Were You Raised By Narcissistic Or Avoidantly Attached Parents?
- May 30, 2023
- 5 min read
Written by: Romana Hrivnakova, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Narcissism is not more prevalent than before; however, lately, the term narcissism has been flagrantly overused, mainly to demean people. I noted an increase in clients who believe to be raised by narcissistic parents. While being able to call neglectful or abusive parents narcissists helps my clients explain their suffering, they usually discover that their parents’ challenges that affected their ability to be the parents they needed were caused by their avoidant attachment style rather than narcissism.
The history of narcissism stretches back to ancient Greece (700-480 B.C.); yet, despite its long history, it was only officially recognized as a mental health disorder in 1898. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, narcissism is a personality trait that lives on a spectrum, and we all possess it to some degree. However, to be clinically diagnosed as a narcissist, a person must meet five (or more) of the following criteria:
A grandiose sense of self-importance
Unrealistic sense of superiority and uniqueness
A fixation with fantasies of unlimited power, success, brilliance, and beauty
A constant need for excessive admiration and attention
A sense of entitlement
Exploitation of others for personal gain
Feeling envious of others or believing others envy them
Demonstration of arrogant behaviours and attitudes
Lack of empathy
Despite the phenomenon of narcissism being around for a long time, the term narcissism has been largely overused in this day and age. Narcissism is a personality disorder, not a term that we can nonchalantly throw around to label people we don’t like, who hurt us, or who we’re jealous of. These days, you can be called a narcissist for being ambitious, having high self-esteem or attention-seeking tendencies and being a little vain. However, there is a huge difference between someone who posts too many selfies and a person with narcissistic personality disorder.
Lately, many clients have contacted me wanting to explore their painful experiences of being raised by a narcissistic parent. I’ve noticed that calling their mother or father, who caused immense emotional pain, a narcissist offered some comfort, relief, and explanation for the pain. However, only 6% of the population is affected by narcissism, so that diagnosis would not be correct in most cases. However, that’s not important to me. I don’t question their use of this term, and the accuracy of their ‘diagnosis’ does not matter. I focus on how they experience their relationship with the parent they believe to be a narcissist, and I don’t minimize that experience by ‘lecturing’ them about narcissism. However, while I’m respectful of their experiences, I also note that there could be another explanation for their pain, as what I often hear in my clients’ descriptions of the treatment they received from their parents are the symptoms of an avoidant attachment style rather than narcissism.
What Is The Difference Between Narcissism And Avoidant Attachment Style?
It’s crucial to note that attachment styles are different from personality disorders. However, despite that, there are some similarities between the affective and interpersonal processes of narcissists and avoidant individuals who are both insecure and struggle with self-esteem issues. At the core of every narcissist and avoidant individual is the emotional pain and hurt they learned to conceal; narcissists behind their extroverted, manipulative, and exploitative personalities and avoidants behind their over-independence, perfectionism, and workaholism.
Narcissists and avoidants are not interested in relationships. They only establish relationships which are shallow and superficial and whose sole purpose is to satisfy their needs. Narcissists might appear to enjoy being around others; however, they only tolerate people because they can use them to satisfy their need for admiration, superiority, and approval. Avoidants don’t trust people and dismiss them to protect themselves from the pain and hurt they associate with close and intimate relationships. In comparison, narcissists dismiss others because they see themselves as superior. They truly believe that they are better than everyone else; thus, they deserve special treatment and unconditional admiration. Narcissists avoid intimacy, and this is common in the avoidant personality.
Avoidants and narcissists are emotionally unavailable, lack empathy, and have little regard for people’s feelings and needs. They act without consideration for other people and are dismissive of people’s distress caused by their behaviour and actions.
What differentiates narcissists from avoidantly attached individuals are their manipulative behaviour and callous exploitation of others. They only care about themselves; they exploit other people to meet their needs and require others to make them feel good about themselves. On the other hand, avoidants are not necessarily manipulative or exploitative and don’t require constant attention or unconditional admiration. However, they dismiss the importance of closeness, detach emotionally, and avoid affection, which makes them appear distant and cold. They are focused on their needs and are not interested in people.
Parents With Avoidant Attachment Style
Unless your parents meet the above-mentioned criteria for narcissism, you were most likely raised by parents with an avoidant attachment style. Avoidant parents meet their children’s basic needs but are emotionally unavailable to help them deal with their distress. They expect their children to deal with their own emotions as they don’t know how to console their children when they are hurt, in pain, or sick. Avoidant parents discourage their children from expressing emotions and would shame them, laugh at them, or get angry if they show emotional vulnerability.
Avoidant parents parent their children the way they were parented. They learned early on that people couldn't be trusted, so they detached emotionally from them. That did not change even when they became parents. Thus, what my clients experienced with their avoidant parents growing up were the walls their parents put up to protect themselves from emotional pain. My clients' parents needed to avoid emotional connection with them to keep themselves emotionally safe.
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Romana Hrivnakova, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Romana Hrivnakova works as a Psychotherapist in Toronto. Romana has extensive experience working with individuals who use substances to cope with childhood trauma, overwhelming emotions, or painful life experiences. In her 13 years of working as a mental health and addiction professional, she obtained various degrees and diplomas; however, she places her experience of working in a homeless shelter in the UK for 9 years above all her qualifications. There she witnessed the terrible consequences of childhood trauma, attachment injury, and people’s desperate attempts to cope with what happened to them (or did not happen and should have happened) in their childhood. This experience and her childhood challenges and life experiences inspired Romana to help her clients connect with their wounded inner children and help them react to present and future challenges as adults rather than wounded children.
