Written by Nicoleen Flamekeeper, Holistic Healing Coach
Nicoleen, The Flamekeeper is a leader in holistic healing. 10 years bed bound with chronic illness, on life support repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were released, revealing how energy poisons mind, body and spirit. She is the Creator of the Phoenix Program 1:1 transformational coaching to heal trauma and rekindle your self-confidence.
If your parent never became an adult because of unprocessed trauma that stunted their development, you never get to experience a childhood. It’s incredibly stressful being made to be the adult in the relationship when you are a child and being forced to become the carer for your parent. There is a loss of freedom, innocence and joy that cannot be replaced.
‘Mother Wound’ by Nicoleen Flamekeeper. See more spiritual paintings and ltd edition prints.
Hypervigilant to danger
When there is a dangerous and unpredictable adult in your environment, you tune yourself to their needs because subconsciously, you view them as a danger. You are unable to relax until you pacify the threat in the room, and so you become an empath, hyper-alert to the emotions of others as a way to keep safe. You are willing to abandon your own needs and learn to neglect yourself because nothing is more important than easing tension so you can remain safe.
I grew up with a mother who was a narcissist and who was emotionally absent. She was not able to be there for me. I was not seen or celebrated. I was often neglected, left dirty and unfed. I was not comforted or ever hugged.
Giving birth to a child makes you a mother biologically but not emotionally
The most insightful thing a psychologist ever said to me during all the years I tried to heal was that my mother never took on the role of being a mother. I understood everything from an entirely new perspective after this.
This is why she seemed jealous of me and would try to get my friends on her side when they visited. It was why she could never be proud of my achievements. Our relationship was not mother-daughter, but rather, she viewed me with sibling rivalry and hostility. I was someone who was here to take attention away from her and needed to be taken down a peg or two so there was no doubt as to who was top dog.
If you are left without a protector, you are vulnerable. I was sexually abused as a toddler by my grandfather. I had no one to turn to and so I buried it, but it destroyed my life.
Trauma travels through family lines
My mother once let a very telling clue slip out in conversation. She said ‘I suppose I never could celebrate anything Nikky did because she was an extension of me, and I never believed I was much good.’
My mother had suffered sexual abuse as a toddler by her father too. In order to cope with this my grandmother had blamed her. She had used my mother as the scapegoat for all her shame and anger and guilt, and had chosen her second daughter to be the object of her affection. Not receiving any love my mother viewed her sister with hostility and jealousy. She has never processed any of this trauma, and so she played out the same pattern with her own children. I became the scape goat, my brother the golden child.
Your power lies in viewing the relationship not as you wish it to be, but as it really is
I took time out of the relationship for a few years until I had done my inner child healing. When I did accept my mother back into my life, I did so by accepting what is. I no longer craved the loving, close, and supportive role of mother from her, accepting with compassion that it was a role she was unable to provide. When she came back into my life she did so in a whole new role as my ‘aunt’. I chose to accept her for the good that she does have to give. Her sense of humor, her creativity, her love of animals, without trying to enforce demands on her that she is unable to meet.
I want you to know that someone else’s low self-worth, their narcissism, and their refusal to work through their own traumas do not need to define who you are any longer. Just because you did not receive love growing up, doesn’t mean you are not worthy of love.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally
You deserve to feel safe, to feel that somebody has your back, that someone loves you unconditionally. You deserve to feel celebrated in your moments of triumph, and comforted in your lowest moments.
You can heal the mother wound. You deserve all of that and more, but that job is too important to outsource to anyone else. Take back your power and make the person who fulfils that role you.
If you’d like to finally heal and learn to love and nuture yourself so that you can create a fulfilling and purposeful life, reach out for a free breakthrough call here.
Nicoleen Flamekeeper, Holistic Healing Coach
Nicoleen Flamekeeper is the Flamekeeper, a holistic healing coach transforming mind, body and spirit. 10 years bed-bound with chronic illness, on life support, repressed memories of childhood sexual abuse were released, revealing how energy poisons mind, body, and spirit. She is skilled at healing sexual abuse, domestic violence and narcissistic abuse, that results in low self-worth, alcoholism, addiction, depression, anxiety and chronic illness. She is the Creator of the Phoenix program: 1:1 transformational coaching. Her mission: help you heal from trauma and rekindle your self-confidence so that you can create the joyful life you deserve.
