The Struggle Of Being A "Good Daughter" To A Narcissistic Mother – The Hidden Costs
- Aug 25, 2023
- 6 min read
Written by: Malissa Veroni, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Being a daughter comes with its own set of responsibilities and expectations within a family. Many daughters find themselves trying to meet these expectations, often putting their own needs and well-being on the back-burner. This phenomenon is commonly referred to as the "Good Daughter Syndrome," where a daughter strives to be the perfect, self-sacrificing child in order to please her parents or caregivers. In this article, we will briefly explore what the Good Daughter Syndrome is, its potential impact it has on you when your parent is narcissistic, as well as ways to find a healthy balance between fulfilling familial duties and taking care of oneself.
What is the good daughter syndrome?
As mentioned briefly before, The Good Daughter Syndrome is characterized by a pattern of behaviour where a daughter feels an overwhelming need to be obedient, helpful, and accommodating to her parents or caregivers. This often involves suppressing personal desires, emotions, and aspirations in order to meet the perceived or real expectations of being an ideal daughter. It is important to note that these expectations can be both explicit and implicit, stemming from cultural norms, familial traditions, or past experiences.
It is well documented that the dynamics of a parent-child relationship can be complex and multifaceted. What is more, when a parent exhibits narcissistic traits, it can create a unique and challenging environment for their children which can cause additional pain, trauma, and lifelong challenges. Being a "good daughter" to a narcissistic mother, in particular, can come at a steep emotional and psychological cost. After all, she is your mother and gave birth to you!
Impact on mental and emotional well-being
While striving to be a "good daughter" is an admirable quality, when taken to extremes, it can have negative consequences on one's mental and emotional well-being. Constantly putting others' needs before one's own can lead to feelings of resentment, burnout, and emotional exhaustion. No one wants to feel this way! The pressure to fulfill unrealistic expectations can result in feelings of anxiety, depression, and a lack of self-esteem. With prolong exposure it is not uncommon for daughters of narcissistic mothers to develop poor mental health, mental illnesses or even autoimmune disorders and other physical diseases. For example, it is very common in my practice to see female daughters of narcissistic mothers that have “unexplained [medically] infertility issues.” More research is being done on how trauma stays in the body, however, as far of my current knowledge goes, little if any research of the masses is being done with fertility at this time. As one can likely see, these feelings and mental wellness challenges can be life-long and affect the individual in all domains of their life.
The illusion of approval
Narcissistic parents often demand unwavering attention and admiration from their children. Daughters, in particular, may find themselves trapped in a cycle of seeking approval and validation from their narcissistic mothers. What people may struggle with understanding is that the daughters of narcissistic mothers are often no different than an item- like a purse. Daughters of narcissistic mothers are viewed as a possession, something to show off when needed and then thrown away when done with. The desire to be seen as "good" or "worthy" by fulfilling their mother's expectations can lead to an unhealthy need for external validation. Clients often tell me when their mother does validate them “it is like crack- I want more of it, but it’s also dangerous.” The illusion of approval can result in a constant feeling of never being "enough," perpetuating a cycle of low self-esteem and self-doubt.
The sacrifice of identity
In an effort to maintain a semblance of harmony, daughters might suppress their own desires, preferences, and dreams to cater to their mother's demands. For example, in my own life, I particularly remember having to “hide” my success and abilities from my mother and all of the family members that supported her. There was a specific time in my own life when my own mother felt threatened by my success and told me her one course of psychology in a night school was far superior to my numerous degrees and awards. Thankfully I was at a different part of my journey then, saw it for what it was, and did not allow her telling me I cannot do anything of value without her to get to me. Not everyone can see this emotional misuse and abuse for what it is and they may get further bogged down. This self-sacrifice can erode one’s sense of identity and autonomy. Over time, the struggle to please a narcissistic mother can lead to confusion about one's own values and aspirations, hindering personal growth, and self-discovery.
Emotional manipulation and guilt
Narcissistic parents are known for their ability to manipulate emotions, often using guilt as a tool to control their children. Daughters who strive to be "good" may find themselves trapped in a cycle of emotional manipulation, where they are made to feel responsible for their mother's happiness and/or emotional well-being. This can lead to a constant sense of guilt and anxiety, which can impact one’s mental health, relationships, and overall quality of life. These tools stay with us, and we may even use them ourselves.
Unhealthy relationship patterns
Growing up in an environment where one’s worth is tied to meeting a narcissistic mother's expectations can result in the internalization of unhealthy relationship patterns. Daughters may unknowingly seek out similar dynamics in their friendships, romantic relationships, or professional interactions. This can lead to further victimization, hurt and trauma. We see ourselves as the common denominator, when in reality we are subconsciously seeking it out and need to heal this wound before it further hurts us and possibly others as well. As one can guess, breaking free from these patterns becomes difficult as the ingrained behaviours perpetuate a cycle of toxic relationships.
Setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care
Recognizing the detrimental effects of striving to be a "good daughter" to a narcissistic mother is the first step toward one’s healing. Establishing healthy boundaries is crucial for protecting one's mental and emotional well-being. This might involve limiting contact, seeking therapy, or surrounding oneself with a supportive network of friends and loved ones who understand the challenges one faces. Being mindful of who one lets in their circle is vital. One’s circle should include people who fill them up, not question their realities or boundaries, and who do not take them down.
Prioritizing self-care is essential for breaking free from the cycle of seeking approval and validation. Engaging in activities that bring joy, pursuing personal interests, and nurturing a positive self-image can help one build resilience and reclaim their identity.
What does this all mean?
Being a "good daughter" to a narcissistic mother might seem like an admirable effort, but it often comes at a significant personal cost. The emotional toll of seeking validation, sacrificing identity, and navigating manipulation can have lasting effects on mental health and well-being. Recognizing the need to set boundaries, prioritize self-care, and break free from unhealthy patterns is essential for regaining control over one's life and forging a path to healing and self-discovery.
Not sure if this is you- stay tuned for next month’s article Recognizing the Good Daughter Syndrome where I will lay out signs that you may be struggling with this often silent and societal supported syndrome.
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Malissa Veroni, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work; teaching, and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns. Malissa is known as a specialist in the field of Narcissistic Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, the LGBTQ2s Community, and in Sex Therapy. She is also a Designated Capacity Assessor and a mentor to several social workers worldwide.
