Written by: Anka Grzywacz, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Barbara complained about low desire in her marriage. Learn how the philosophy of good enough sex helped her move from lack of interest in sex to intimate satisfaction.
What you’ll learn:
Barbara, like many women in long marriages complained about low desire but that wasn’t her biggest problem.
We make the mistake of believing that sex will be the same throughout our lives.
Perfectionism is the killer of desire and intimate satisfaction.
Good enough sex doesn’t mean low quality. It helps us take the pressure off and enjoy.
Photo credits: Josue Ladoo Pelegrin for Pexels
Barbara suffered from low desire
Barbara came to me for a sexologist’s consultation with low desire. She and her husband Piotr have been together for almost ten years. “We’re a great marriage. We’re like best friends but we lost that spark”, she told me.
When I asked her what she wanted, she said “I wish we could go back to when we first met. We couldn’t get our hands off each other! We had regular sex and it was a lot of fun.”
After ten years, Barbara couldn’t be bothered. She only did it feeling she owed sex twice a month to her husband. Deep down she was afraid he would start cheating if she refused.
As we started digging deeper, I realized that libido wasn’t the biggest issue here. What this woman thought about sex, and what she expected to happen in the bedroom, was the source of her problems.
Your sex life is changing
I’ve seen it many times – that longing to bring back the happy sexual past. We’re so stuck on that memory that we forget to see what’s happening in our lives today. And times are a-changing for all of us. The dust is settling after the COVID-19 pandemic and this stressful time had a huge impact on our desire levels.
Let’s do a quick check-in. If you’ve been with your partner for several years, think of five things that changed in your life (I’m sure there’s more). Here are some examples:
You got older. And if you're one of those couples who have been together since high school, you’re completely different people today.
You may have had children. Even if you didn’t, chances are high that you’re living in a patchwork family of sorts.
You took on stressful obligations, such as a mortgage, more responsibility at work etc.
You lost or gained weight.
Your physical or mental health suffered.
These are just a few things that shape our libido and sexuality. And we’re trying to act as if nothing’s changed!
We expect of ourselves and our partners to stay up all night, making sweet lovin’ only to wake up refreshed at 6 a.m. and ready for work. Remember those times? I do! But I was a student then and I could function on less sleep!
Stop striving for perfection
In my work with Barbara, we quickly realized that her idealized image of sex stood in her way of happiness. Like me, she met her future husband in her early 30s. He was a bit older than her, but both were in perfect health. They worked regular hours and had plenty of time to date and enjoy long intimate sessions.
Today, they are parents of two young children. Piotr lost his job during the pandemic and had an episode of depression. Barbara’s ageing mom got sick, and Barbara was flying to and from her home in Switzerland to her native country. Expat life has its disadvantages.
“I never thought about it this way”, she told me. I didn’t realize that what’s going on in my life had such a big impact on my sex drive.
“And the same applies to Piotr”, I added. “What your husband has gone through, changed him sexually too.”
It was time to do a reality check on Barbara’s sexual expectations. She wanted passionate lovemaking. She said she couldn’t relax if she had limited time for intimacy. And she expected Piotr to be more attentive to her needs. And she wanted him to last longer.
In the perfect world we would all stay young, thin, and healthy forever. We’d have endless energy and vitality. We wouldn’t have worries or fears that make us tense and rob us of pleasure.
But we live in the real world, and we need to make the best of what we've got. In enters the philosophy of Good Enough Sex.
How good enough sex can help
I’m not the first sexologist to talk about this but it seems to me these ideas have never reached mainstream. Fantastic couple’s therapist Dr. Marty Klein talks about sexual intelligence, which is a no-nonsense, honest, and mature approach to intimacy. Many others address perfectionism, body image, and the influence of porn on our erotic functioning.
In my TEDx talk I shared my take on what Good Enough Sex means and how I use these ideas to help clients go back to happy sexuality.
Here's how it can help you too:
Good enough sex is better than no sex
Whenever I tell a couple they should put sex in their calendars, they look at me with disbelief. "It's going to kill the mood!"
