The Not So Virtuous People Pleaser
Updated: May 27, 2022
Written by: Sharleen Beaumont, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Are you a people pleaser, or do you know someone who is? People pleasing is common.
The traditional view of a people pleaser is someone easygoing, meek yet virtuous. They put the needs of others before their own to keep the peace and are agreeable.
People pleasers can be CEOs, health care professionals, and teachers and come from all walks of life, believing if I do more, I will be more!
Melody Beattie described people pleasing as a behaviour we may have adapted to survive in our family. We may not have been able to get the love and attention we deserved. Nobody taught us to please ourselves, trust ourselves, and choose a course of action that demonstrated self-trust. People-pleasing can be overt or covert. We may run around fussing over others, chattering a mile-a-minute rather than say, "I hope I'm pleasing you." Or, we may be more covert, quietly going through life and making important decisions based on pleasing others.
People pleasing can come from low self-esteem to have people like us. People pleasing is not healthy for ourselves and our relationships. It is inauthentic, leading others to believe we are someone we are not. In this role, so much energy is exerted on others that people pleasers don't have the power to work on themselves and their own goals. This behaviour is a disservice to ourselves and others.
People pleasing is not virtuous, although society may have us believe it is. When we people please, we say our needs don't matter. We disconnect from who we are. People pleasing is neither kind nor honest. Continuing down this path can also lead to burnout. We go, and we give away to others without refilling our tank. We have learned that persevering, forging through and suppressing our emotions and needs will create forward momentum. In reality, it keeps us stuck. We are left feeling irritated, fearful and stressed!
When we people please, we abandon our true selves, which lessens the connections we can have with others. If we want genuine and valuable connections with others, we need to start with the most important relationship we will ever have; with ourselves.
What can we do to get out of our people-pleasing ways?
I believe the answer is strengthening our trust muscles. We do this by learning to trust ourselves. All relationships are built on and involve trust. Trust shows up when we confidently treat ourselves well. Additionally, we make good decisions based on what is good for us and our well-being. We put this above pleasing others.
Know your worth today, just as you are. You are not on a sales rack, or worse, covered in dust and dirt on the floor of the sales rack. Remember, nobody can take away your self-worth. Remind yourself you are worthy because you are here!
Another way we can trust ourselves is when we understand, articulate, and process our emotions. Processing emotions allows us to trust that we can overcome what is before us. We do this when we reflect on when we crushed a similar obstacle. We attach emotions to past stories, and if there is no resolve, they can bring us down. It is up to us to recall how we grew or were better for an experience by creating a new story or action plan. Our positive actions breed more self-trust.
We often stay stuck in our failures for hours, weeks, months and years. When we win, we may have a short celebration, yet we tend to quickly move on to the next thing on our list of 'to dos' or accomplish. To build self-trust, we need to take the time to acknowledge our wins!
We can also build our confidence and trust in ourselves when we don't let outside influences take us down. We are not dependent on anything external to us for our happiness and well-being. We trust we can create happiness within us no matter what. Yes, we are human, and this one takes self-awareness, choice and being in a place of empowerment.
We are not responsible for other people's emotions, and it's ok to upset others and for someone to be angry with us.
In letting go of the belief we can control the emotions of others, we allow the individual the opportunity to create their happiness.
People pleasers should be on the lookout for how they are showing up! Learning to say no or take a step back before responding is crucial. Continual self-care is essential, and recognizing when you are not being honest with yourself.
For forward momentum, become aware of why you are continuing down the people-pleasing path and how to make decisions from a place of empowerment that leaves you feeling like you have more energy, are happier and more yourself!
Sharleen Beaumont, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sharleen Beaumont is an EQ Master Empowerment Coach and Founder of Brave New Ending.
She helps clients get unstuck from their stories and manage their emotions. Her clients re-imagine their life, connect with their highest self utilizing the foundation of all change; emotions!
After graduating from University, Sharleen's career began in Victim Services. She then became a Certified Mediator, and Mediated for her Community and Courts. Her career moved to Corporate Communications and Consulting, working globally. Next, she stepped into an Entrepreneurial life, helping take a new company to the multi-million dollar level. Deciding to live life on purpose, she received her Master Empowerment Coach certification and started Brave New Ending.
Brave- a strength of character, courageous, faces fear, determined, passionate, on purpose.
New Ending-keeps the end goal in mind to write their next chapter and life story.
