Childhood Trauma, Adult Graves
- Brainz Magazine
- 8 hours ago
- 5 min read
Written by John Comerford, Author/Motivational Speaker
John Comerford is the author of Tarzan Loves Jane and Battle Armour (25 Tools for Men's Mental Health). John is also one of the authors of the number one Amazon best-selling book series, "Start Over."
At eleven years old, I suffered the unthinkable. I was raped alone inside an empty church that stole my innocence and left me trapped in a world of silence for forty years. For decades, I battled invisible injuries, confusion, self-blame, anger, and ultimately, suicide attempts that reflected a desperate urge to escape. For years, the trauma dictated every aspect of my life, but I didn’t see it for what it was. Only when I found the courage and conviction to speak up did I realise this, the pain, the secrecy, the relentless feeling of being “different” were not signs of weakness or brokenness. They were the all-too-normal consequences for a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. Speaking up, I discovered, was the key to understanding, and finally, to healing.
The hidden epidemic
For too many men, the pain of childhood sexual abuse (CSA) is never acknowledged, let alone spoken of. Globally, more than 1 in 13 boys are sexually abused before 18, yet the repercussions for male survivors, especially suicide, are only starting to gain public attention. Behind closed doors, beneath the expected mask of masculinity, countless men hide wounds that shape their every thought and action.
Society rarely grants boys the language to understand their trauma, let alone permission to express it. From an early age, boys are taught to be “tough,” to conceal emotion, and never to show weakness. As a result, when boys who are abused grow into men, they remain silent, sometimes for decades. I know this silence intimately. I know how it becomes a kind of prison, reinforcing shame and isolating survivors from help or understanding. When men finally do break their silence, they are often met with disbelief, minimisation, or questions about their Masculinity. This silence breeds despair, it lays the conditions for hopelessness and, in far too many cases, suicide.
Hard-hitting research underlines the gravity of the link between CSA and male suicide. In a major study of men with histories of childhood sexual abuse, fully 36.8% reported suicide attempts, compared to less than 5% of men in the general population, and nearly two-thirds described suicidal thoughts at some point in their lives. The risk of suicide attempt for a man who survived CSA is at least four to eleven times higher than for those who were not abused. Even more heartbreakingly, the likelihood escalates with the severity and duration of abuse, a man who was repeatedly assaulted, especially with physical force, faces even greater danger.
Why is the risk so high?
Shame and self-blame
CSA attacks not just the body but the very core of self-worth. Many males internalise blame, believing they could have, or should have, prevented the abuse. Society’s confusion around male victimisation breeds toxic myths, that “real men” can’t be victims, or that boys should have fought back. These lies gnaw at survivors, magnifying shame and trapping them in silence.
Hidden depression and PTSD
Most male CSA survivors battle mental health conditions, major depression, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and anxiety disorders at rates much higher than other men. The relentless, cyclical pain of trauma and depression saps the will to live. Nightmares, flashbacks, emotional numbness, and guilt become daily realities, and for some, unbearable weights. Research shows that every significant depressive symptom a survivor reports increases the likelihood of a suicide attempt by 71%.
The peril of masculinity
Traditional views of Masculinity, emphasizing stoicism, self-reliance, and emotional control, are deadly in this context. Studies confirm that strict adherence to masculine norms more than doubles the odds of a suicide attempt among survivors. Men who most embody these beliefs are least likely to seek help and most likely to escalate toward crisis, unseen by family, friends, or professionals.
Isolation
Many men live in self-imposed exile, believing their feelings, reactions, and sense of brokenness set them apart. They may lack social support due to damaged trust, withdrawal, or fear of exposure. Loneliness, research shows, is a major predictor of suicidality in this population.
Survivor voices: Confessions from the edge
Men who have walked through the hell of CSA and suicidality often recount a relentless struggle against invisibility. One survivor captured the reality, “Every aspect of my life, my relationships, my self-worth, my path through the world was shaped by abuse I never got to talk about. Shame kept me silent. Silence made me want to disappear.”
Many sought to escape in drugs, alcohol, or extreme risk-taking, perpetuating cycles of isolation and self-destruction. Some attempted suicide, searching for a release from pain they feared would never be understood.
When stories are shared, a new pattern emerges, recognition that survivors are not alone, and that their pain is a logical response to unthinkable circumstances. Speaking up is not just catharsis, it is a lifeline.
Not hopeless: Pathways toward healing from trauma
Though the statistics are harrowing, hope is real. Recovery is possible when survivors find support tailored to their needs.
Trauma-Informed Therapy: Behavioral therapies such as EMDR and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, delivered by practitioners who understand male survivors, are evidence-based lifelines for many.
Peer Support: Survivor-led groups, both in-person and online, build solidarity and normalize difficult emotions, lifting the sense of being “the only one.”
Destigmatizing Masculinity: Campaigns and content that challenge outdated standards of maleness open the door for vulnerability and honest healing. One powerful truth, every survivor who speaks up, who tells their story, breaks another brick in the wall of shame that kills.
Systemic failures and needed change
Men are failed not just by individuals, but by structures. Few psychologists, doctors, or first responders receive training to ask about or respond effectively to male CSA. Legal and public health systems too often minimize the reality of male victimization, compounding shame and blocking help. Progress is being made, new protocols in trauma centers, improved police response, broader access to male-centered mental health resources, and growing advocacy by survivors themselves. But Change is too slow for those in crisis now.
From darkness to hope
My own journey is proof of both the torment of silence and the liberation of speaking up. Telling my story, first to myself, then to others, flipped the script. I was not broken, but a survivor, not “less of a man,” but a testament to human resilience.
Healing does not erase scars, but it transforms them from silent wounds to lessons shared, saving lives. Every man who steps forward makes the impossible possible for those still trapped in shame. Every story told chips away at the conditions that make suicide an end point for far too many.
CSA is a catastrophic betrayal whose impact cascades through decades, sometimes ending in suicide. Male survivors are especially vulnerable, not because they are weak, but because society keeps them silent and unseen. The cost, measured in lost lives and shattered families, is incalculable.
The evidence is devastating, but the message can be transformative. You are not alone, you are not broken, and your willingness to speak, or even just survive another day, is both ordinary and heroic. The shame is never yours to carry. Healing is possible, and your story could be the one that saves someone else.
Silent wounds can heal, but only in the light. Let’s bring them there together.
Read more from John Comerford
John Comerford, Author/Motivational Speaker
John Comerford is a leading advocate for men’s mental health and trauma recovery. A survivor of childhood sexual assault, he endured four decades of silence before, after a suicide attempt, beginning the hard work of confronting his past and rebuilding his life. He shares his story in “Tarzan Loves Jane,” a dark romantic comedy based on his experience, and created “Battle Armour: 25 Tools for Men’s Mental Health” to equip other men with practical support. Today he speaks, writes, and leads with one message: speak up, his mission is that no man suffers in silence.
