Written by: Dr. Jeni Wahlig, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The internet is full of quick tips for learning communication skills, resolving conflict, and improving your relationship, but there is just ONE skill, that no one is talking about, that will dramatically transform your committed love relationship. We call it Empowered Accountability, and in just 5 simple steps, you can be empowered to take your relationship beyond its struggles and consciously create an extraordinary one.
What is Empowered Accountability?
If you’ve never heard about, much less been taught, the skill of Empowered Accountability before, you’re not alone. Most people haven’t, and that’s for good reason. Empowered Accountability is a new idea and skill that my partner and I have only recently introduced into the relationship discourse. It’s a revolutionary, leading-edge approach to understanding your own role in what you experience in your relationship(s), and it’s a powerful skill for empowering you to create lasting transformation in them.
We define Empowered Accountability as the skill of recognizing and then applying one’s power and responsibility to both effect and account for the experiences in their life. At the foundation of Empowered Accountability is the recognition that each of us is a participant in the creation of our own experience, and it directs us to bring consciousness to how we can be a participant in changing our experience.
Empowered Accountability is about looking inward to observe how you “got here,” and taking responsibility for getting somewhere different. It’s about owning how you have been contributing to the struggles in your relationship and empowering yourself to consciously, lovingly, and effectively participate in the solution.
To be clear, empowered accountability is not about blaming yourself, nor does it imply that you are solely responsible for "fixing" everything. While transformation starts with one, it ultimately does take two. Rather, empowered accountability is about becoming aware and conscious of your own part in the picture, which is the part of the picture you actually have the power to change, and then changing it for the good of your relationship.
The problem with the usual response to problems
When most people experience unresolved conflict, poor communication, or ongoing frustration and dissatisfaction in their relationship, they blame their partner. That is, most people will look at the problems in their relationship and quickly see how, if their partner had done or said something different, or if their partner could just be different in some way, that problem wouldn’t exist. People tend to have very valid reasons for feeling hurt, frustrated, or even unloved by their partner. Their desires for their partner to respond or show up differently in the relationship are often just as valid.
Yet, the problem shows up when the other partner is feeling the same way. That is, both partners are hurt, frustrated, or upset. Both partners see the other person as the reason for the problem and the solution to the problem. Each person wants the other to change, or at least to apologize, or maybe even just to soften and show they care.
Now, you are in a power struggle. Each partner is essentially pointing their finger at the other person and wanting, waiting, or fighting to get that person to do something different first.
This very normal, and even very understandable process is nevertheless very ineffective! It keeps partners stuck in their struggles, leaves issues unresolved, and makes communication ineffective. If it goes on too long, it will leave both partners feeling drained and defeated and puts the relationship at high risk of dissolution.
How learning Empowered Accountability can dramatically improve your relationship
Empowered Accountability is the opposite of what typically happens. Instead of looking at your partner as the problem and solution, Empowered Accountability is a skill by which you are bringing consciousness to how you have been a part of the problem and how you can be a part of the solution. In the practice of Empowered Accountability, you take your power back and learn how to be a catalyst for the changes that you want to experience in your relationship, without having to wait or rely upon your partner doing something first.
As cliché as the adage is of "it takes two," there's deep truth where most relationship problems are concerned. The truth is, that you are already 50% of your relationship. You are a participant in how effective your communication is, how vibrant your sex life is, how well conflict is managed, and how healthy your relationship is overall.
The practice of Empowered Accountability helps you to be more effective, conscious and loving in your 50% of the relationship, which by itself will already change the trajectory of how your relationship unfolds. More than that, though, by showing up more powerfully and effectively in your relationship, you will have a better chance at influencing your partner and inviting them into their own growth and healing alongside you.
Your partner will see and feel the ways that you are showing up more powerfully, effectively, and lovingly. Because they love you, they are likely to want to respond in kind. Now, both of you are doing your empowered accountability work, focusing on how each of you can show up with more consciousness, effectiveness, and love. Here, you and your partner become an unstoppable team—each committed to being a participant in consciously creating the happy, loving, connected relationship you want.
The 5 Steps of Empowered Accountability
The skill of Empowered Accountability can be broken down into 5 simple (though not always easy) steps.
Step 1: Notice
Noticing is the act of bringing conscious awareness to what you’re experiencing. Most of the time, what you will notice is that you are feeling some flavor of unhappiness about your relationship or frustration with your partner. The key in this step is to allow those uncomfortable feelings and unpleasant thoughts to become an indicator of the need to engage in the practice of Empowered Accountability.
Step 2: Remember
The first thing that you are remembering here is that, if you’re feeling unhappy about something in your relationship, it’s time to bring more awareness to what’s going on and, in particular, to what your part in it might be and how you can help. In our work with couples, we teach additional tools and shortcuts to remember in this step, but underlying all of them is a commitment to stepping up, being the one, and doing this work.
Step 3: Shift
Shifting is about doing the work to bring your heart, mind, and nervous system into a space of openness. This means doing the work of self-soothing. If you are feeling upset about your partner or your relationship, it means your nervous system is activated, and you have moved into some form of self-protection. When this happens, you are not in a place of receptivity to personal accountability, much less stepping into your relationship in the most conscious and loving of ways. It takes at least 20 minutes for your nervous system to reset if you are actively doing something to help soothe it (as opposed to "stoking the fire," so to speak.) Shifting doesn't mean getting to a place where you feel 100% better. Rather, it's about getting back into your window of tolerance so that you can be open and receptive to new ways of understanding what’s happening, your part in it, and how you can respond most effectively.
Step 4: Ask Empowered Questions
Questions are powerful ways to bring conscious awareness to what is happening, how you may be contributing to it, and how you can be part of the solution. Some of our favorite questions include, “What’s my sh*t to own here?” “What is my partner’s perspective?” and “What could I do that would help?” For more of our top empowered questions, check out this blog post.
Step 5: Consciously Respond
As a result of asking empowering questions, you will start to become aware of different ways that you can respond that will be more likely to move you and your partner in the direction you desire. Here, you are moving the conscious awareness into conscious action. You are stepping in and showing up from a place of accountability, intention, and love. Chances are the response that you engage in here will result in a much more desirable response from your partner, thus moving you further along your path to healing, connection, and fulfillment.
If you’re struggling in your relationship and want to learn more ways that you can help to improve your relationship, please visit our website and check out our blog page. Also, I encourage you to download our “Top 5 Tips for Improving Your Relationship Quickly," which comes with a free 30-minute video training, where I take the teachings even deeper.
Dr. Jeni Wahlig, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Jeni Wahlig (she/they) is a transformational relationship coach, licensed couple & family therapist, teacher, author, & public speaker. She identifies as graysexual queer, genderqueer-femme, polyamorous, white, able-bodied, & a parent. Self-proclaimed “relationship nerd,” Jeni has dedicated her career to studying relationships & supporting couples, particularly within the Queer & Trans communities. In partnership with her soulmate, Calvin Osili, Jeni offers critically conscious relationship education & coaching through their business, PowerfuLove. Their mission is to empower couples with the knowledge and skills they need to move beyond struggles & consciously create an extraordinary relationship.
