About the Twin Guilt and Growing Up with an Unhealthy Sense of Twin-Duty
- Brainz Magazine
- Mar 10
- 6 min read
Updated: Apr 14
Written by Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar Zmirin is a twin specialist with 15 years of experience and the founder of Twinful Life. With her extensive experience and twin-oriented early childhood education approach, Smadar provides exclusive services for twin families to help parents raise twins with peace and joy.
My twin-oriented early childhood work has taught me that twins can grow up with a lot of guilt. They are often made to feel guilty for not sharing, not including their twin, and not taking care of each other. While this varies from household to household, one thing is evident. Being a twin often comes with a predetermined set of parental expectations.
Many siblings grow up with a sense of duty toward one another. While the degree may vary between cultures, the majority of us grew up feeling somewhat responsible for our younger siblings or, as the youngest, feeling sheltered by our older siblings. This familial sense of duty makes sense. After all, taking care of the tribe is ingrained in our genes and culture.
Yet the story looks different when the siblings are twins. Suddenly, a whole new set of expectations accompanies the magic that twinship brings. Some parents are more aware of this than others, and some might want to consider what this well-meaning sense of duty they wish their twins to internalize may lead to later in life.
When twins grow up with a strong sense of oneness, internal conflicts may arise as they begin to develop a stronger sense of self, wanting more autonomy over their bodies, decisions, and choices. Then, when they do not feel like sharing with their twin or including them in play, a confusing and sometimes frightening sensation develops. They feel torn between the desire to please their parents and their twin and their inner need to decide for themselves and experience the taken-for-granted ownership all of us singletons grow up with.
What is more, their twin may respond quite strongly to this shift in dynamic. This is not their fault. Until this moment, they have grown to expect to get what they want. When adults make twins share everything they have, whether toys, food, attention, activities, or friends, twins essentially develop a sense of entitlement to whatever their twin has or does. The well-meaning sameness that twin parents instill in their children, having two of everything, sharing everything, and always including each other in play and social circles, leads them to believe this is right, this is normal, and anything else is not fair and should not be tolerated.
This can develop into an unhealthy relationship with:
Emotional blackmail
Guilt trips
An acute sense of responsibility for each other’s feelings (twin duty)
But a twin is not responsible for their co-twin’s feelings. Learning how to deal with unpleasant emotions is our own responsibility, and children learn to do this with a supportive adult nearby. So when one twin does not feel like sharing, for example, it is the caregiver's role to support the disappointed twin’s feelings. Caregivers should help them process frustration, anger, and rejection, hold space for their emotions, and teach them how to find healthy ways to cope in the future. It is not a healthy habit to place the responsibility for their feelings onto the twin who stands their ground or guilt them into pleasing their twin by giving in to what they want.
Advocating for each twin’s feelings and needs, and supporting them as they navigate difficult emotions, will help them develop necessary emotional skills and avoid twin guilt. Every child learns these lessons sooner or later, whether at home when interacting with their siblings or at the playground or daycare with other children. Yet for twins, this lesson sometimes takes a detour and fails to include their twinship and how to manage these complex emotions with the person they are closest to.
Just as every singleton child has the right to their own belongings, so does each twin. They should not be expected to share all the time. Being a twin does not mean giving up the right to make choices, own toys, enjoy a treat in peace, or form independent friendships. It might be a bit trickier to navigate, yet the responsibility falls on caregivers to make this possible for them. It is up to us to help them define the blurry lines between where one twin ends and the other begins, making those boundaries very clear. When they understand this, they can feel confident in saying no, recognizing when their limits have been challenged, and knowing they have the right to autonomy and agency.
Sharing and including others only because you are made to feel guilty is not genuine caring. It can lead to resentment and anger. Boosting each twin’s sense of self and self-esteem starts with us. They may not realize something is off until adulthood, and by then, a heavy emotional burden will need to be unpacked.
I talk about this and more in my interview with Dr. Joan A. Friedman. Dr. Friedman shares her twin expertise as we unpack some of her childhood memories of growing up as an identical twin, as well as her journey into twin parenthood and supporting adult twins battling twin-related issues.
It is therefore important to give twins the tools and language to express how they feel. Give them opportunities not to share so they know what it feels like. Advocate for their right to hold on to something if they do not want to part with it or do not feel like sharing at the moment. Not only will this empower their confidence, self-esteem, and sense of self, but it will also make those moments when they do need to share more tolerable.
When twins never get an opportunity to have their own things, the status quo of sharing and including evolves into an unhealthy sense of entitlement. It also blurs the lines between one twin’s emotional experience and the other’s.
Feeling required to cheer up a twin and make them happy by giving up something you do not want to or by canceling your own feelings to accommodate theirs is not a healthy relationship. It is codependent at best and toxic at worst. This dynamic can shape how each twin nurtures other relationships in their lives, including friendships, intimate relationships, familial bonds, and professional interactions.
Four ways to support your twins' sense of self and avoid twin guilt
1. Let them have their own things
Proactively give each twin their own toys and clothes, and encourage them to have personal friends, pursue hobbies, and spend alone time with you and others.
2. Facilitate opportunities where they don't need to share
When conflict arises, advocate for the twin who does not want to share. Let them know they do not have to and support the upset twin. Hold space for both of their feelings and explain why this is okay.
3. Give them tools to co-regulate and self-regulate
There are many ways to help children process difficult feelings, and different children prefer different strategies. Hugs, moving to another space, engaging in a different activity, drawing, or going for a walk can help an upset child navigate a challenging moment. For very young children, give them physical outlets for pent-up frustration such as punching or biting a pillow or throwing a ball outside, rather than becoming aggressive with their twin. It takes time for children to learn what is and is not acceptable behavior. While they are learning, they need alternative ways to express their emotions physically.
4. Normalize non-sharing interactions
When one twin does not want to share and the other begins to tug at their co-twin’s heartstrings (and yours), address emotional blackmailing statements such as, “You have to share with me,” “But I want to do this, you have to let me,” or “You are my twin, you need to share” with empathy but a clear message. Acknowledge that this is hard and upsetting, but affirm that their twin does not have to share.
Advocating for the twin who does not want to share or include the other will give them the confidence to do so on their own in the future. It will also equip them with the language to express their needs without feeling guilty for wanting something of their own.
So next time your twins fight over something, pause and observe. Do they really need to share right now? What will happen if they do not? Are we choosing the easy way out by making them share to avoid tears? Can we step in and help them learn to recognize and appreciate each other’s feelings, needs, and desires for independence and autonomy?
Read more from Smadar Zmirin
Smadar Zmirin, Twin Specialist
Smadar started her twin journey when she got her first job as a twin nanny. Quickly realising the impact adults have on twins’ well-being and emotional development, Smadar felt drawn to advocating for and supporting each child’s unique identity and independence. She established Twinful Life to support twin families raising emotionally healthy twins, and became a twin-oriented early childhood educator.
