How to Parent When Your Nervous System is Stuck in Survival Mode

Written by Tracy Ann Messore, Integrative Coach

Tracy Messore is well-known when it comes to trauma recovery and nervous system healing. She is a bachelor's-prepared registered nurse, certified trauma coach, and the founder of Integrative Coaching. Through her specialized courses and integrative approach, Tracy guides trauma survivors to heal and reclaim their authentic identities.

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Parenting is challenging, especially when your own nervous system is stuck in survival mode. In this article, we explore how trauma impacts your parenting style and offer practical strategies to help you regulate your nervous system, heal your wounds, and break generational cycles. By doing the inner work, you can create a nurturing environment that supports both your healing and your child’s well-being.

The moment that broke me open

I'll never forget the day I realized I was parenting from my trauma rather than from my heart. My son, then six years old, accidentally knocked over a glass of juice at breakfast. It was such a small thing. An accident. The kind of thing that happens with young children a hundred times.

But my body didn't experience it as a small thing. My heart started racing. My chest tightened. My shoulders tensed. I felt a surge of panic that was completely disproportionate to spilled drink. And in that moment, I could feel myself starting to respond not as the calm, loving mother I wanted to be, but as someone whose nervous system had just perceived a threat.

I caught myself before I spoke, but barely. And in that pause, I had a devastating realization, my son hadn't done anything wrong, but my body was responding as if he had. My nervous system, still stuck in survival patterns from my own childhood and abusive relationship, couldn't tell the difference between spilled juice and actual danger.

That's when I understood. I couldn't be the parent I wanted to be until I healed my own nervous system. I couldn't give my children the safe, regulated, attuned presence they deserved while I was still living in survival mode.

If you're a parent with a trauma history, you might recognize this painful gap between the parent you want to be and the parent you sometimes become when your nervous system gets triggered. You're not alone. And more importantly, you're not broken, you're just trying to parent with a nervous system that's still protecting you from dangers that have already passed.

When your trauma shows up in your parenting

In my previous articles, I've written about how trauma dysregulates your nervous system and buries your authentic self. But when you become a parent, the stakes feel higher. You're not just trying to heal yourself, you're also trying to raise a child (or children) who won't need the same healing. You're trying to break cycles you may not even fully understand yet.

As a registered nurse who has worked extensively in pediatric and adolescent psychiatric care, I've seen how generational trauma plays out. As a trauma survivor and mother, I've lived it. And as an integrative coach specializing in trauma-informed parenting, I now guide other parents through this challenging terrain.

The triggers you didn't see coming

I thought I understood my triggers. I knew certain tones of voice bothered me. I knew I didn't like conflict. I knew I struggled with criticism. But parenting revealed triggers I didn't even know existed:

• Mess and chaos: For someone who survived by maintaining perfect control, a child's natural messiness can feel threatening. Your nervous system interprets toys on the floor or a disorganized room as danger because chaos once meant you were failing to keep things "safe."

• Normal childhood defiance: When your toddler says "no" for the hundredth time, your nervous system might respond as if you're being challenged by an abuser. Suddenly, you're feeling rage or panic that doesn't match the situation.

• Your child's big emotions: If you grew up having to suppress your emotions or if showing emotion made you vulnerable to abuse, your child's tantrums or tears might trigger your own shutdown response. You might find yourself getting angry at them for crying or completely disconnecting when they're upset.

• Not being able to fix it: If you survived by being helpful, needed, or in control, your child's problems that you can't solve might send you into panic. You might become controlling or hovering because your nervous system can't tolerate the uncertainty.

• Your child's independence: As they grow and need you less, you might feel dysregulated. If being needed was how you felt safe, their healthy moves toward independence might feel like rejection or abandonment.

• Repeating patterns: The most triggering moment of all, when you hear yourself saying or doing something your abuser did to you. When you see your parent's patterns showing up in your own parenting.

The parenting styles born from trauma

Your nervous system state profoundly influences your parenting style. Let me explain this through the lens of the three nervous system states I described in my first article:

Sympathetic parenting (fight-or-flight mode)

When you're stuck in sympathetic activation, you might parent from a place of anxiety, control, or anger:

• Overreacting to small issues

• Micromanaging your children

• Difficulty tolerating your child's mistakes or imperfections

• Quick to anger or frustration

• Constant worry about worst-case scenarios

• Difficulty letting your children take age-appropriate risks

• Feeling like you're always in "emergency mode"

Dorsal vagal parenting (shutdown mode)

When you're in dorsal vagal shutdown, you might parent from a place of disconnection or numbness:

• Difficulty engaging emotionally with your children

• Going through the motions of parenting without really being present

• Feeling overwhelmed by the demands of parenting

• Using screens (for you or them) to check out

• Struggling to find energy for play or connection

• Feeling like you're failing but too exhausted to change

The dysregulated oscillation

Many trauma survivors swing between these states:

• Yelling one moment, completely shut down the next

• Being intrusive and controlling, then completely checked out

• Feeling guilty for being "too much," then guilty for being "not enough"

• Your children never know which version of you they're going to get

This isn't a parenting failure. This is what happens when you're trying to parent from a dysregulated nervous system. Your body is doing exactly what it's designed to do protect you from perceived threats. The problem is, it's responding to ghosts from your past rather than what's actually happening in front of you with your child.

