The Shadow of Expecting Nothing and Reclaiming Worth in Love After Trauma
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 9
- 6 min read
Updated: Jun 25
Therese Lyander is a Transformational Coach within Holistic Health and Mindset. Through her program Finally Free, she helps women reconnect with their inner Genius by combining Human Design with holistic health practices. She guides them in releasing trauma, finding balance, and creating a life that feels true—on their own terms.
Many of us are taught that expecting nothing from love is a sign of strength, detachment, or even spiritual enlightenment. But what happens when that belief collides with the lived reality of someone whose understanding of love has been shaped by trauma?
What can you expect from love?
I once asked a teacher of mine, a respected figure in health, detoxification, and spirituality, this very question. His answer was simple and firm:
“Nothing.”
At the time, I nodded. On a surface level, it made sense, if we have no expectations, we can only be pleasantly surprised. But something inside me resisted. I did not say more in that moment, but what he did not know was that I asked this question as a woman who had lived through rape, physical abuse, and emotional manipulation.
And that changes everything.
When spiritual teachings miss the trauma lens
To expect nothing from love might sound enlightened. Detached. Even wise. But for trauma survivors, this mindset is not liberating. It is re-traumatizing.
I did not expand on my question that day because I could feel how deeply his answer reflected the world he lived in, a world very different from mine, where love had been entangled with control, violation, or survival.
I left his training before it was over. Not because it lacked value; on the contrary, it was excellent. But because I realized I no longer needed it. I had outgrown it. I had made myself smaller for far too long, hoping that another course, another teacher, another framework would finally make me feel qualified.
But what I really needed was to honor my own perspective, one that no other guru or teacher could offer, because it is mine alone.
What love must include
So what should we expect from love?
At the very least:
To be treated with fairness
To be seen and accepted for who we are
To at least have our basic needs met
To remain free human beings
It may sound obvious, but it is not. Many of us, especially women, have been conditioned to accept far less in the name of love.
For years, I believed that if someone said they loved me, it was enough, even if they hurt me. Even if they controlled me. Even if they dictated what I wore, who I spoke to, when I was allowed to rest, or whether I was “available” for sex.
I stayed, I performed, and I expected nothing.
Because somewhere deep inside, I believed that was all I was worth.
The feminine shadow: Unworthiness
In my work with clients and in countless women’s circles I’ve participated in, one thing shows up again and again: unworthiness.
So many women expect nothing from love, not out of empowerment, but out of survival. We have internalized the belief that love must be earned, that being ourselves is too much, too messy, too inconvenient.
And this is not just a women’s issue. This is a deep shadow of the feminine, alive in people of all genders.
Let me share a personal example. My former partner expected all of his needs to be met, regardless of how that impacted me. To him, this was natural, so natural, in fact, that he pushed those expectations to the extreme.
In response, I shrank. I contorted myself. I gave everything and expected nothing. My unconscious mind believed I had to perform to be worthy of love. Simply existing as myself could never be enough. So I agreed to everything he expected of me, without checking in with myself if this was actually what I wanted. My nervous system was deeply wired at the time to abandon myself in order to be worthy of love.
Years later, after sharing my story with friends, family, and going through trauma therapy, it was clear that what I had normalized in my life as “what to expect from love” involved actual crimes. This was a very painful realisation for me, as you can imagine.
But the worst of all is that this is a common foundation for women in relationships. Actually, the home is the most dangerous place for women to be, as the majority of female homicides occur in domestic settings. Approximately 1 in 3 women worldwide, about 736 million, have experienced physical and/or sexual violence in their lifetime, predominantly by intimate partners.
This needs to change. But the question is, how?
Well, how it changed for me was when I dared to speak up about it, to be honest and vulnerable about it. We all have to have an open discussion about what our subconscious beliefs are around love. To be able to do that, we need to take a deep look at ourselves.
How we define love.
What we expect from love.
How we receive love.
Receiving true love has, at least for me, been the hardest part. This is due to carrying the unconscious belief that I am not worthy.
Changing this dynamic is actually possible, and every human being on this Earth is capable of doing just that. All you need is the right tools, guidance, support, and awareness to pull through. But most of all, we need time and space to heal.
The radical power of being enough
Here is the truth:
Being enough just by existing is a radical act.
Before I found Human Design, I would not have even dared to entertain that thought. Being myself felt unsafe.
It felt dangerous.
My mind had one job: protect me. And to be loved, I believed I had to perform, adapt, and disappear to earn love.
Now, I see this pattern everywhere, in the women I coach, in the circles I participate in. The belief that we must do in order to deserve love, and the heartbreaking expectation of nothing in return.
But this strategy will never lead to real love.
Because real love includes fairness, stability, visibility, nourishment, and freedom.
Rewriting the love contract
Think about a newborn child. Would we ever suggest that they should expect “nothing” from love?
Of course not.
A baby does not expect with words, but they trust, with every fiber of their being, that their caregivers will meet their needs. That they’ll be nourished, held, and loved.
Their life depends on it.
Love is our true nourishment.
If your experience of love does not nourish you, it might be time to ask:
Is it truly love?
A baby or a child cannot change their situation. They have to adapt to survive, regardless of the situation. The human instinct of wanting to stay alive is unimaginably strong. Thank Goddess for that. But when we are grown-up adults, our job is to get out of survival mode. Because now, we are capable. As children, we did not have a choice, but now we do. As scary as it may seem to go against our survival patterns, it is what we have to do to change the course and direction of where humanity is heading.
We need to say no to what is not enough. We need to say no to what does not define as actual, true love.
Sometimes, the most loving thing we can do is to let go of what we once called love, so we can create space for the real thing.
A final word
We are not at a point, collectively, where it is safe or wise to expect nothing from love. We are still learning what love truly is.
And for many of us, the first step is reclaiming the right to expect more.
So if you have ever felt like just being yourself is not enough, I am here to remind you:
You do not have to earn love.
You do not have to shrink for love
You are worthy of being seen, nourished, and free, exactly as you are.
Read more from Therese Lyander
Therese Lyander, Transformational Holistic Health & Mindset Coach
Therese Lyander is a pioneer within Holistic Health and Mindset Coaching, with a passion for awakening the inner Genius in every woman. She guides women who have lost touch with their power, purpose, or zest for life—not by focusing on what's “wrong,” but by helping them return to the wisdom of the body and the clarity of the soul.
After more than a decade of struggling with physical and mental health challenges, she found her own path to healing through detox, fasting, trauma healing, and Human Design. Today, she shares that journey with others—not just to help them function again, but to live freely, truthfully, and in alignment with who they really are.
