Helping Twins Get Along with 5 Gentle Strategies to Reduce Twin Conflict and Build Stronger Bonds
- Brainz Magazine
- May 5
- 9 min read
Updated: May 9
Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with over 15 years of experience working with twins and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Smadar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
Twins may be best friends, but even best friends fight. Sharing space, toys, and attention 24/7 often leads to conflict, and that’s understandable. While we can’t force twins to get along, we can help them navigate conflicts with productive strategies and proactively reduce tension so things won’t escalate.
The goal isn’t to eliminate fighting altogether. Conflict is a healthy part of any relationship, and it gives children a chance to practice important skills like communication, compromise, and empathy. But there are ways to reduce the frequency of fighting while also helping your twins build a respectful and connected relationship.
Here are 5 gentle strategies to reduce twin conflict and build stronger bonds
1. Create space for one-on-one time
While this isn’t always feasible for some families, striving to find moments throughout the day or the week to spend with each child will go a long way. It can be a precious moment of reading a book, taking one to do the groceries, or playing their favourite game. Making one-on-one time a routine will help twins have necessary breaks from their shared time and activities, which will restore tolerance and patience, and will allow them to enjoy your undivided attention, which they crave.
Twins spend so much of their lives side by side, eating, playing, bathing, and sleeping, that they don’t often get the chance to just be themselves without their same-age sibling nearby. While this togetherness can be comforting, it can also lead to friction. Even the most loving siblings need space.
That’s why one-on-one time is so powerful.
Spending solo time with each twin gives them a chance to feel seen and valued as individuals. It reminds them (and you) that they are not one half of a unit, they are a whole, unique person.
Proactively offering twins breaks from each other and facilitating time to build relationships with their caregivers will nurture their emotional well-being and fill up their tanks to endure conflicts, frustrations, and disappointments when they arise.
2. Twins need things of their own
Twins share a lot. Almost everything. We sometimes expect them to naturally want to share, because they are twins. It can be an explicit or implicit exaptation, given that they are the same age, may have similar interests, and we want them to care for each other’s feelings.
Yet there are two main issues with these well-meaning parental expectations.
First, children can’t really share before they are 3-4 years old. Understanding others’ feelings, choosing to part with a toy/food/object, and inviting others to participate in their play are socio-emotional skills that children need time to cultivate and acquire.
As the wise Magda Gerber said, “making a child share isn’t sharing”. If your twins share because you tell them to, or because you made them feel bad for not sharing, the act itself isn't sharing. They are doing it to please you and/or avoid being told off. Sharing should be a choice, not a chore. If twins feel obligated or made to feel guilty for not sharing, they aren't doing it out of the kindness of their heart, because they care, but rather as an internalised pressure to maintain things “right” and to be “good”.
Second, twins don’t have to share everything. Singletons may share with their siblings, friends, classmates, etc., but not always, and certainly not everything. I argue that twins should enjoy the same privilege. While it makes sense that they will share more than singletons, as they may share a room and toys as they are the same age, ensuring they have things that are just theirs is paramount for their sense of self and autonomy.
Knowing they will have toys, clothes, and things which they can call their own, which they know they do not have to share, can provide an incredible sense of relief, authority, and agency.
Not only does it make sense, as we all have things that are just ours, but it will also make the times they do need to share easier and more tolerable. Because when twins don’t feel like everything is up for grabs, they’re more willing to share what they can.
3. Support conflict instead of stopping it
Children learn that they cannot always have what they want as they interact with others. They learn that others have needs and wants, and they might clash with theirs. Sometimes they can play with something, sometimes others want a turn. Sometimes they can go first, sometimes they need to wait. It’s part of living with others, and it’s a natural process of learning that all children go through. Frustrating as it may be, the only way to learn the rules and how to deal with conflicts that arise is to face them.
Now, parents naturally want to help children solve conflicts and maintain peace and order in their household. Hearing children fight automatically gets parents onto their feet to check who did what, who needs to let go, who needs to share, etc.
Yet children need to learn what fair means to them. Our innate sense of justice can get in the way of children figuring out how to handle complex situations, negotiate, express feelings, and problem-solve.
If we jump into action at the first sound of conflict, children will learn that our presence is needed in order to solve the problem at hand. They will naturally internalise that they cannot figure this out, they do not have the skill or judgment to solve this, and someone has to step in to ensure peace is restored.
The main issue with this well-meaning habit we adults have is that children will then quickly escalate to crying, whining, and screaming to get us to intervene. They will, understandably, not try to talk, find a solution, or problem-solve, but instead pull, yank, and get physical to either get what they want or to get someone to step in and fight their fights.
To help twins, who spend a lot of time together and therefore are bound to have more conflicts over objects, turns, space, food, etc, to fight less and collaborate more, we ought to offer them opportunities to achieve this.
We do this right from the start, from infancy through toddlerhood and all the way to early childhood, as vocabulary increases and the logical brain begins to develop and mature.
Normalising healthy conflict resolution strategies is key. When conflict ensues, remain calm, stay nearby, or get closer, but do not intervene. Observe. Who wants what, and how is the scene unfolding?
For babies and toddlers, narrate the situation (sportscasting).
Give them words for what is happening: “You both want the truck. It’s really hard to wait.”
Reflect feelings: “You didn’t finish playing with it”, “You also want to play with it”.
Offer solutions: letting go, sharing, waiting, or finding something else to do.