The cost to your children

This is the hardest part to talk about, but it's important: when we parent from our unhealed trauma, our children pay a price. I don't say this to create guilt or shame, you're doing the best you can with a nervous system that's working overtime to keep you safe. But understanding the impact is what motivates us to do the healing work.

Nervous system contagion

Here's something crucial I learned in my training on polyvagal theory: nervous systems influence each other. This is called co-regulation, and it works both ways.

When you're regulated, your child's nervous system can borrow that regulation from you. But when you're dysregulated, your anxiety, anger, or shutdown becomes contagious. Your child's nervous system starts to match yours.

Think about it, if your nervous system is constantly signaling danger (through your tense body, sharp voice, anxious energy, or disconnection), your child's nervous system picks up on that. Even if nothing is objectively wrong, they begin to feel unsafe because your nervous system is telling theirs that there's a threat.

The patterns they learn

Children learn more from what we model than what we say.

• When we parent from our trauma: They learn to suppress their authentic selves. If you can't tolerate their big emotions, they learn that their feelings are too much. If you need them to be perfect, they learn that mistakes are dangerous. If you're unpredictable, they learn to become hypervigilant and people-pleasing.

• They learn your nervous system patterns: Your dysregulation can become their dysregulation. The anxiety you carried from your trauma can become the anxiety they carry into their adulthood.

• They learn relationships are unsafe: If you're sometimes warm and connected, other times angry or shut down, they learn that close relationships are unpredictable and potentially dangerous. They may grow up struggling with secure attachment.

• They inherit your survival strategies: The masks you wore to survive the perfectionism, the people-pleasing, the emotional shutdown can become the masks they wear. Not because you taught them deliberately, but because they absorbed them through living with you.

The generational cycle continues

This is what breaks my heart and also fuels my passion for this work, unhealed trauma doesn't just affect you, it ripples forward to the next generation. Not because you're a bad parent, but because trauma unhealed is trauma transferred. The good news? You can be the one who breaks the cycle. You can be the generation where the healing begins.

What trauma-informed parenting actually means

Trauma-informed parenting doesn't mean you have to be perfect. It doesn't mean you never get triggered or never make mistakes. It means you do three essential things:

1. You acknowledge your triggers

Instead of pretending you're fine or blaming your child for your reactions, you develop awareness: "I'm feeling dysregulated right now. This isn't about my child's behavior, this is my nervous system responding to something from my past."

This doesn't mean you announce your triggers to your four-year-old. It means you recognize them internally so you can respond rather than react.

2. You do your own healing work

This is non-negotiable. You cannot regulate your children if you can't regulate yourself. You cannot teach them it's safe to feel if you're still scared of your own feelings. You cannot model healthy boundaries if you don't have them.

Your healing work might include:

• Therapy that addresses your trauma

• Somatic practices that regulate your nervous system

• Learning about your triggers and patterns

• Developing co-regulation with safe adults in your life

• Building your capacity to tolerate discomfort

This isn't selfish, it's the most generous thing you can do for your children.

3. You repair when you mess up

Here's what makes trauma-informed parenting different from perpetuating trauma, which is repair. When you yell because you're triggered, you come back and repair, "I'm sorry I yelled. That wasn't about what you did. I was feeling overwhelmed, and I didn't handle it well. You didn't deserve that."

When you shut down and disconnect, you come back, "I noticed I wasn't really present earlier. I was dealing with some big feelings. I'm here now. Want to tell me about your day?"

This repair process does something revolutionary, it teaches your children that:

• Mistakes happen and can be fixed

• Feelings are manageable, not catastrophic

• Relationships can handle conflict and disconnection

• They're worth coming back for

• Adults can take responsibility

This is how you break the cycle, not by being perfect, but by being honest, accountable, and committed to doing better.

Practical strategies for parenting from a regulated nervous system

Based on my nursing knowledge, trauma recovery experience, and work with parents, here are concrete strategies:

Before the trigger

Build your baseline regulation

• Start your day with practices that signal safety to your nervous system (deep breathing, gentle movement, time in nature)

• Get enough sleep (I know this is hard with kids, but it's crucial)

• Eat regularly (low blood sugar makes dysregulation worse)

• Have a support system you can reach out to

Know your early warning signs

• Tension in your shoulders or jaw

• Holding your breath or shallow breathing

• Speeding up in your speech or movements

• Feeling irritable or snappy

• Wanting to escape or disconnect

When you notice these, pause before engaging with your children.

