Why Your Inner Child Might Be Running Your Love Life and How to Take the Wheel
- Brainz Magazine
- 7 hours ago
- 5 min read
Melanie Bonk, hailed as a “sexpert” and “tantric mystic,” helps individuals and couples unlock deeper intimacy, connection, and pleasure. With over 25 years of lived experience and expertise rooted in Somatic Trauma Therapy, modern neuroscience, and ancient wisdom, she creates transformative spaces for rapid, lasting change.
I remember the exact moment I was done letting my little girl have the control in my romantic partnership. Let me paint a picture: my partner and I were in the middle of a kid-free, adults-only, ultra-romantic vacation (the same vaca where this happened). He went to grab a bevie, leaving me relaxing in a lounger under the sun. For the first 10 minutes, I simply lapped up the relaxation and the ease of doing nothing. The second 10 minutes went by, and I started to feel uneasy, panicky, even. By the third 10-minute window without his return, I had just enough time to work myself into a huge ball of abandonment, hurt, and betrayal.
He strolled back to the lounger, smiling, eager to tell me about his new friends, until he saw my distorted face. Before he even made it back to my side, I completely unraveled, blowing up at him. In that exact moment, as phrases like “how could you” and “you left me” uncontrollably spilled out of my mouth like a waterfall of unfelt, unexpressed emotions, I began to pull out of my body and witness my own unraveling. It was pathetic, y’all.
As I observed the subconscious spewing of accusations, my conscious mind saw a crystal-clear view: a woman who had not healed from childhood abandonment, projecting old wounds onto her partner a partner who had just spent the last week devotionally making love to her, playing in the sea with her, and choosing her over and over again.
I knew, in that moment, that I could no longer allow the little girl version of me to run the show. I HAD to heal her and up-level my emotional intelligence. I wasn’t mortified, and I’m not embarrassed by this story. I wear it like a badge of honor. It's my "Own Your Sh*t" merit badge, and honestly, every adult should earn one.
Unlock deeper connection through emotional intelligence
Let’s begin with a powerful insight from researcher Brené Brown:
"When we name an emotion or experience, it doesn’t give that emotion or experience more power—it gives us more power."
In a study spanning five years and involving over 7,000 participants, Brené and her team discovered something astonishing: most people can identify only three emotions they’re feeling happiness, sadness, and anger. Just three! That’s just Bonkers.
This revelation is profound because it highlights a critical gap in our emotional education. We experience a vast spectrum of emotions daily, yet most of us lack the vocabulary or awareness to name, process, and express them effectively.
One of the biggest myths we’ve been programmed to believe is that certain emotions are "bad," like anger, jealousy, or grief. But the truth is, all emotions are sacred. Every feeling we experience holds a key to deeper self-awareness and is a portal into our self-actualization.
When we learn to honor every emotion, rather than fear or suppress it, we open ourselves to profound growth, healing, and intimacy.
The power of emotional intelligence in relationships
Emotional intelligence, the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our emotions, plays a crucial role in how we relate to ourselves and our partners. It’s the bridge between experiencing emotions and expressing them in a way that fosters connection rather than conflict.
Unfelt, unexpressed emotions often dictate how we show up in life and especially in the bedroom. Our deepest emotional wounds from childhood rarely surface with friends, siblings, or co-workers. Instead, they tend to rise up in our romantic partnerships, the places where we lean most deeply into safety, vulnerability, and intimacy.
Think about it: Have you ever snapped at your partner, not because of what they actually did, but because you were carrying the heavy residue of an unprocessed emotion from earlier in the day? Or maybe you found yourself shutting down, unable to voice what you truly needed, and ending up feeling disconnected, unseen, or even resentful.
This is not a sign that something is broken; it’s a sacred invitation, an opportunity to meet the parts of yourself still longing for healing, tenderness, and integration.
This is where tools like my Emotion and Feelings Wheel come in (download it for free, print it, stick it on your fridge). By expanding your emotional vocabulary, you gain the ability to communicate with clarity, express your desires, and set boundaries with confidence. When you can name what you’re feeling, whether it’s vulnerability, desire, frustration, or tenderness, you’re not only deepening your self-awareness but also inviting your partner into your emotional world. And that’s where real intimacy is built.
Emotional intelligence fuels love and passion
So many couples come to me saying they’ve lost the spark, that passion feels distant, or that intimacy feels more like a routine than a sacred exchange. More often than not, the root issue isn’t physical; it’s emotional. Passion thrives in an environment where both partners feel emotionally seen, heard, and safe.
When you develop emotional intelligence, you create a relationship where:
You and your partner feel safe expressing desires and fears without judgment.
Misunderstandings turn into opportunities for deeper connection instead of conflict.
Vulnerability becomes an invitation rather than something to avoid.
Intimacy deepens because emotional safety allows for physical exploration and play.
This is why, in my work with clients, I blend soulful communication coaching, emotional intelligence training, and somatic practices, all designed to guide you toward sexual rediscovery. When you feel safe emotionally, your body feels safe to open, play, and experience deeper layers of pleasure and connection.
A call to deepen your awareness
This is your invitation to cultivate a new level of emotional awareness. Start by noticing what you’re feeling throughout the day and practice naming it beyond just “happy” or “angry.” Use tools like the Emotion and Feelings Wheel, journal your reflections, or simply take a deep breath and ask yourself, What am I truly feeling right now?
When you take ownership of your emotions, you gain the power to shape your relationships in a way that fosters deeper intimacy, more profound pleasure, and unshakable connection.
So let’s dive in because the more you understand yourself, the more powerfully you show up in love, in pleasure, in life, and the better you bonk!
Ready to turn emotional mastery into magnetic intimacy?
If you’re ready to own your emotions, deepen your pleasure, and create soul-satisfying intimacy, this is your invitation. I help individuals and couples step out of old patterns and into relationships that feel alive, sexy, and fully expressed. Healing doesn’t have to be heavy; it can be playful, powerful, and absolutely transformational.
1:1 Coaching for Radical Self-Love & Sexual Rediscovery
Couples Intimacy Sessions Focused on Soulful Communication & Embodied Pleasure
Sex-Positive, Somatic Healing, & Trauma-Informed Support
Ready to expand your capacity for love, intimacy, and wild pleasure? Say yes by clicking here.
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Melanie Bonk, Somatic Sexuality and Relationship Coach
Melanie Bonk, hailed as a “sexpert” and “tantric mystic,” helps individuals and couples unlock deeper intimacy, connection, and pleasure. As a certified Somatic Sexuality & Relationship Coach with over 25 years in a passionate partnership, she combines lived experience with training in Somatic Trauma Therapy and from the VITA™ Institute to create a transformative healing space, blending modern neuroscience with ancient wisdom for rapid, lasting change. Melanie guides couples to elevate communication and passion while empowering individuals to reclaim self-love and embodied pleasure. Ready to awaken your desires? Click here to explore more PLAY, PASSION, and PLEASURE.
