Four Issues Blocking Emotional Intelligence
- Apr 29, 2023
- 5 min read
Written by: Royce Morales, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Emotional intelligence, or EQ, a buzzword in personal-development circles, has expanded to include the business world. But is it possible to have a healthy relationship with emotions? Find a different way of understanding them. Change how you deal with them.
The short answer is yes, although becoming emotionally intelligent is easier said than done. To stop your knee-jerk reactions takes commitment, self-awareness, and some inner work to determine what was triggered and why.
EQ is the ability to accurately perceive and the willingness to feel emotions until they are complete. Then, understanding their messages and choosing to respond responsibly rather than blaming, reacting and lashing out.
Emotions are Judged
Most children weren’t given instructions as to what to do with emotions; no tools to feel and understand them. Adults modelled suppressing or overreacting. They commanded you go to your room with that anger; don’t cry over spilt milk; I’ll give you something to cry about. Even the latest parenting technique, promoting use your words, is an effort to cut off emotions.
During moments of pain or loss, you probably made negative decisions about emotions. Maybe your cat got run over and your parents demanded that you stop being a sissy. From then on, don’t be a sissy became your subconscious inner programming, dictating that you suppress sadness.
What Happens
When you consistently suppress, deny or avoid emotions, they get stronger, more easily triggered and sporadic. This is a recipe for chronic stress affecting every aspect of your life.
The derivation of the word emotion is motion. Visualize them as circles wanting to be felt until the circle connects. By not feeling them completely, the circle never finishes, and then tries in other situations to no avail.
Recognizing that negative emotions are covering up triggered fears can bring empowered EQ. However, your primitive, survival-based mind is convinced that it’s safer hiding and denying fear using other emotions.
Recognizing and Moving Emotions
1. Defensiveness
Defensiveness indicates fear was triggered. Triggers always expose something you are in denial of or hiding about yourself.
Scenario: Your boss criticizes a project you worked hard on, triggering defensiveness, anger and shame. You feel disappointed at her insensitivity, not understanding you or the project.
Leaving it there you’ll feel victimized, persecuted, attacked. However, using it to look within to discover the triggered fear and your denial, the situation can be an awakening.
Ask inner questions to determine what’s being reflected. Does part of you believe you are incapable? Do you not feel deserving of support or validation for what you do? Was your real motive to gain approval rather than doing a good job?
Taking responsibility for your emotional reaction and choosing not to counter is an enormous step in emotional intelligence.
2. Avoiding conflict
If you’re a conflict avoider, you are sidestepping the emotions you assume will be triggered based on past confrontations. You fear being uncomfortable in this presumed scenario, rationalizing your choice to just not rock the boat.
On a deeper level, this choice is based on programmed beliefs that cover triggered fears.
With inner delving, you may discover that it’s not the confrontation you’re afraid of, but the emotions that come with it. Are you afraid of their anger or your own? The real fears that surface might be surprising and enable you to trust anything that may happen.
3. Feeling is healing
You may not realize you habitually ignore your emotions. Do you automatically respond “Oh, I’m fine” even if you’re miserable? Do you rationalize saying you don’t want to burden others, believing a can of worms would be opened?
Allowing, accepting and feeling emotions releases them and brings healing. Feeling sadness allows you to complete grief. Feeling anger helps you discover deeper fears and unleashes real empowerment. Feeling shame can prevent you from making the same choices and helps clean up your past.
Once you stop judging your emotions, you’ll be able to accept others’ emotions. You can then be present, choosing words that don’t suppress what they’re feeling. Communication becomes more open, honest, and empathetic. You address issues more constructively, developing authentic connections.
4. Emotional rescuing
Seeking reassurance, rescuing, pity or agreement when you’re emotionally upset is another way emotions are denied. Relying on others to ‘make you feel better’ thwarts what you need to feel.
There’s a big difference between receiving compassion and support versus needing someone to step in and save you – take away your pain; relieve your anxiety; tell you that you are right and the person who pushed your buttons is wrong. This is a mutual dance that couples and friends do frequently, one needs to be rescued and the other needs to rescue.
By having someone listen compassionately, acknowledging what you’re feeling and encouraging discovering the real issues – fears and false beliefs – is empowering rather than saving. Taking responsibility for your triggers helps you not need that reassurance.
EQ people know that receiving reassurance from external places is disempowering and will not save them from their emotions.
What Next?
Mindfully feeling your emotional experiences without judgment is an act of self-love that extends to others. Taking time to understand the underlying fears, messages and mirrors will change those automatic reactions into chosen responsible responses.
The world would be a happier, more peaceful place if we all functioned from the gift emotional intelligence brings. There would be fewer divorces, workplace conflicts would cease and no more wars!
EQ has the power to transform your life and the world. We all deserve that.
Royce Morales, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Royce Morales is a renowned trailblazer, creator of an innovative, spiritually based approach to inner transformation. Her program, Perfect Life Awakening, emerged from a lifetime of frustration searching for inner work that worked. She discovered that revealing specific subconscious origins of self-sabotage, removing its persistent influence, life can shift.
She developed a clearing technique that releases programmed, false beliefs from this as well as previous lives. Negative patterns and hidden fears resolve so paralyzing issues lose their impact. This exclusive, time-tested work takes students from triggered to empowered, uncovering their authentic, purpose-driven life.
PLA also provides applicable tools to navigate daily life – ways to rapidly shift from anger to calm, fear to acceptance, judgement to connection. The work emphasizes awareness of, trusting and following one’s innate intuitive wisdom, then taking bold, inspired, real-world action.
The Perfect Life Awakening courses take place remotely and are presented in small groups to provide individual attention. Royce offers private inner discovery sessions to facilitate deeper work, utilizing her proprietary spiritual clearing technique called Spiritual Cognition Integration.
Royce is the author of three books about her teachings: Want – True Love, Past Lives and Other Complications; Know: A Spiritual Wake-up Call and Back: Rebirth After Stroke, all available on Amazon.
Go to Royce’s YouTube channel where she shares enlightening information about her teachings. She posts weekly blogs and writes articles for several other publications.
