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Desire In Long-Term Relationships – Where Does Passion Go?

Written by: Amanda & John, Executive Contributor

Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.


Couples at any age and especially in long-term relationships, lose spontaneous desire, what some call ‘feeling Horny!’ The in-lust feeling goes, ebbs, and wanes around 6 to 18 months.

Couple making love.

This happens to 25% of men and 75% of women. In fact, the average frequency of sex for a happy couple in a loving, stable relationship is once a week.

Yep, once a week is normal for you happy, loved-up couples!

We move from spontaneous desire (‘I want you all the time,) to being flirty and teasing each other for sex to moving to our hearts and head.

We become less responsive, so we need emotional stimulation for connection and sex: warm words, deep caring, and fondness-filled interactions spark our desire. We’re not going to want to have sex with our partner when we just had a big and hurtful argument!

When our partner emotionally stimulates us in a positive way, we’re ready to respond with desire.

When I refer to sex, I mean all our sexuality, such as our body language, our touch, holding hands, a kiss, cuddling, and of course, foreplay and intercourse. To keep desire consistent in our relationships, we must commit and choose sexuality, knowing we feel good about it and experience pleasure from it.

It’s a conscious effort to choose sexuality.

We like using a gym metaphor to explain this.

For most, it takes quite an effort to keep going to the gym. Most of us are apprehensive about getting up early and exercising before our day. It’s not easy to commit, let alone be consistent.

We start negotiating the 5 am alarm, but we push through the urge to stay in bed. Once we’re in our gym gear, there's no turning back. When we get to the gym and go through our workout, we feel great!

We tell ourselves, ‘That workout feels good, I feel energised, wow, that was great. I’ve got to do this again tomorrow, and I love it.’!

Ok, so tomorrow comes, and our alarm goes off. It’s 5 am. Are you going to spring out of bed? No. Even though you love it! We don’t have a spontaneous desire to go to the gym, even though we know once we’re there doing our workout, we will feel awesome.

Focusing on pleasure, for pleasure's sake, is fantastic, rather than focusing on an orgasm. It truly is about the journey and not about the destination. This approach takes the pressure off us. However, there’s an area of pleasure for women that are not being taken advantage of enough.

Did you know that 75% of women cannot orgasm without clitoral stimulation, therefore, women need to include their clitoris, with or without intercourse, for an orgasm. So, for all the women out there who thought you were broken… it’s normal, more normal than you think. Women are blessed with an organ that is way more than a ‘little bean with a hood.’ It’s much larger than you thought, and the clitoris itself is designed purely for pleasure only, so why miss out on all that potential?

According to the World Health Organisation, sexual health is a human right. Giving up on sex is giving up on pleasure. It hurts us, it hurts our relationships, and it can hurt us physically. Research shows that couples who engage in regular sex are healthier, live longer, look better, feel better, and have better relationships overall.

So, you don't want to give up on that!

When our sex life becomes boring, this is not a sign it's over. It’s boring because we’re ignoring that our desires and interests are changing. Our sexuality is ever-evolving. It changes. It’s a sign we need variety, a new beginning, a time to explore new ways of pleasure. What feels good at one time may not feel good at another time. Desire can sometimes be high, and at other times not so much.

As couples, we need to talk about what turns us on and what we would like to explore. We don’t really know what we do and don’t like it until we give it a try.

Bring a healthy curiosity to your sexuality as an individual first, then as a couple, with no judgement.

Remember, trust is very important for each partner to feel safe to explore their desires.

Rekindle your passion and make your new mantra, “All desire for pleasure is welcome here, my love!”

Visit my website for more info!


Amanda & John, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine

Amanda & John are known as 'The Couple Whisperers' and, as a couple themselves, know what it takes to maintain emotional connection, no matter what's happening in life. As coaches in their own right, Amanda & John decided to combine their skills to help couples reconnect, tune up their relationship and deepen their connection. Having delivered face-to-face workshops, webinars, 1:1 couple coaching, and as podcast guests, their approach of warmth, understanding, and empathy set them apart. Their mantra is 'Love Your Relationship', and if you don't know how they can show you the way!



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