Uncovering Narcissistic Mothering in South Asian Families and Its Lasting Impact
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 15
- 7 min read
Updated: May 20
Written by Roje Khalique, Founder of rkTherapy
Roje Khalique is a visionary clinical consultant with 20 years of experience in mental health. She is the founder of rkTherapy, a London-based bespoke psychology consultancy, and a specialist in culturally attuned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT).
Within South Asian family dynamics, maternal narcissism creates distinctive patterns of emotional abuse that often remain hidden behind cultural expectations of filial respect and family unity. This article examines the specific manifestations of narcissistic mothering within South Asian contexts, its psychological impact on first daughters, and the cultural factors that can compound these experiences.
Narcissistic mothering in South Asian families is a hidden trauma masked by tradition and silence. But healing is possible. Through awareness, therapy, and cultural understanding, survivors can reclaim their narratives and foster healthier relationships.
Triangulation and paternal relationships
A defining characteristic of narcissistic mothering is interference in the relationship between father and daughter, mainly when that relationship provides emotional nourishment that the mother either cannot offer or resents. Clinical psychologist Craig Malkin identifies this as "competitive mothering," wherein the narcissistic parent perceives loving attachments between their child and the other parent as threats rather than healthy family bonds (Malkin, 2015).
The daughter may treasure gentle, affirming interactions with an emotionally available father—hair brushing, bedtime stories, expressions of pride—precisely because they contrast with maternal criticism. If the parents separate, the narcissistic mother may systematically remove this source of emotional support, leaving the daughter without her key attachment figure. Research indicates that daughters of narcissistic mothers often experience the loss of paternal relationships as particularly traumatic, compounding their vulnerability to maternal manipulation (McBride, 2013).
The golden daughter to scapegoat transition
In South Asian family systems affected by maternal narcissism, first daughters frequently occupy a paradoxical position as both the "golden child" and primary target of control. Externally, they are showcased as achievements—high academic success, perfect obedience, and adherence to cultural norms become extensions of the mother's perceived excellence. Psychotherapist Karyl McBride terms this "reflected glory," where the child's achievements are entirely co-opted as reflections of the parent's worth (McBride, 2008).
This public elevation contrasts sharply with the private experience. In South Asian families behind closed doors, these daughters may face extraordinary restrictions: dictated clothing choices, educational paths determined without consideration of personal aptitude or desire, severe limitations on social interactions particular with boys or men, and rigid gender-based behavioural constraints. Research shows that this contradiction between public idealisation and private control creates profound cognitive dissonance for the daughter (Baker & Ben-Ami, 2011).
What distinguishes the eldest daughter's experience in South Asian contexts is the dramatic role transition from golden child to scapegoat. Researcher Christine Louis de Canonville identifies this as the "narcissistic family dance," where roles can shift dramatically when the child challenges the narcissistic parent's authority or outgrows their usefulness as an extension of the parent (de Canonville, 2015). The eldest daughter, once the trophy child, often becomes the primary scapegoat when she begins asserting independence or questioning traditional family dynamics—a particularly painful transition that creates lasting identity confusion and self-doubt.
Verbal degradation and identity erasure
Narcissistic mothers in South Asian families may employ derogatory language as a control mechanism, particularly toward daughters. The use of sexually shaming terminology like "silan" (whore) or "vesha" (prostitute) represents more than simple name-calling—it functions as an identity-erasing tactic designed to undermine a daughter's developing a strong sense of self and worth. Psychologist Ramani Durvasula notes that narcissistic parents often "deploy shame as a weapon" and that "sexually tinged insults toward daughters are particularly damaging as they attack the core of identity formation during critical developmental periods" (Durvasula, 2019). This verbal degradation frequently extends to other female family members who display independence, particularly those who make autonomous marriage choices outside traditional parental approval within South Asian communities.
The breaking point and family alliance structure
A characteristic pattern emerges when the daughter reaches young adulthood, typically coinciding with marriage age in traditional South Asian contexts. What psychologist Craig Malkin calls the "narcissistic injury" occurs when the parent perceives the adult child's natural independence as a rejection of their authority (Malkin, 2015). This often triggers unprecedented levels of rage and rejection from the narcissistic mother.
Research by family systems theorist Murray Bowen demonstrates how narcissistic family structures typically involve "triangulation," where other family members—particularly siblings—are enlisted against the targeted individual (Bowen, 1978). In South Asian contexts, this often manifests through older brothers who, having been positioned as authority figures themselves, reinforce the mother's narrative against the daughter.
Trauma bonding and relationship interference
Perhaps the most insidious aspect of narcissistic mothering is the development of trauma bonds—powerful emotional attachments formed under conditions of intermittent reinforcement and power imbalance. Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk notes that these attachments can be stronger than healthy bonds precisely because they activate survival-oriented neurological pathways (van der Kolk, 2014).
A daughter may unconsciously train herself and later even her spouse, to accommodate the narcissistic mother's demands. The mother typically responds by undermining the daughter's marriage through criticism, boundary violations, and triangulation with grandchildren. Research indicates that daughters of narcissistic mothers experience divorce rates approximately 2.5 times higher than the general population, partly due to these dynamics (Baker, 2007).
