The Invisible Prison of Abusive Relationships and How to Become a Powerful Ally
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 13
- 5 min read
Amanda Youssef is an experienced Registered Psychotherapist and Canadian Certified Counsellor. She is the founder and Executive Director of Valley Connections Counselling, a multidisciplinary mental health clinic, and fosters connection as the co-host of "The Sound of Loneliness Podcast."
As a psychotherapist with 16 years of experience, I’ve heard one question about abusive relationships more than any other: “Why don’t they just leave?” This question, while often well-intentioned, is rooted in a profound misunderstanding of what abuse truly is. We imagine isolated incidents of violence, but the reality is far more insidious. True abuse isn’t about a single act; it's about relational control. It is a calculated system designed to entrap.
Think of it as an invisible prison, built brick by brick over time. The abuser’s goal is to systematically erode their victim's freedom, autonomy, and ability to resist. To truly help, we must stop asking why someone doesn't leave the prison and start recognizing its architecture.
The architecture of control: The four pillars of the invisible prison
At the heart of every abusive relationship is a severe power imbalance. This is not a partnership; it's a domination. Abusers, often charismatic and well-respected figures in the public realm, use a specific toolkit to construct this prison.
Let's look at Maria and Seth. He is a lauded college professor; she is a brilliant and capable social worker. To the world, they are a power couple. But behind closed doors, Seth has spent a decade perfecting his control over Maria, using these four pillars:
Establishing dominance
This is where the abuser sets all the rules. For Maria, this means Seth’s "need for space" dictates that she carries the entire weight of their finances, childcare, and household, all while he stays up until 3 a.m. on social media. When she attempts to discuss the inequity, he stonewalls her, reminding her that his lack of sleep makes him a "hateful person," a veiled threat she knows all too well.
Eroding autonomy
The abuser systematically undermines the victim's self-worth and isolates them. Seth masterfully accomplished this by moving Maria hundreds of miles from her family, enveloping her in his social circle, and then weaponizing her past struggles with postpartum depression. He now tells her she's "mentally unstable" and has "lost touch with reality," a classic gaslighting technique designed to make her doubt her own perceptions.
Creating dependence
The abuser ensures the victim feels they have no other options. Seth has engineered complete financial dependence, with all bills coming from Maria's account. He reinforces her emotional dependence with rare, short-lived moments of kindness a "honeymoon phase" that give her a sliver of hope to cling to. He then solidifies her entrapment by threatening to take the children and sue her for support if she leaves, painting a picture of a desolate, lonely future.
Maintaining control
The abuser constantly adapts to maintain their power. Seth uses tactics from overt humiliation, like removing Maria’s dinner plate in front of guests, to subtle manipulation in couples therapy, where his calm, rational demeanour wins the therapist's approval, leaving Maria to look like the volatile one. Every action is a calculated move to keep her in line.
The escape paradox: Why leaving is the most dangerous moment
For those trapped in this prison, the act of walking out the door can trigger the most perilous period of the entire relationship. When a survivor challenges the abuser’s power by leaving, the abuser will often escalate their tactics dramatically to regain control.
The night Maria finally summons the courage to say, "I'm leaving," Seth's charming professor persona vanishes. He blocks the door, his eyes glinting with menace. "You are not going anywhere," he hisses. "If you walk out that door, I will make sure you have nothing. I will tell everyone you’re an unstable, unfit mother. You will never see your kids again." The threat is no longer theoretical; it is a violent, immediate promise of annihilation.
The seven-attempt reality: The psychology of breaking free
It takes a survivor, on average, seven attempts to permanently leave an abusive relationship. This isn't a sign of weakness; it is a testament to the powerful psychological anchors of the prison.
Maria tried to leave six times. Each attempt was thwarted by Seth’s masterful manipulation. He would cycle through promises of change, threats of self-harm, and using their children as emotional pawns. Each return wasn't a failure, but a calculated retreat from an overwhelming battle, fueled by the complex trauma bond and the shred of hope that he might one day become the man he pretended to be.
The aftershock: When the abuse continues after the relationship ends
Leaving doesn't automatically mean freedom. The abuser’s desire for control doesn't vanish; it simply metastasizes. This is known as post-separation abuse.
After Maria finally escapes for good, Seth’s abuse evolves. He weaponizes the legal system, dragging her through endless custody battles to drain her finances. He uses co-parenting as a tool for harassment. He launches a smear campaign among their friends and colleagues. The physical walls of the prison are gone, but the control remains, proving that his goal was never love—it was ownership.
Your action plan: Shifting from bystander to powerful ally
Understanding this reality moves us from a place of judgment to a position of power. It’s time to retire the question, "Why don't they just leave?" and replace it with, "How can I become an effective ally?"
Educate yourself. Take the initiative to understand coercive control. Don’t expect the survivor to teach you while they are trying to survive. Your knowledge is the foundation of your support.
Create a safe space. Approach your loved one without judgment. The most powerful words you can offer are, "I believe you," and "This is not your fault." Validate their experience, even if you don't fully understand it.
Offer support, not solutions. Your role is not to be a saviour, but a resource. Ask, "How can I best support you right now?" Respect their decisions and their timeline. Empower them to make their own choices, even if it’s a choice to stay.
Be a consistent presence. Isolation is the abuser’s greatest weapon. Your consistent, unwavering support is the antidote. Be a predictable source of safety in an unpredictable world.
Help with safety planning. Offer practical help. Help them gather important documents, identify safe places to go, or connect them with professional resources and domestic violence hotlines and therapists.
By shifting our perspective from questioning to supporting, we become more than just friends or family. We become active, practical allies who can help dismantle the walls of an invisible prison and light the path to true freedom.
Amanda Youssef, Registered Psychotherapist, Executive Director
Amanda Youssef is a Registered Psychotherapist and Canadian Certified Counsellor who founded and leads Valley Connections Counselling, a multidisciplinary mental health practice in Burlington, Ontario. She specializes in individual and couples therapy, particularly focusing on relational trauma. Amanda is also a Certified Meditation Instructor and incorporates mindfulness into her practice. She created and co-hosts "The Sound of Loneliness Podcast," providing a platform for unheard stories and connection. Amanda is passionate about community building and supports fellow mental health professionals in leadership development.
