Stop 'People Pleasing' Create Better Relationships
- Sep 29, 2023
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 5, 2024
Written by: Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, Ph.D., Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
How often do you hear people in business saying things like: “He wants to be liked too much to be a good leader.” This comes from the perception that wanting to be liked gets in the way of making tough decisions or avoiding uncomfortable conversations. While it is true that leaders need to make decisions in service of the whole system they lead, not just for the individuals within them, which means that almost inevitably leaders will sometimes be unpopular, or even disliked.
Therein lies the crux. How can we build tolerance for potentially being disliked, so that we don’t get knocked off course by the opinions of others? Let's start by looking at the impact of fear itself on performance and then move on to what we can do to overcome this frequent human response.
What occurs when we fear being disliked?
Full disclosure: I spent the early years of my life wanting to be liked. As an extrovert, I have what psychologists sometimes refer to as an external reference point. I want other people to see me, recognize me, and tell me I’m meeting their needs.
This is a mixed blessing. It can serve as a great motivator to give my best and stretch myself to do great things. However, it can also trip me into feeling stressed or fear of not giving enough, which is never a good starting point.
The truth is that, unless we are in very real, life-threatening danger, fear will hold us back for many reasons. To start with, it can trigger what is known as an amygdala hijack. That is when our fight, flight, freeze response is activated and we start reacting in survival mode rather than working from a proactive place. Fear jangles our nervous system and releases our stress hormones.
Furthermore, when we are coming from a place of fear, the voice of our inner critic dials up, making us compare, worry, and judge ourselves harshly. Feeling fearful distracts us from getting on with the job in hand, and simply stops us being available to give our best in the present moment.
If you want to start changing any habits or patterns of behavior, it can help to get really good at noticing how you react to things so that you can then pause to reflect and make a conscious choice to reset differently. Noticing when you feel fearful is key—whether it is feeling physically jangled or that inner critic gets really loud—because then you can start to practice how you might respond differently.
How to overcome the fear of being disliked
At heart, the antidote to fearing others disliking you is to build a stronger inner sense that who you are and what you give to the world is enough. There is a real need to develop your own inner compass, based on what you think about who you are and what you do. This can give you a state of calm, safe in the knowledge that you have enough to be and do what is required of you.
Building your inner state of being enough starts with checking in on your mindset. The fear of being disliked puts us into a mindset of scarcity where we fear that we lack something, or that others will judge us harshly. We want to move instead to a mindset of being enough. This is where we accept ourselves for all our flaws and talents and stop looking to others for approval. We become our own point of reference rather than giving this job to others.
Developing an “enough mindset” moves you away from the fear of not belonging toward a state of self-acceptance. It is a mindset rooted in the belief that we have all that we need. Sure, we can change and grow, but the starting point is well grounded in self-belief. Instead of fearing the opinion of others, you build up your own sense of knowing who you are and who you want to be in the world.
It is imperative to become clear on your values as a way of reminding yourself of your own true worth. This can be such a powerful antidote to the judgment of others.
Another powerful practice is turning your focus away from what others think and toward gratitude and appreciation for what you bring to the world. A gratitude practice is a simple way of moving your critical inner voice out of the way and honing in on the positives. In doing so, you are staying present in the moment, and triggering hormones like oxytocin and dopamine, which also aid performance.
An appreciation practice is a great tool for offering yourself another avenue to that inner critic and inviting a voice that reminds you of what you do well, rather than what you lack. Again, this will move you away from the fear response that is so unhelpful to how we show up.
So the next time you find yourself fearing what others think, notice what it feels like, take a moment to pause, and choose to reset your focus on what you believe yourself to be. Breathe in and appreciate one thing in the present moment. Over time, this will soften the grip of the fear of being disliked and help you to build your sense that you are enough. And there’s no holding you back from there.
Letting go of pleasing people might take time and focus. Here are some ways to support yourself during your transition from pleasing people to setting a boundary.
Write an empowering note to yourself and place it somewhere you can see it often — on the bathroom mirror, as a background image on your phone — give yourself an act as a mini pep talk throughout each day.
I have the right to say, No.
“No” is a complete sentence.
A “No” to others is a “Yes” to me.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
I don’t need to explain myself to anyone.
I’m the owner of my time and energy.
Overcoming people-pleasing is hard work. Many people wouldn’t be willing to do the work and get uncomfortable — notice you have the strength and courage to do it.
Take time you set the appropriate boundary, celebrate your wins with a high-five with yourself, a pat on the back, or a big smile and congratulations, "You did it".
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Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, Ph.D., Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, Ph.D. is a successful influencer in the public and private sectors, as a consultant, coach, and keynote speaker. She has 30 plus years of global experience in leadership development, behavioral change, and enhancing human potential ‒ i.e. you can achieve more than you think. Dr. Dorothy is passionate about developing great leaders. She works with senior and emerging executives to amplify their leadership skills and drive viable/sustainable organizations with relevant, adaptable, centered, and authentic skills. Her areas of expertise are:
Leadership/Sales Development
Behavioral Change
Business Strategy
Communication Skills
Diversity Coaching
C-Suite, Senior, and High Potential
