Stop Expecting – Start Agreeing
- Nov 6, 2022
- 5 min read
Updated: Feb 1, 2024
Written by: Brigitte Münch, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Many people walk around with expectations – on others, but also on themselves. A life based on expectations, however, can only lead to disappointment. Read what you can do instead.
In many organizations, leaders work with expectations. They expect their employees to always perform at their best or to deliver against (too) tight timelines, they expect their vendors to give them unreasonable prices, they expect their boss to promote them, they expect their business partners to jump in, they expect their team to achieve certain quality standards and results.
Same holds true in the private lives of many people. They expect their partners to be romantic, they expect their kids to behave the way they think they should, they expect their friends to be available and funny all the time, they expect their team mates in the sports club to be as committed as they are.
No matter if in the professional or private space, such expectation-based leadership, partnership or other relationship becomes even more interesting as many expectations are not clearly expressed – or not even communicated at all. It is simply expected that the other person knows what the expectation is and that they live up to that expectation. It sounds funny, but it is such a common situation: How often do you think your team members know exactly what you want and expect without even telling them? And if the result is not really what you expected, what is the answer to the question “Did I tell them? Did I clearly communicate what I want?” When you are honest with yourself, you may notice that you didn’t, that you expect them to know what you want as you think it is so obvious.
The thing is: A relationship based on expectations does not work.
People don’t like to fulfil other’s expectations. In fact, they rather object to expectations and are much less motivated and engaged when they have to live up to expectations all the time. If you hear someone say to you: “I expect that you…”, you will never feel good or even excited. It puts pressure and burden on you and takes away the joy of a task already before you have started.
There is an alternative, however – which is called Agreement. Agreements are so much stronger than expectations, and here is why:
Agreements require the commitment of both sides, whereas expectations are one-sided. If you agree with a person to reach a certain result or to take a specific action, you do not simply throw an expectation on them, but you become part of it yourself. You take on your bit to achieve the result or help the other person take the action. Expectations put all the responsibility on the other person, which is cowardly hiding away from the part you should fulfill.
Agreements give room for joint creation of a solution which works for all. The other person has a chance to suggest improvements, express concerns or think outside your own box, whereas expectations cut off any creativity. Designing a best possible way together leads to higher engagement, more innovation and ultimately better results. In addition, it is much more fun to create something together than reactively working against expectations, which cause stress and often anxiety.
The reverse of the expectation medal is disappointment. When you live on an expectation-based level, you have a specific picture of how you want things to be or turn out, which can only lead to disappointment. Especially when the communication of an expectation is not clear – which is the case in the vast majority of situations, the “executing person” tries to find their way, which probably deviates from the picture in your head. By entering into an agreement, however, chances are much higher that the other person gives you what you wanted. You cannot be disappointed if the other person fulfils the agreement you have entered into. You do not only reduce your disappointments in a significant way, you even open the door for positive surprises.
People do not want to be in breach of the agreements they have made. They want to keep their word. (This is even valid for criminals, just think of The Godfather movies by Coppola and Puzo.) It is a question of their honour and self-image, which they do not want to damage. You can even start the creation of an agreement by agreeing that both sides will keep their word, which can be a very powerful conversation and change the way you interact with each other. This is not possible when you are operating with expectations: human beings are not made to live up to the expectations of others, and when they have to, it awakens a rebellious feeling deep inside of them. This decreases the chance that you get what you expect.
Expectations simply don’t work. They don’t bring people closer together, induce creativity or innovation or excite anyone. If your leadership or partnership is based on expectations, you will not inspire others, bring out the best in them, use their potential, create an environment of trust and achieve the results you could. Even worse, you have to live with permanent disappointment, which pulls out your energy, joy and excitement and leaves you with negative thoughts and feelings, lower self-esteem and much more stress and unhappiness in your work and life. Who wants that?
All of the above is also valid for leading yourself. Think for a moment about the expectations you have on yourself and how you feel about them – and then start making agreements with yourself. You will not only be a much kinder person with yourself, your family, friends and colleagues, but also achieve much better results.
Expectations are not necessary anywhere in your life. The beauty of replacing expectations by agreements is that you shift away from being at the mercy and effect of anyone else – and take full responsibility for anything you want to achieve.
Brigitte Münch, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Brigitte Münch dedicates her work as consultant, coach, trainer, speaker and mentor to developing (leadership) personalities and guiding individuals, teams and organizations to (re-)discover their goals and values, talents and potentials and to define and follow their vision of inspiration, fulfilment, growth and greater success. During her career, she has worked as tech lawyer, legal consultant, team lead, negotiator, motivator, advisor, project lead, hamster wheel runner, trainer and mentor in various European countries and across many cultures, functions and communication styles. To focus on her true passion for people, their careers, life paths, backgrounds, motivation, thinking, communication and behaviour also in her professional life, she founded her own coaching and consulting company. She is convinced that there is an immense potential, power and genius in each and every individual, team and organization, which is waiting to be detected and unleashed ‒ and that new challenges require new ways of thinking. "Start leading yourself and discover the immense power and potential inside of you, your employees and your company.”
