Stop Lying to Yourself With Toxic Positivity and Embrace Self Compassion
- Brainz Magazine
- 6 hours ago
- 6 min read
Candace Davey, founder of Counselling with Candace, is a dedicated counsellor and empowerment coach. She supports individuals and couples through life's challenges with a tailored, judgement-free approach. Through counselling, seminars and webinars, she equips and empowers people with the tools and confidence to thrive personally and professionally.
In a world where social media is plastered with curated smiles, motivational mantras, and relentless optimism, it's easy to fall into the trap of toxic positivity, the belief that we must maintain a positive mindset no matter how painful or difficult life becomes. While staying hopeful has its merits, “forced-positivity” at the expense of acknowledging your genuine emotions can do more harm than good.
It’s time we stop lying to ourselves and start embracing a more honest, healing alternative.
What is toxic positivity?
Toxic positivity is the overgeneralisation of a happy, optimistic state across all situations. It’s the mental habit of trying to flip everything into something positive, even when the circumstances are painful or unjust. It’s the inner voice or sometimes the external pressure that insists we look on the bright side, be grateful, or that it could be worse. Another statement I often hear from clients is “everything happens for a reason.”
These statements may seem harmless, even helpful, but when used to shut down uncomfortable emotions, they invalidate our human experience. The problem isn’t positivity itself, it’s the denial of reality. They imply that it’s wrong to feel sad, angry, anxious, or overwhelmed. That difficult emotions should be hidden, dismissed, or overridden as quickly as possible. But real life is far more complex, and true emotional health can’t be built on a foundation of denial.
Toxic positivity isn't strength, it’s avoidance dressed in glitter.
When we learnt to lie
This habit of emotional suppression doesn't come out of nowhere. For many of us, it was something we learnt early in life. Many of us were raised on well-meaning phrases like “You’re fine” or “It’s not a big deal.” We were told not to cry or to snap out of it when we felt overwhelmed, sad, or angry. And even though these responses were usually intended to comfort or calm us, these small, repeated moments sent a clear message: your emotional response is too much, too inconvenient, too uncomfortable for the world around you.
The disconnect
Over time, we internalised these messages. We began to see our emotional responses not as valid expressions of our humanity, but as flaws to be managed or hidden. We learned to equate strength with silence and resilience with emotional suppression. As adults, we carry these habits with us, smiling when we want to cry, brushing off pain with jokes, telling ourselves we’re fine even when something inside us is clearly not.
When we constantly override our true emotions with forced positivity, we're not building strength; we’re building disconnection from ourselves, our truth, and our emotional reality. Unprocessed emotions don’t simply disappear. They linger, morph, and eventually show up in ways that are harder to ignore.
The cost of pretending you're okay
When we suppress or deny our emotions, they don’t simply go away. They get pushed down and internalised, where they sit and fester. They affect our well-being in serious ways. We may start to feel anxious, emotionally numb, disconnected from ourselves, or overwhelmed by seemingly “random” outbursts of stress or sadness. We start to feel disconnected from others because we’re not being authentic, and sometimes, even our relationship with ourselves begins to crack.
You might start to feel like a fraud, performing happiness while silently falling apart inside. Pretending you’re okay doesn’t protect you or make you strong; it isolates you. It keeps you performing instead of healing. And you can’t heal a wound you refuse to look at.
Stop lying and start listening to yourself
We’re often our own harshest critics, and we tend to drown out our inner voice with messages we’ve internalised over time. We tell ourselves to suck it up, to push through, to be strong. But rarely do we stop and ask, What do I actually need right now? What am I really feeling?
When we override our emotional truth with forced optimism, we're not building resilience; we’re just turning down the volume on our pain. Listening to yourself means making space for your emotions, not silencing them. It means letting sadness speak, letting anger breathe, and allowing discomfort to exist without judgment. That’s where healing starts, not with denial, but with recognition.
Enter: Self-compassion
Unlike toxic positivity, self-compassion doesn’t demand that you look on the bright side. It simply asks you to be honest about where you are and to treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer someone you love. Developed and studied extensively by psychologist Kristin Neff, self-compassion involves meeting pain with patience and warmth, not with judgment or shame.
There are three essential parts to self-compassion. First is mindfulness, the ability to recognise what we’re feeling without exaggerating, minimising it, or pushing it away.
Secondly, there’s self-kindness, which means speaking to ourselves with care and understanding instead of harshness. Finally, there’s common humanity, the reminder that we’re not alone in our struggles and that feelings are part of the shared human experience.
While toxic positivity says, “Don’t feel bad,” self-compassion gently reminds us, “It’s okay to feel what you’re feeling.”
Why self-compassion heals
Self-compassion gives us permission to be real. It creates space for our emotions instead of shoving them into a corner, allowing us to process what we’re going through in a safe, supportive inner space, which in turn builds emotional resilience. Science backs this up. People who practice self-compassion tend to be more emotionally resilient, experience less anxiety and depression, and even feel more motivated over time. It turns out that being gentle with ourselves during times of struggle doesn’t make us weak or lazy, it makes us stronger, more capable, and more willing to try again.
How to practice self-compassion
If you want to stop lying to yourself and start being emotionally honest, it starts with paying attention. When you're overwhelmed or upset, take a moment to ask yourself, What am I really feeling right now? Next, try putting those feelings into words, even just for yourself. Say it out loud or write it down. “I feel frustrated.” “I feel overwhelmed.” “I feel scared.” When we name our feelings, we reduce their power over us.
Another way is to try writing a letter to yourself when you’re struggling, using the same words you’d use for a close friend. Replace dismissive thoughts like “I shouldn’t feel this way” with gentler truths like, “This is hard, and I’m doing my best.” If someone you loved was going through what you’re going through, you wouldn’t tell them to "get over it" or "stop being dramatic." You’d probably say, “I hear you,” or “This sounds really hard,” or even just, “I’m here for you.” Try offering that same tenderness to yourself.
Finally, when you’re having a rough time, try to resist the urge to immediately fix things or seek quick solutions. Sometimes, what we need isn’t a solution, it’s space. The space to feel, to grieve, to breathe. The space to be truly seen and heard.
Final thoughts
Life isn’t meant to be perfectly curated or constantly joyful. It’s full of moments that challenge us, break us open, and ultimately teach us something if we’re willing to feel them fully. Real strength comes not from faking your way through, but from showing up for yourself exactly as you are. Toxic positivity tells you to hide your pain. Self-compassion tells you to hold it gently.
So the next time you feel the urge to smile through the struggle, pause. Breathe. And remind yourself: it’s not only okay to not be okay, it’s necessary. That’s not weakness. That’s being human.
If any part of this resonates with you, if you’ve been carrying emotional weight in silence, struggling with burnout, or feeling disconnected from your true self, know that you don’t have to navigate it alone.
As a counsellor, I provide a safe and supportive space where you can begin to explore these feelings honestly and gently, as you reconnect with your emotional truth, and as you build a more compassionate relationship with yourself.
Ready to take the next step?
Get in Touch with me and begin your journey.
Read more from Candace Davey
Candace Davey, Integrative Psychotherapist and Empowerment Coach
At the very core, the founder of Counselling with Candace, Candace Davey, believes that everyone has a unique story. By embracing each person's individuality and tailoring a therapeutic approach to their needs, she helps them heal, grow, and build resilience. Through counselling and empowerment coaching, she equips and empowers individuals to overcome challenges and thrive in all aspects of their personal and professional lives.