Strategic isolation and control
Systematic isolation serves as a cornerstone strategy of narcissistic abuse. The mother methodically separates the daughter from potential supporters, creating what psychologist Peg Streep calls an "information monopoly" where the narcissistic parent controls all family narratives (Streep, 2017). This isolation typically extends throughout the daughter's life, with the mother identifying and targeting relationship allies who might encourage the daughter’s independence.
Behavioural control is maintained through predictable tactics:
Communication cut-offs and ‘silent treatment’ when demands aren't met
Compulsive lying to family members about the daughter's behaviour to further isolate
Self-victimisation, portraying self as helpless or oppressed to seek sympathy and attention
Leveraging cultural expectations of filial piety to reinforce control and shaming of daughter
Cultural amplifiers of narcissistic abuse
South Asian cultural contexts can unintentionally amplify narcissistic parenting impacts through several mechanisms:
Collective family identity: The emphasis on family reputation ("izzat") creates additional pressure against disclosing or addressing abuse – suffering in silence.
Hierarchy enforcement: Traditional respect for elders can be weaponised to prevent questioning of parental behaviour, regardless of its harmful nature.
Gender expectations: Traditional gender roles may normalise excessive control over daughters' lives, making narcissistic restrictions appear as normal Asian parenting.
Privacy mandates: Cultural directives to keep family matters private ("ghar ki baat ghar mein") effectively silence victims and prevent intervention.
Psychologist Usha Tummala-Narra notes that these cultural factors "create additional barriers to recognising and addressing family dysfunction in South Asian contexts, as normal cultural practices and pathological control can appear outwardly similar" (Tummala-Narra, 2013).
The necessity of culturally attuned therapy
The unique intersection of narcissistic parenting patterns with South Asian cultural dynamics requires specialised therapeutic approaches. Standard Western therapeutic models often fail to adequately address the complex cultural factors that both enable narcissistic abuse and complicate recovery.
Research by psychologist Arpana G. Inman demonstrates that culturally attuned therapy is essential when addressing family trauma in South Asian contexts. "Therapeutic interventions that lack cultural nuance may inadvertently reinforce shame or create additional conflicts between cultural values and healing needs," notes Inman in her work on culturally responsive counselling with South Asian clients (Inman, 2006).
Effective therapy must navigate several cultural complexities and clinicians providing culturally attuned therapy can help survivors distinguish between cultural respect and enabling abuse—a critical distinction for healing. As researcher Anneliese Singh notes, "The most effective interventions honour cultural identity while creating space for individuals to define healthy relationships on their terms" (Singh & Hays, 2008).
Recognition and support often come only after significant relationship damage has occurred. Mental health professionals working with South Asian clients emphasise the importance of culturally informed approaches that acknowledge both the universal aspects of narcissistic abuse and its culture-specific manifestations.
Taking the next step: Culturally attuned support
If you recognise these patterns in your family relationships, culturally attuned therapy can provide a path toward healing and recovery. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) approaches that incorporate cultural understanding can be particularly effective for survivors of narcissistic parenting in South Asian contexts.
Breaking free from these damaging relationship patterns requires professional support that honours your cultural background and its richness, without undermining your identity and your cultural values, all while helping you establish healthier boundaries and process complex emotions.
The journey toward healing begins with recognition and continues with compassionate, informed support. For culturally attuned therapy and CBT approaches tailored to South Asian family dynamics, contact us here.
Take the first step toward healing the unique wounds of narcissistic mothering within a South Asian context with therapeutic support that truly understands your cultural background and experiences.
Read more from Roje Khalique
Roje Khalique, Founder of rkTherapy
Roje is a clinical practitioner for a wide range of anxiety disorders and depression. She is dedicated to making quality psychological support accessible to high-achieving professionals in the legal and finance industries in London's high-stakes corporate world. During COVID-19 she recognised a global and increasing need for evidence-based support and developed a Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) online, virtual platform and a mobile app. Designed to fit the demanding schedules of professionals not only in London but across Europe, the US, the Middle East, and Asia.
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Baker, A. J. L. (2007). Adult children of parental alienation syndrome: Breaking the ties that bind. W. W. Norton & Company.
Baker, A. J. L., & Ben-Ami, N. (2011). To turn a child against a parent is to turn a child against himself: The direct and indirect effects of exposure to parental alienation strategies on self-esteem and well-being. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 52(7), 472-489.
Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.
de Canonville, C. L. (2015). The three faces of evil: Unmasking the full spectrum of narcissistic abuse. Black Card Books.
Durvasula, R. (2019). "Don't you know who I am?": How to stay sane in an era of narcissism, entitlement, and incivility. Post Hill Press.
Inman, A. G. (2006). South Asian women: Identities and conflicts. Cultural Diversity and Ethnic Minority Psychology, 12(2), 306-319.
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McBride, K. (2008). Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers. Atria Books.
McBride, K. (2013). Will I ever be free of you? How to navigate a high-conflict divorce from a narcissist and heal your family. Atria Books.
Singh, A. A., & Hays, D. G. (2008). Feminist group counselling with South Asian women who have survived intimate partner violence. The Journal for Specialists in Group Work, 33(1), 84-102.
Streep, P. (2017). Daughter Detox: Recovering from an unloving mother and reclaiming your life. Île D'Éspoir Press.
Tummala-Narra, P. (2013). Psychotherapy with South Asian women: Dilemmas of the immigrant and first generations. Women & Therapy, 36(3-4), 176-197.
van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Viking.