Well, I tell them. “You’ve relied for years on spontaneous desire and how has that worked out for you? Why not try something else for a change?”
Having regular sex, minus the pressure for everything to be perfect, keeps your libido levels high (or at least, average). The key here is to treat sex broadly. You meet as planned and do some sexy things together. It could be full-on intercourse with multiple orgasms. It could be a kissing session, or even watching an adult film. By doing this you are showing yourself and your partner that sexuality is important to you.
Good enough sex is fun. And funny
Remember that scene from “Sex and the City”? The one when Carrie farts in bed with Mr. Big? She’s mortified. We worry so much about our sexual image and performance. It seems to me we’re trying to pretend we’re not human!
I’ve worked with several female clients who always made love with the lights out. And some have been married to the same man for years. And still, they didn’t want him to see their body. They didn’t want him to be “disgusted” by rolls of fat, or stretch marks acquired after pregnancies.
We’re taking that sex thing way too seriously. It’s supposed to be messy, and awkward! I mean, think about it. Two (or more) naked, sweaty bodies, rubbing together, making strange movements, and funny faces.
It’s impossible to enjoy intimacy if you’re so focused on controlling every aspect of it. So, jiggle that belly, those non-so-toned buttocks, and saggy breasts away. That’s what they are there for!
Good enough sex is easy
Now, that’s a hard part. How to make that whole sex thing less complicated? From my perspective as a sexologist most of us grew up treating sexuality like a big box with the word CAUTION on it.
We learned it had to be special, holy even. At the same time many of us who were brought up religious heard that it was a sin. There was a lot of shame and embarrassment. And a deafening silence.
As adults, we have the responsibility to unlearn those negative beliefs about sex. And we must break that heavy silence!
Lack of honest conversation is the biggest source of bedroom problems for couples. The more you avoid a topic, the bigger it grows.
Barbara didn't tell her husband that she never had an orgasm during intercourse. She never tried to fake it either. When Piotr asked her “was it good for you”, she told him “yes”, so he took it as a sign that she came.
It took me a long time to help Barbara overcome the fear of asking her long-time husband to focus more on her clitoris. She needed that to feel more pleasure. When she finally addressed this, Piotr was OK with that.
He even bought her a clitoral vibrator to use during intercourse!
"I can't believe I waited so long to tell him. I was so worried that he would get angry or upset. I worried for nothing", she concluded.
Sometimes getting to that “easy” feeling around intimacy is in fact difficult but it’s so worth it.
You can ask for what you want without fear of being judged or ridiculed. You finally focus on enjoying the ride, instead of worrying about every tiny detail.
Photo by SHVETS Production for Pexels
In sex there is always hope
It took Barbara six months to work through her sexual issues. Did she go back to the sex she used to have with Piotr? No.
But she accepted and welcomed the idea that now, in her 40s, a new intimate era begins. Life will never be the same. Bodies will change. People will change. And we can still make wonderful erotic memories together.
The more she talked to me about things that were a taboo for her, the easier it got to discuss them with her husband.
Thanks to our sessions sexuality was more on her mind. Without even noticing, her libido increased, and she got curious. She started pleasuring herself after a long break. “I feel like my juices are flowing again,” she told me.
I remember telling her my mantra "In sex there is always hope". I'm so happy she embraced that hope and got her erotic energy back.
Do you feel stuck in your sex life? Make that first step back to good sex with my free audio course. I will guide you through very short exercises to help you kickstart your desire and have fun in bed again. Click here to access this free course.
Anka Grzywacz, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Anka Grzywacz is a sexologist and Certified Sex Coach. In her online practice she specialized in helping women with low desire, orgasm problems, and intimacy after baby. In 2019 she presented her "Good Enough Sex" philosophy at TEDx Zurich. Back in her home country, Poland, she hosted a nationwide radio show on sexuality and relationships at TOK FM Radio. Anka started out as sex educator, working with teenagers, and a reproductive rights activist. Today, she is based in Zurich, Switzerland.