During the trigger

The pause practice

When you feel yourself getting triggered:

1. Pause before responding

2. Take three deep breaths

3. Notice: "My nervous system is activated"

4. Ask: "What do I need right now to feel safe enough to respond wisely?"

5. Sometimes the answer is: "I need a minute" (and that's okay to say to your child)

Co-regulation tools

• Place your hand on your heart or belly

• Feel your feet on the ground

• Look around the room and name five things you see (this brings you into present moment)

• Call a regulated friend if you need to

• Remember: "This feeling will pass. I can tolerate this."

The mantra that saves me

"My child is not my enemy. My child is not the person who hurt me. This is my child, and they are safe, and I am safe."

After the trigger

The repair conversation

Even young children benefit from repair. Keep it age-appropriate:

• "I got frustrated and yelled. That wasn't fair to you."

• "Mommy was having big feelings. That's my job to handle, not yours."

• "I'm sorry. You deserve a parent who stays calm. I'm working on that."

Reflection without shame

• What happened?

• What was I actually responding to (past or present)?

• What does my nervous system need to feel safer?

• What can I do differently next time?

• What healing work does this reveal I still need to do?

When you see your parent's patterns in your parenting

This is perhaps the most painful trigger of all, the moment you realize you're doing to your child what was done to you. I've heard myself say things my mother said to me. I've felt my father's anger rise up in my chest. And each time, I felt devastated.

But here's what I've learned: recognizing the pattern is the first step to breaking it. Your parent didn't have the awareness you have. They didn't have access to information about nervous systems, trauma, and healing. They didn't have the language or tools to understand what was happening.

You do. When you notice your parent's patterns showing up in your parenting, you have a choice they didn't have, you can stop, repair, and choose differently. This doesn't erase the harm of what you experienced, but it stops the pattern from continuing.

Creating safety for both you and your children

In my trauma-informed parenting course, one of the most important concepts I teach is this: your child's safety and your safety are interconnected. You can't create a safe environment for them if you don't feel safe yourself.

This means:

• Setting boundaries that protect your nervous system (bedtimes that give you downtime, saying no to commitments that overwhelm you, asking for help)

• Creating household routines that support regulation for everyone (predictable rhythms, transition warnings, calm-down spaces)

• Prioritizing your healing work (it's not selfish, it's essential)

• Building a support system (parenting in isolation is impossibly hard)

• Practicing self-compassion (you're doing something incredibly difficult)

The parent you're becoming

I want you to know that every time you pause instead of reacting, you're rewiring your nervous system. Every time you repair after you mess up, you're teaching your child about healthy relationships. Every time you choose to do your healing work, you're breaking the cycle.

You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be willing to do the work to recognize your triggers, regulate your nervous system, and repair when needed.

Your children don't need you to be perfectly calm and present every moment. They need you to be real, accountable, and committed to healing. They need to see that people can struggle and still choose growth. They need to learn that mistakes can be repaired and patterns can be broken.

You are that parent. The one breaking the cycle. The one doing the hard work. The one creating a different legacy.

What comes next

In my next article, we'll explore how to recognize the subtle and not-so-subtle signs of manipulation and abuse, the red flags I missed in my own relationship, and the ones I now help others identify before they're too deep in. Because part of breaking generational cycles is learning to protect yourself and your children from what you once couldn't name or escape.

Until then, be gentle with yourself. Parenting from a healing nervous system is hard work. But it's the most important work you'll ever do.

Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, and visit my website for more info!

Read more from Tracy Ann Messore

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Tracy Ann Messore, Integrative Coach

Tracy Messore is well-known when it comes to trauma recovery and nervous system healing. She is a bachelor's-prepared registered nurse, certified trauma coach, and the founder of Integrative Coaching. After enduring decades of generational trauma and abuse, Tracy transformed her pain into purpose by combining her nursing expertise with somatic body-based healing and polyvagal theory to help trauma survivors break free from survival mode and rediscover their authentic selves. Through her specialized courses and integrative approach, which addresses the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual dimensions of healing, Tracy guides people through processing stored trauma, regulating their nervous systems, and breaking generational cycles.

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References and further reading:

The concepts in this article are informed by research on attachment, parenting, and trauma:

• Co-regulation and Nervous Systems: Porges, S. W. (2017). The Pocket Guide to the Polyvagal Theory: The Transformative Power of Feeling Safe. W.W. Norton & Company.

• Intergenerational Trauma: Wolynn, M. (2016). It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle. Penguin Books.

• Attachment and Parenting: Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive. TarcherPerigee.

• Trauma-Informed Parenting: van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

• Repair in Parent-Child Relationships: Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Bantam.

Note: This article presents these concepts through the lens of the author's nursing training, personal healing journey, and professional coaching practice. The explanations and applications are the author's own interpretations designed to make complex concepts accessible to trauma survivors.