Kala Simmons is the voice behind The Girlfriend's Guide to Starting Over Podcast. As a Certified Master Life Coach and MSW with 15 years of clinical experience in mental health, she leads women to confidently embrace their Main Character Era and step into their highest potential.
Far too many people coast through life, playing a supporting role in their own story. If you are not careful, you will spend an entire lifetime pleasing people, paralyzed by the need for perfection, and incapable of making decisions without outside validation. In the simplest form, our lives are a collection of stories we tell ourselves about our experiences and what those experiences mean about us as individuals. Envisioning your life as a compilation of stories gives you the power to change, influence, or refuse to subscribe to the current narrative you are living. With this new mindset, you can view occurrences, victories, and hardships as plots, seasons, or chapters. Assuming the role of the main character ensures that you view yourself with unconditional positive regard, hold tight to your redeeming qualities, and keep your personal dreams, vision, and mission at the forefront of your life.
What does it mean to be the main character?
Embracing your role as the main character of your life means making a conscious decision to take center stage in your own story. Most people subscribe to narratives created based on uncontrollable factors such as family origin, traumatic experiences, birthplace, or socio-economic status. As a main character, you choose to live on your terms and influence the narrative you embody.
It is important to note that being the main character is not synonymous with being the only character. Owning your role as a main character does not suggest freedom to treat others as disposable or supporting cast members. While some may falsely consider this lifestyle selfish, those who choose to become main characters often have a deep affinity for those they love and are observed to be a highly social, empathetic, and fun-loving group of people. Those who have chosen this path are merely more likely to consider duality and hold their personal ideas, needs, and dreams in high regard when making decisions that could disturb or detour their well-being or goals.
Why is being the main character of your life important?
By choosing to be the main character of your story, you take radical responsibility for your narrative and play the leading role in making decisions and influencing outcomes for your life. While no one can control what happens to them, being the main character and adopting a growth mindset puts you in the driver’s seat for controlling how you respond, what you embrace as fact, and how successfully you recover from difficult experiences. Honoring yourself in every situation and carefully weighing the cost of your decisions allows you to remain the captain of your fate. This self-reflection and awareness reduces the odds of falling victim to people pleasing, fear of failure, and the need for outside validation.
10 strategies for embracing your role as the main character of your life
1. Own who you are
Before embracing your role as the “main character,” you must determine who you are as a character in general. When making this distinction, do not account for your role in your family, friend group, community, or career. Consider truths such as your core values. What do you stand for? What lights up? What are you willing to talk about in a room for hours? Instead of stating that you have multiple degrees, you might say you are a perpetual student of life or a resilient lifelong learner. Instead of saying that you are a grade school teacher, you might proclaim that you are a guide for learning and growth. When you define yourself, utilize descriptors that cannot be erased with a simple change in marital, job, or social status. This stipulation is imperative. By not relying on role or status, you can ensure that no matter where you are in this life, you can remain sure about who you are.
2. Make the ordinary extraordinary
It can be easy to get caught up in the monotony of our everyday lives. One way you can break this pattern is by identifying a few ways that you can begin to make your everyday tasks a "big deal." Consider things like sipping water from a wine glass or freezing mint inside your ice cubes so that your water is light and refreshing. Other ideas include drinking your coffee from a luxury coffee cup or replacing your shower head so that the water is softer, or you can control the intensity of the stream of the water. These small but impactful changes can aid in making your ordinary somewhat extraordinary or exotic. Most of the things we love about vacations can likely be replicated in some fashion in our daily lives with just a little extra effort.
3. Make decisions based on your own needs & desires
It may seem selfish, but it is imperative to consider how your decisions will affect you and your health. As women, we are conditioned to be caretakers and often put our needs behind those of others. Learning how to accommodate the needs of those you love and your career without compromising your health and happiness is crucial to being the main character of your life. Whether your need is physical, financial, emotional, or mental, demonstrating the ability to speak up for yourself can prevent you from experiencing a wealth of distress. For instance, this might include a person with asthma declining an invitation to a cigar bar or not answering a phone call due to not having the emotional bandwidth to problem-solve or take on another person’s troubles.
4. Let go of the fear of failure
Suzy Kassem is often credited with the famous quote, “Doubt has killed more dreams than failure ever will.” In other words, our fear of failure is more harmful than the act of failing. If completely honest, we can accept that we are all imperfect in some way or another. Consider your favorite television character. Even in all their glory, he or she is wildly flawed and somehow more quirky, admirable, and appreciated in spite of their deficiencies. Despite having this in mind, we often charge ourselves with being perfect. Failure is a normal part of trial and error and learning.
By embracing the notion that we can be both a work in progress and wildly successful, while simultaneously releasing the responsibility of being "perfect," we set ourselves up for a level of success that we never even imagined was possible. Instead of trying to be perfect, let us strive to be “better” than we were before, recognizing that we are allowed grace and space to grow. Reframing failure as an opportunity to learn and grow instead of a hurdle to overcome can put us at an advantage for recovering from setbacks.
5. Create strong boundaries
Boundaries are an imperative part of healthy living. When you create a standard for continuous access to your time, money, resources, emotions, and body, you set an expectation of respect. It is worth noting that setting boundaries is not merely for other people. To reach our peak potential, we must also learn to set boundaries with ourselves. You can actively practice boundary setting by saying no or not participating in activities that don't serve you, make you uncomfortable, or place you in a position where your health and wellness are compromised. Additional examples of boundary setting may encompass not taking phone calls after certain hours, declining invitations, or refusing to share private information before you are ready. While setting boundaries may feel uncomfortable or even intimidating initially, these perimeters will promote long-term peace and happiness.
