Will Having a Baby Change Who I Am?
- Brainz Magazine
- May 12
- 4 min read
Written by Amy Spofford, Pre & Postnatal Coach
Amy Spofford is well-versed in pregnancy, birth, postpartum, and mom life. She is the founder of Eat What Feels Good, LLC, a platform promoting healthy preparation for and healing from birth so new moms can enjoy their little ones.
Before having children, I had plenty of time to think about myself. Looking back on that time makes me realize that there was not much actual self-reflection happening, though. It's safe to say I was content in my egocentrism. In hindsight, I roll my eyes at my own naivety. Parenting was the thing that changed me, and in a larger sense, it was adversity in general, and the requirement to look outside of myself and my own needs. Change breeds growth. Now I can see how a fundamental and sudden shift in lifestyle can spur a personality "glow-up" of sorts, once we’ve managed the learning curve. As we adjust to parenthood, learn about ourselves, and become the people our children will deem worthy of being admired, many of us can notice this shift. While it can feel scary at first, these changes can be for the better.
Focused on myself
Before having a baby, my day-to-day inner monologue was simpler. Sure, I was a partial caregiver for my sick father, and I had a full-time job, a husband, and a mortgage. I don't want to diminish the brain space those things occupied, because it was significant. Within my household, though, I was primarily responsible for myself, and that felt like enough at the time. Maybe if I knew what was coming, I would have taken more naps!
After being married for a few years, I was excited to expand our family. We had struggled a bit with fertility, and my pregnancy felt like a miracle. I enjoyed being pregnant, and I began listening to and reading everything I could about the transition into parenthood. I wanted to be as "ready" as I could be for the changes to come, but I'm sure I didn't grasp their full scale. Who can, really? Parenthood is one of those experiences for which all the advice in the world cannot fully prepare you. One must see for themselves.
What, like it's hard having a baby?
I was confident during my pregnancy that I wouldn't lose myself after having a baby (ha). I was going to continue life as a social butterfly, strapping the little one to my body and going about my schedule. No kid was going to stop us, and that made the identity shifts of early parenthood suppress themselves into a comfy couch of denial, for a while, anyway.
As many first-time parents will notice, barring colic or other medical issues, it's quite easy to bring your sleepy newborn wherever you want to go (within reason). Out to dinner? Our little angel slept in her car seat. Beer garden? "Look at us, living the life!" Pumping at a friend's rooftop party while baby sleeps in a bedroom below? I'm not a regular mom, I'm a cool mom. Everything seemed to point in the direction of me being the exception to the parenting rule of our lives being turned upside down.
When clarity hit
The truth is, though, I wasn't dealing with the grief of my breastfeeding challenges and wasn't managing sleep deprivation as well as I thought. I was struggling with ongoing diastasis recti (abdominal muscle separation) and stress incontinence (especially when I drank alcohol). I was actively grieving the loss of my father, who didn't live long enough to meet my baby. Eventually, these things caught up with me. Though it took me a while to realize this turning point, early postpartum is when the inner work began.
Inevitably, parenthood changes our perspective on so many things. I came out of the fog of early postpartum knowing myself so much better, having been forced to mature overnight with the realization that I am, in fact, a full-grown adult who is in charge of the well-being of another human now. Being responsible for a tiny, squishy baby gives us a sense of purpose that is bigger than anything we’ve known before. The adjustment may take time, but the grounding is nearly immediate. In hindsight, I appreciate being brought back down to Earth.
The mindset makeover
Whether we planned for them or not, we have our babies to thank for the mindset makeover that many of us experience as new parents. It is not even about them individually, despite it being almost entirely caused by their presence. Their being born triggers a cascade of other shifts in our routines, responsibilities, and priorities that require new coping skills and a sense of perseverance we may have never experienced before. Essentially, we are forced to grow up and show up for our babies. We get through the day on three hours of sleep because we have to; there isn't another option. We survive another day, and eventually, we do get more sleep again.
I had sworn I wouldn't change when I became a mom, and now that I'm on the other side of it, I am so glad I have. I am more resilient. I learned in real time what sacrificing my own wants and needs looks like. I have encountered adversity and have had to push through it. Other life experiences contributed to my personal growth, as they do for everyone, but I had never experienced such change all at once before I became a parent, literally overnight.
Does having a baby really change the core of who we are? It depends. In my case, I am more mature, more patient, and more grateful than I’ve ever been. I’m still me, but this me is actually so much better.
Read more from Amy Spofford
Amy Spofford, Pre & Postnatal Coach
Amy Spofford is a Pre & Postnatal Coach, a Nutritional Therapy Practitioner, and a mom of three little ones. Practicing as a speech-language pathologist in a nursing home rehab setting during a pandemic made pregnancy and early parenthood beyond difficult. Amy used her holistic nutrition certification and research skills to dive deep into all things pregnancy, birth, and postpartum, thinking there has to be a better way to navigate this season of life. This led to her becoming certified as a Pre & Postnatal coach. Her mission is to reduce the incidence of perinatal mood and anxiety disorders by providing education and support to pregnant women through their transition into postpartum.
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