The Weight Of Silence – A Journey Through Fear And Healing
- Brainz Magazine
- Sep 2, 2024
- 4 min read
Written by: Jessica Taggart, Somatic Movement Healer
Jessica Taggart is a certified Somatic Activated Healing™ coach, spiritual dance teacher, sound healer, and restorative yoga teacher.
I guess shutting down has been my coping mechanism for as long as I can remember. It’s like a reflex, an automatic response to the overwhelming chaos of feelings that life throws at me. I’ve always known there was an elephant in the room, that big, undeniable presence of pain and trauma, but I was too scared to confront it. Too afraid to look it in the face or even acknowledge its existence.
Over time, life turned me into a runner. Whenever anything or anyone hurt me, my instinct was to pretend nothing was happening. I convinced myself that if I just let time take its course, the issues would resolve themselves or simply fade away. But they never did. Instead, they only grew worse. That elephant, which once lingered quietly in the background, became a weight I carried on my shoulders day and night until I finally broke down and ran away yet again, another coping mechanism I’d adopted to escape the reality I feared.
Why is it so hard to face the issues? Why do I find myself shutting down, speechless and frozen, unable to articulate what I feel? It’s as if reality becomes too painful to bear, leading me to create this mental barrier that numbs my senses. I can’t find the words because I can’t feel anything. It’s a strange, cruel irony: in trying to protect myself, I’ve broken my own spirit.
I’m exhausted from being me. I’ve tried so hard to keep a brave face when small issues arise, but when the heavy load comes crashing down, I feel like a coward. I’ve drawn in my own drama, and that elephant has gotten way too heavy. I’m crushed under its weight, and the world constantly reminds me of how messed up my choices have been, and how weak my character seems. So, I hide deep inside and cry in silence, feeling utterly alone.
Recently, I began to uncover where this pattern was born. It traces back to a traumatic experience when I was just five years old. A memory so painful I had to block it out for my own sake. I remember being punished mercilessly for being a “bad girl,” and in that moment, I lost my mother’s love. I had revealed her affairs, shattering her world, and in turn, I carried the guilt of that moment for my entire life. The emptiness of not being able to count on her became a heavy burden.
My mother, caught in the chaos of her own life, had to hide her true desires to keep her marriage afloat. I was left feeling lost without her, torn between love and hatred. It’s a confusing emotional landscape that left deep scars on my soul. She remained in pain for as long as my father, the abuser, was alive, and I felt trapped in the middle of a storm I couldn’t control.
Always afraid of losing the love of those closest to me, I subjected myself to misery. I took the world’s punches like a defeated champion, bracing myself for the next blow, all while pretending it never happened. What irony it is to be so afraid of pain that I willingly open myself to more of it.
As a parent, this fear morphed into a reluctance to practice any form of discipline. I thought that if I set boundaries, my children would love me less or leave me, just as I felt abandoned. Now, I’m paying the consequences of every choice I’ve made, and it weighs so heavily on me. I can no longer hide from it.
Facing the truth hurts. It’s painful to confront the realities of my past and to acknowledge the patterns that have shaped my life. But I know I must do it. The time has come to confront that elephant in the room, to dismantle the walls I’ve built around myself, and to embrace vulnerability. I am learning that asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s an act of courage.
As I embark on this journey toward healing, I remind myself that it’s okay to feel. It’s okay to express my pain and fear, to acknowledge the weight of the elephant I’ve carried for so long. Healing is a process, one that requires patience and self-compassion.
I hope that by sharing my story, others may find the courage to confront their own elephants. We are not alone in this struggle, and there is strength in vulnerability. It’s time to lift the weight of the past, to face the pain, and to create a future where love, acceptance, and healing can flourish. It’s time to stop running and to finally confront the truth.
Jessica Taggart, Somatic Movement Healer
Jessica Taggart has emerged as a creator, a solution-finder, and a dream-weaver. Through her signature practice — the SpiRITUAL Workout. She has crafted a transformative experience that combines somatic moves, dynamic meditations, and restorative yoga. Jessica's journey towards self-discovery and empowerment goes beyond her practice. Her mission and purpose are driven by her commitment to her own healing journey.
