When Sexuality Gets Repressed, So Does the Body and the Mind

Written by Andrew James Brookman, Writer / Author

Andrew Brookman is an Author of many books, many of them in the LGBTQ genre. Andrew has just released his memoir, Colours of a Rare Bird, about his life as a closeted Homosexual, published by Merlinus Publishers.

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I came from a Dysfunctional Family. My parents got divorced when I was very young, and my dad had joint custody of his three children. I can remember being a very emotional child, crying a lot, and always feeling isolated. I always had this aura of reserve about me, as if I could not connect to anybody at an emotional level. As I grew into a teenager, my life got worse, and so did my isolation. Acne, panic attacks, anxiety, and social awkwardness. The conclusion was seeing a child psychologist and better communication with my parents, but by this point, at fourteen years of age, communication had already broken down between myself and my parents.

Then came the big one: at fifteen years of age, I had feelings for my friend, who was also the head boy at my school. I always knew I was different from the other boys in school, but I fancied the same sex as me. I was drawn to the same sex, and this was in 1995, when the only gay person I knew personally was my mother’s friend, who had just come out as gay and had children. His life had become a nightmare in our small community, and I did not want to go through the same nightmare he did. Life with my mother was getting worse; we were just not getting along, so at sixteen, I went to live with my dad.

My dad was a man’s man, a manager of a factory, and like any red-blooded male, he loved his women and his booze. Now, I had two choices to make: should I tell my dad that I am gay, or should I keep that part of myself hidden? Yes, I kept it hidden, but little did I think that the repression on my mind and body would have severe consequences for me because I was hiding my natural progression as a human being with human needs. After suppressing my needs, it became a life I got used to, and I played it safe. But here are some things that suppression did to me overall.

I lost my identity, I lost out on fun, I turned very mature for my years, I lived in fear, I pretended to like girls, I had a grudge against the gay community, I isolated myself from friends, bonding, and sex, and became a forty-seven-year-old virgin. I undertook cleaning work to pay my bills, and I became a people pleaser. I lost my inhibitions to do something I wanted to do in the world of work, I was a target for bullies everywhere I worked, I thought everybody was better than me, I felt worthless and empty, and overall, I was alone.

I turned my life around as best I could. I went to see my doctor, had counseling, and went on antidepressants. I joined LGBT groups in universities and an LGBT excellence center, went into private cognitive therapy for three years, and had hypnotherapy. I found a hidden talent in myself, which was writing. So, I wrote, and I wrote, and I put my life into stories, which was a lifesaver for me. I came out this year through the press, through a hit television show called Virgin Island, because I am a forty-seven-year-old virgin. I told the world that I was gay. I was free of my inner demons at last. I never thought this would happen, and I never thought I would come out of the closet, but I did. It just happened later in life, and now, when I am out walking or shopping, it will suddenly hit me that I am openly gay. I always get butterflies in my stomach because the courage was always there to do it. I just needed to find it within me.

My memoir, Colours of a Rare Bird, is published by Merlinus Publishers, and you can buy your copy here.

Visit my website for more info!

Read more from Andrew James Brookman

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Andrew James Brookman, Writer / Author

Andrew Brookman is a talented writer who writes many genres, from Horror to murder Mystery to writing for children. Andrew Brookman just loves writing stories. His favourite genre is LGBTQ writing, both fiction and non-fiction stories for the LGBTQ community. Andrew is now focused on helping people who may have challenges with their sexuality, like he once did.