Written by: Mariann Sebestyen, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
You are not alone with this question when you ask yourself every time you have a bad relationship.
I used to ask myself this question, and I am sure so many women and even men can resonate with this situation.
What is wrong with me?
Do you go into blaming yourself and feeling down?
When the relationship is not working out, we often feel that we can’t find another one like that. You might feel that way at that moment. This is more complex than you think because the way we perceive the experience often doesn’t mean our interpretation or coding is right. So as the relationship ends, you are likely to feel hurt, rejected, abandoned, and worthless and just want to get ice cream or sugary food to make you feel better or reach for that bottle of alcohol. It can probably numb the pain short term, but it is not a solution for attracting good and loving relationships. The problem is that we internalize the experience and conclude that I am not lovable, no one loves me, or I don’t deserve a good relationship, and I will never try again.
It Starts with Your Childhood
Your Childhood has so much to do with bad relationships, especially if you grew up in a dysfunctional family or experienced any form of abuse. Then you are much more likely to attract that into your adulthood. When it is about attachment that you experienced in your childhood between the caregiver-child relationship (mother-child, father-child), it becomes the prototype of your future relationships.
An internal working model of attachment is a mental representation formed through a child's early experiences with their primary caregiver. This mental representation can influence how the child interacts and builds relationships with others as they grow.
So if this was not secure based, rather it was insecure, then you attract people who feed those feelings in you in the future as well. So, you attract people who make you feel bad about yourself, but often that is their projection. Remember, we do not have to internalize other people’s projections. We have to become more self-aware to change and recognize the red flags next time.
Often this can become like a vicious cycle that you feel that you can never break free from. But I can assure you that you can, and it is possible to change that.
Red Flags
The red flags can tell the feature of your partner, which might be identical to your caregiver, who had the same feature when you grew up. The negative feelings can be familiar and link to your experience with your caregivers. This pattern can be unconscious, maybe until this moment when you recognize the signs and when you do, then you know it will not give you a pleasurable experience.
You might attract someone:
Who is emotionally unavailable, is not comfortable with their feeling or sharing their emotions, or is emotionally immature and just dislikes to think ahead or plan with you. Perhaps those who have narcissistic personality features who lack empathy, have a fragile self-esteem, use gaslighting or making you a scapegoat, put you down, so they can feel better and make it all about themselves.
You can also attract people where the relationship is one-sided, so you only put the effort into the relationship. Please note this is very common with people who were not loved in childhood and adulthood they feel they have to work for love and do everything to be loved. An unloved child will become an adult who will do anything just to seek love and attention.
The person is not into you, so just take advantage of you and literally take what they need.
Abuse is not normal! No one deserves to be abused that is not a sign of love, so please do not believe when someone loves you, it is painful. No, love is not painful! It is a myth that goes around and tells people a lie. It is a lie that comes from generations where people believe that they can change a person. Staying in abusive relationship damage and destroy you inside, isolate you from other people and possible help that could be there for you.
So, when you grow up in a dysfunctional family, you only learn that pattern, and you know exactly how to attract a dysfunctional relationship and perhaps a person who had a similar experience. As mentioned above, like attract like. You have not learned in childhood how to attract a loving relationship, but you can change that in adulthood. Oh, yeah, “You have the power,” dear reader.
It Continues with You
You are not going into a relationship and expecting the other person to fix anything about you or you fix them. That is a huge responsibility, but also, what happens if they make you feel bad. That is the reason why it is so important to heal your inner wounds and pain points; work on yourself because you can attract a healthier and happier relationship.
What you can do to attract a loving relationship. Firstly, self-awareness becomes the key in this process. You can make the difference between what is good and what is not good in the relationship. What was familiar from your childhood is not serving you anymore. The bad pattern, the bad schema, and behaviour were more familiar to you because you grew up in that and could be normalized easily. However, as you can see now, that does not mean it makes you happy or it is good for you or your future. Instead, you can have a different ending because you now recognize that these old patterns of behaviour are not working for you in the present.
Rewrite limiting beliefs: The best what you can give yourself is to rewrite your limiting beliefs and implement more positive ones about yourself and your relationships. Past bad experiences happened because of that mindset, environment energy, beliefs, and learned behaviour. But now you can choose to change that. If you want a beautiful relationship, then you need a new mindset, environment, beliefs, energy, and behaviour.
Heal the child and adult self: Relationship wounds, childhood wounds, the self which can be on child and adult self-level. Having a positive relationship with yourself and your past can open up new possibilities and doors for you now.
Self-Love: Learn to love yourself unconditionally. When you fall in love with yourself, so others can fall in love with you as well. Accept and love who you are.
Healthy Self-esteem and self-confidence: See your inner worth, and raise your self-esteem by setting healthy boundaries. You are a magnificent being.
What you look for in the relationship or person: Values, emotion, communication, intimacy, openness, honesty, appreciation, love, kindness, understanding, respect, and consent. You know exactly what relationship you want and be specific about it. Everything is possible!
Give yourself time: You don’t have to make decisions overnight. Spend time with yourself before you decide to spend time with someone else. Give yourself time to get to know the other person gradually.
Know yourself: It is much better to know yourself and discover who you are. See what you are good at and what is your interest, skills, values, and talent. So, you come to see yourself as valuable for the right person and relationship.
Let’s change it together! If you would like to have a chat or share anything with me about yourself. I am happy to listen and help you to achieve your goals. You can read my regular post on my social media platforms.
Mariann Sebestyen, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mariann Sebestyen is an expert in inner child wound healing, breaking free from unhealthy patterns and restoring a healthier self-concept. Adversity in early life left her with developmental challenges, childhood wounds, unmet needs, and the feeling of powerlessness and helplessness. Mariann generated strategies to extraordinarily change her relationship with herself, step into her power and create a positive self-image to become. She has since dedicated her life to helping others unleash their power, letting their true selves shine, and confidently move towards a new life. She is the founder of Inner Child Wound Healing and the Childhood Trauma Healing Journey program. Her mission: Self Restoration.