Access your Easy 8-Step Guide for Setting Boundaries.
6. Invest in yourself: Elevate daily things
Envision yourself as your most important investment- your greatest asset. Instead of putting your needs last, be intentional about designating time for self-care and personal development. Investing in activities that nourish and enhance your well-being helps combat feelings of distress and keeps you in physical, emotional, and spiritual alignment.
Additionally, investing in yourself physically, spiritually, and mentally will create a chain reaction for others who seek your time, energy, and acquaintance to do the same.
Examples:
Invest in a quality skin care regimen.
Develop a regular self-care routine.
Book a monthly massage to reduce stress and inflammation.
Commit to personal development through regularly listening to podcasts and audiobooks or reading self-help books weekly or monthly.
Eat a healthy, well-balanced diet.
Incorporate a physical movement or exercise regimen into your lifestyle.
Schedule time to intentionally check in with your Higher Power.
While you may not have the budget to splurge on an influencer-style
wardrobe or pantry, you can find small ways to add luxury to your everyday life. Consider getting an electric toothbrush, silk sheets, or a high-value perfume. You may also opt for cultivating a signature style or accessory to add a dash of whimsy or accent your authentic personality traits.
7. Silence your inner critic: Let go of limiting beliefs
I remember the panic rising in my chest as I turned 30 without an engagement ring. Then the gray hair started to show, and honestly, I wanted to evaporate. During 2020, I had an awakening that no matter when the milestones happened, I would be just as happy, and pining for them only robbed me of all the good and joy that I was experiencing in the present. I urge you to throw the rule book out and let go of limiting beliefs. We all have an inner critic who challenges our potential anytime we dare to step outside our comfort zones. It is important to remember that despite its beckoning for us to retreat to our safe zone, the inner critic exists merely to keep us safe and prevent us from future failure or embarrassment. Learning the power of discernment will serve you well in this capacity. If your inner voice urges you to avoid flood or fire, heed it. However, in most instances, failure will not cause us to perish. You can still go back to school later in life. You can change your career whenever you choose. It is not too late to get married, start a family, launch a business, or buy a home. Sure. Your options may look different, but different doesn't mean impossible. Do not allow your inner critic to be the solitary influence on your decision on how to pursue your dreams.
8. Do the inner work
As a main character, you will face the challenge of assessing and elevating not only what is happening around you but also what is happening within you. If you feel stuck in a constant cycle of heartbreak, confusion, or inability to get ahead, odds are you are unconsciously seeking to resolve an issue. Therapy or life coaching may help you organize your thoughts, process your emotions, and get clear on a course of action that will help you reach the next level. You may also gain insight and helpful strategies through reading self-help books and participating in programs to improve personal development. Additionally, you may consider going through a period of limiting alcohol, recreational clubs, detaching from toxic relationships, and not consuming processed foods to minimize stimuli that could be detrimental to your mind or body.
9. Stop comparing yourself to others
Commit to not comparing your accomplishments to those of others, as there is truth in the saying, "Comparison is the thief of joy." Becoming overly consumed with the achievements of others forces you to lose sight of all the good things happening to and for you. Forging friendships with like-minded friends and cheering them on to victory is encouraged. Just remember that life is not a competition. We are each running our race. Staying focused on our goals and progress is the best strategy for fostering gratitude and crossing the finish line. Walk in your purpose. Stand in your power and greatness.
Exercises to support you in avoiding comparison: spend 10 minutes today unfollowing any social media accounts that make you feel inadequate. Write yourself a love letter to outline the traits you admire about yourself, then rededicate your energy to moving toward your highest potential.
10. Slow down
In a society where we can receive packages in 2-days or less and have the digital world available at our fingertips, slowing down can seem like a lost cause. As the main character of your story, you get to savor every moment of your life. Slowing down could look like not multitasking when you don't have to. Slowing down could also mean checking- in with yourself and your five senses to assess your needs or feelings. Choosing to take life slow allows you to become keenly aware of what's happening around you and creates space for you to consider how those outside experiences are influencing what's going on inside you. Some simple strategies for slowing down include leaving the house with ample time to spare, slowing your pace when you walk, chewing slowly during meals, and proofreading texts and emails before pressing send.
Don’t be afraid to seek support
The initial stages of stepping into your role as the main character of your life may seem frightening. Apply the tips and strategies you have found above, and you will be well on your way to headlining center stage. However, you do not have to make this transition alone. If you are ready to take your personal growth to the next level and desire support in your journey, book a coaching call today.
Together, we will discover who you are, tap into your hidden potential, and unlock the Main Character you've always been inside.
Read more from Kala C. Simmons
Kala C. Simmons, MSW, Certified Master Life Coach
Kala Simmons is a Certified Master Life Coach and Master’s Level Social Worker with over 15 years of experience in mental and behavioral healthcare. Her expertise lies in assisting clients to identify barriers to success, collaboratively crafting solutions, and facilitating goal attainment. Through her personal journey of therapy, coaching, and self-discovery, she now dedicates herself to guiding women towards recognizing their true selves, embracing their Main Character Era, and stepping into their highest potential.