It’s not about solving the issue for them, but rather understanding what the issue is, how both of them are feeling about this, and what their options are in this situation. Then, comfort the upset twin. Hold space for their feelings, let them feel the frustration, anger, sadness, and name these feelings.
In conflict, it is important to know how to handle our feelings. For babies and children, it’s important to know what these feelings are, how to face them, how to process them, and how to get the support they need to regulate themselves. It starts with co-regulation with a supportive adult, and then evolves to self-regulation and finding strategies to handle challenging situations and feelings in a healthy and productive way.
By allowing babies and children to process these feelings and understand how others feel when we act in a certain way, the twins will learn how to handle conflict without getting physical and loud, how to express their feelings and needs, and how to solve their conflicts on their own.
What is fair for us isn’t what is fair for another. Therefore, projecting our ideas of who needs to have a turn, who needs to let go, and who needs to share can feel arbitrary to children, and also, not as relevant. When supported well, children will figure out solutions that feel right to them. They might not mind waiting another turn or choosing another toy. They might not care if they didn’t get their way right away, and they might do. What’s important is that they reach a solution that they feel good about, and if this isn’t possible after negotiating with their co-twin, then they can come to us for support, talk about their feelings, and be comforted. They will try again next time, or they might fight harder for what they want. And fighting isn’t necessarily bad, as long as it is done productively and respectfully. Then it essentially transforms into arguing.
You can learn more about mastering twins’ behaviour in my Twin Toddlers’ Masterclass.
4. Celebrate their differences
Helping twins identify and appreciate their differences can help tremendously with twin rivalry.
If twins always strive for sameness, they might feel resentful if they feel they can’t measure up to their co-twin in looks, achievements, social acceptance, skills and so on and so forth.
While they may feel similar competence in certain areas, being different is natural. Learning to feel comfortable and, better yet, proud of one's differences can be a bit more challenging for twins.
It starts with the parents and how they view and nurture the twins’ sameness and differences. If twins feel their parents prefer sameness, they are likely to lean into it and accentuate it. It makes sense, after all, strangers' reactions on the street to the sight of two people who match in looks and outfits nurture that sense of importance and uniqueness.
Yet twins aren’t the same. Even if they are identical and have similar personalities, they are still two individuals. Helping twins identify where one ends and the other begins can help them develop a healthy sense of self-esteem, identity, and confidence.
This will help them process feelings of jealousy, resentment, frustration, anger, and disappointment, which can stem from intertwined identities and a strong need to maintain closeness and sameness.
When twins recognise that they are two distinct individuals, who may look alike or share similarities in certain aspects, they can better manage twinship tensions, feel secure in their own identity, and be less affected by their co-twin's actions and behaviours.
While challenges may arise, as in all relationships, having a strong sense of self and feeling confident in who you are as a person, not just as a twin, will help reduce tension and rivalry.
5. Manage twin expectations: 2 of everything isn’t a solution
Building on the previous 4 strategies, Managing Expectations is a culmination of how twins can expect others to interact with and around them.
Many twin parents resort to getting 2 of everything to avoid arguments and fighting. While this can work as a band-aid in the first couple of years, it has 2 main underlying problems which will manifest later in life as bigger issues.
First, it sends the twins a very clear message: “You are the same.” As we’ve uncovered already, this isn’t true. Twins are 2 individuals, and they deserve our acknowledgment, and even more so, our affirmation of this truth. It will help them anchor in their sense of identity.
So, by giving 2 of everything, whether clothes, toys, food, forms of affection, or presents, twins will internalise this as “the right way” of being, and any deviation from sameness is not okay. Then, when they would like to explore personal interests or ideas, they may lack the confidence to do so. They might only do things in tandem to maintain fairness and equality in their relationship. Giving up on their desires and interests can lead to resentment and frustration, which will build up and manifest in anger bursts and fighting.
Second, by giving 2 of everything, we essentially condition twins to expect having 2 of everything at all times. So, if one gets something, they will assume another identical object will be produced for them. After all, that is the way we do things here.
This expectation isn’t realistic. Not only is it hard to maintain at home at all times, but it will not be met elsewhere (daycare, school, playground, playdates, etc). This can be rather difficult for twins to have to deal with this disappointment. Because by giving them 2 of everything, they never get the opportunity to learn to deal with feeling let down, with being upset, with not having what their co-twin has.
It is unfair to expect twins to magically learn how to deal with this situation at late toddlerhood or early childhood. Singletons get to experience this challenge early on. It’s a natural learning process. However, twins bypass this lesson when we choose conflict-aversion over a natural development process.
Understandable as it may be, we are not doing twins a favour by avoiding them fighting over things. We delay an organic learning process and may make things more challenging later. Moreover, we are enhancing a strong sense of sameness and unity in their identity, which can be somewhat challenging to address later in life, as it becomes part of their personality make-up.
So, by managing micro-conflicts over toys, by not offering 2 of everything, promoting problem-solving skills, offering one-on-one time, and giving twins things of their own, we can reduce conflict and fighting in the long run. We help twins strengthen the muscles of facing challenges and dealing with disappointment, while also fostering a healthy sense of individuation and ownership. Twins do not have to share everything, let alone have identical clothes, toys, and experiences, lest they feel jealous and upset. Learning they are special for being twins, but no less special for being themselves, will help them feel secure in who they are, better face challenges, and reduce conflict.
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins, and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
