5 Signs Your Twins Might be Co-Dependent
Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with 15 years of experience and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Smadar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
Raising twins means a lot of things happen in tandem. It’s natural. We lead the day with two children who have similar schedules, and it can seem harder not to do things together. Yet this unison we aspire to can have unintended consequences, and paying attention to its impact on the children can help them in the long term.
While some twin parents strive to foster their independence early on, others may be less aware of their twins’ co-dependency. Co-dependency can have long-term impacts on twins’ well-being and self-esteem, so it is important to pay attention to the nature of your twins’ relationship.
5 signs your twins might be co-dependent
The twins want to do everything together.
The twins don’t like to be apart.
The twins don’t decide for themselves.
The twins don’t socialise on their own.
The twins don’t have separate interests or hobbies.
1. The twins want to do everything together
They are always together, whether playing or doing things at home, going to the playground, on an outing, or at preschool.
They spend their day at each other’s side and, as if, move in unison. Eating, bathing, dressing up, doing homework, when one does something, so will the other. They don’t take breaks from spending time together and playing always involves the two of them.
This will also manifest in wanting the same things. So, if one is given something, their twin would want to have the same. This will stem from a feeling of fairness (it’s not fair that they have something, and I don’t), and also so they can participate and not miss out.
2. The twins don’t like to be apart
There are times when it will make sense for the children to spend time apart. Either for one-on-one time with one parent or going to a doctor’s appointment, one child is sick and needs to stay home while the other can go to preschool. Yet the children don’t respond well to the idea of separating. Similarly, they won’t like to play away from each other (one in the backyard while the other is in their room, for example).
This can make it very difficult for parents who either want to spend quality time with just one child or need to separate them for different circumstances (as mentioned above).
This can also become a bigger issue when it’s time to start school. Some schools have policies that dictate twins must be in separate classes. Alternatively, the twins may be assigned to the same class, and later on, one will require transferring to support their learning (either for additional tutoring or the opportunity to skip a grade for great performance).
Preparing twins for situations where they will need to be on their own is the best practice to help them navigate life’s ups and downs.
It is also a healthy practice to nurture their independence, self-esteem, and confidence in who they are and how to get by.
You can read more about separating twins to help them thrive in my blog post, Separation.
3. The twins don’t decide for themselves
When it comes to making decisions, they are made together. When one is asked what they want to eat, they might check with their twin. Or they will express their desire, and their twin will surely give the same answer. Fostering sameness is important to them, and they want to make sure they aren’t straying away from the twinship realm.
This can also be seen in older twins as they choose their outfits to match, have the same toys, and decide where to go on the playground or what to do next (read a book, go outside, watch a show, play with their blocks).
Every decision is made based on their mutual needs rather than on each person deciding for themselves and following their needs and desires independently.
4. The twins don’t socialise on their own
The twins share friends and hang out with other people (parents, siblings, cousins) as a pair. Whenever one has a playdate, they both attend. If one is playing with an older sibling, both do. They feel more comfortable together rather than on their own. The play dynamics account for them doing things together, being on the same team, participating in the same way, and building friendships and relationships together.
They might feel bad or guilty if they aren’t sharing the experience with their twin. Or they might feel uncomfortable and shy being on their own, missing their twin's presence to feel secure and confident to make the right decisions and engage in social interactions.
When twins always socialise together, oftentimes, one might be more comfortable and charismatic and thus lead these types of interactions, while the other relies on their social skills to make friends.
Dr. Joan A. Friedman, a twin expert and psychotherapist specialising in twin issues in adulthood, discusses common twin dynamics in her book “The Same but Different.” She discusses the Caretaker and Taken-cared-for roles twins often assume, either by parental influence or natural personality inclination. In social engagements, the caretaker twin can feel responsible and obligated to take their twin under their wing and facilitate social interactions, while the taken-cared-for twin may feel out of sorts without the support and company of their twin.
5. The twins don’t have separate interests or hobbies
Twins who always spend time together and strive to maintain their sameness seldom venture to explore their interests, nurture hobbies, and pursue their passions. They are also not likely to try new things unless it’s together. They are choosing activities they both like and want to do. One might be interested in a different activity, style of music, or movie genre. But they will feel it is wrong to want something different or will be scared to express their real feelings out of fear of putting a strain on the twinship. The twins will derive a strong sense of closeness from wanting the same, doing the same, and liking the same, and would not want to jeopardise that.
The result will be that either one or both children will compromise their needs and wants for the sake of their twinship. This means they aren’t allowing themselves to reach their full potential or miss out on opportunities to develop new skills, nurture new passions, and discover more sides to themselves than they thought existed.
While there is nothing wrong with liking the same things and cultivating the same skills, it’s equally important for twins to venture out of their comfort zones to discover what else might be possible for each of them and realise these ideas and dreams.
How to foster twins’ independence
If any of these sound like your twins, they may need your support to foster a stronger sense of self-esteem and independence. Their twinship identity plays the leading role in their lives. Their individual identities are intertwined, and the lines where one ends and the other begins are blurring.
If your twins are young, working on supporting their independence and autonomy will be easier than if they are toddlers or young children. Yet, the process can always begin. It might take a bit longer, that’s all.
If you are expecting twins or your twins are still under 1, read my blog “4 Things your twins will need in the 1st year” to help you support your twins’ independence and help them thrive side by side.
For older twins (over 1 year old), offering opportunities for each twin to spend time apart will help a lot. Whether you already have one-on-one time with each child or not, incorporating these moments in the day or the week will help strengthen their confidence in being apart and enjoying the time on their own.
While they might resist at first, offering short, meaningful, and enjoyable opportunities to spend time with you, your partner, an aunt, or a grandparent will slowly allow each child to feel confident being apart, see the value of having space from one another, and receive undivided attention from people who love them.
Asking them separately what they would like to eat and do, where they would like to go, which book they would like to read, etc., will also give them a chance to get in touch with their feelings and feel comfortable expressing themselves. Let them know it’s okay to want different things and make room to fulfill their desires.
Organising individual playdates while you are out with one, for example, will further support their feeling of being unique and reduce jealousy over missing out. It will also give each child valuable opportunities to cultivate their social skills, make friends of their own, and boost their confidence.
Supporting your twins’ independence and autonomy will help each of them feel confident and comfortable living their lives alongside each other rather than in tandem. Their twinship will still have its special place, but it will not be their main source of validation, confidence, and comfort.
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins, and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
