistakes.
Forget the myth of “finding yourself.” Instead, build yourself with intention, curiosity, and compassion, understanding that life is, in itself, an ever-changing journey.
You can start your construction of self by booking one-to-one sessions to review, connect, and rewire who you are.
Read more from Emilia Valdez Münchmeyer
Emilia Valdez Münchmeyer, Msc. Clinical Psychologist
Emilia Valdez Münchmeyer is a leader in mental health. Primarily focused on neuroscience, she invests her time in learning and teaching how to understand, rewire, and reach the full potential of mental, emotional, and spiritual development. Her love for animals inspired her to be certified as an animal-assisted therapist to further connect with her patients and encourage healing in all areas needed. ¨Your true potential is hiding behind your fears and everything everyone told you you are¨.
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