How to Ask Better Questions to Improve Relationships
- Jun 4, 2021
- 4 min read
Written by: Linda Evans, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Any other relentless question-askers out there? I know it can’t be just me. My gnawing curiosity causes me to constantly seek information when I talk to people. I came to learn that since I can’t help asking questions all the time, I might as well channel this natural tendency into one of my superpowers in creating and strengthening relationships, along with my abilities to help others create meaning out of hardships and recognize their strengths.
Here’s what I figured out - there are many different motivations behind the questions we ask.
When we ask questions with genuine goodwill, we can increase trust and strengthen the relationship.
To get to know a person’s background - The better you know your audience (aka conversation partner), the more effective your communications will be because you can tailor your messaging to what matters to them. Plus, people are fascinating, and we have much to learn from each other.
“What’s your story?”
“How did you learn to ___?”
“What was your upbringing like?”
“What has been your favorite role/job?”
“What are you currently working on?”
To understand feelings - We aren’t always rational or logical. Many of our decisions and reactions are emotionally driven. Asking thoughtful questions can help us understand what is driving a person’s actions.
“How did that affect you?”
“How did you respond to that?”
“I imagine you must have felt ___, is that right?”
“What drove you to that decision?”
To learn context - Things often make more sense when we understand the bigger picture and gain a wider perspective. Getting more journalistic details can help us make more effective decisions and develop greater empathy.
“When did that start happening?”
“Who else was involved?
“Where else is this happening?”
“What do you think caused this?”
“How did this come about?”
To collect ideas - Other people’s minds are treasure troves of creative insights, but they may need some prompting to share them. Brainstorming and problem solving are more likely to be fruitful if we are humble and confident enough to crowdsource by directly asking for input.
“What other ways can you think of?”
“What other ways have worked for you?”
“Any interesting news or observations lately?”
“Why do you think this is not working?”
To customize approach - Sometimes, you sense something is not clicking with someone, and you know you need to fix it. Maybe you’re not getting responses in a timely manner or at all. Maybe you sense resistance or animosity on some level. Take a deep breath, avoid temptations to be passive-aggressive, and kindly ask for feedback.
“What is your preferred way of___?”
“What is your favorite way of___?”
“What motivates you to ___ the most?”
“What barriers do you have to___?”
To clarify goals - Do you ever feel like you’re in a group project with no clear direction? When a project is lacking clarity, a lot of time and energy is wasted being confused and frustrated. Be proactive and ask for the instructions needed to move forward.
“What is the main purpose we’re trying to achieve?”
“What is the ideal outcome?”
“When is the ideal completion?”
“What does successful completion look like?”
“What factors should be considered?”
It’s not just what we say but how we say it. Practice using a tone of openness, calmness, and humility to help others feel safe to answer honestly.
When we ask questions with ill will, we antagonize others and burn bridges.
To judge people - When others sense we are trying to evaluate them as good or bad, professional or unprofessional, likable or unlikeable, or any other trait...they shut down and tune us out. Strive to learn about others without passing judgment.
To fit people into stereotypes - Yes, political correctness can feel like a landmine sometimes. Still, the original intention behind more careful word choices is to increase respect for other people’s differences.
To prove them wrong - Everyone can benefit from feedback and correction, but their level of receptiveness largely depends on the delivery of the messenger. Offer your point of view for consideration without accusing them of error.
To find loopholes -Some people learn the rules just to get around them; this breeds great mistrust and can lead to a reputation of deception and laziness. Avoid asking questions to get out of doing work!
To manipulate and trap people - Have you ever had someone use what you said against you? Nobody likes that. It makes people much more reluctant to share any useful information. Strive not to collect what people say as weapons to use in the future.
Once we ask questions, it is crucial to genuinely listen and appropriately respond for true communication to happen. Although listening is an invisible internal process, there are many outward expressions. We can signal our attentiveness to our audience by practicing the classic indicators of active listening:
Steady, soft eye contact (in Western cultures, this may seem rude in other cultures)
Non-verbal acts like nodding and facial expressions
Verbal expressions like “mmhmm” and “uh-huh”
Periodically summarizing the other person’s words and checking for correctness.
Asking clarifying questions
Questions have the power to carry the conversation to higher levels of inspiration and enlightenment as well as deeper levels of understanding and relating with each other. Use your questions for good.
What will you do today to improve your questions, communication, and relationships?
Linda Evans, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Linda Evans is a strengths-based career coach, speaker, writer, and personal branding expert. In 2011, she founded her virtual career coaching business, Launched by Linda, LLC. Her full-time career has been in higher education since 2012, and she currently works in Career Services at Trinity University in San Antonio, Texas. Linda has a B.A. in American Studies and a minor in Ballroom Dance from Brigham Young University, and an M.A. in Psychological Counseling from Columbia University. She is also a Gallup-Certified Strengths Coach and has certificates in Positive Psychology and Public Speaking.
