What Your Sexual Turn-Ons Reveal About You
- Brainz Magazine
- 15 hours ago
- 9 min read
Updated: 17 minutes ago
Monica is a Sacred Sexuality and Embodiment Coach whose keen interest is exploring the intersections of the mystical and the erotic. With over 10 years of experience in Somatic Sex Education, Tantra, and BDSM, she offers clients embodied tools and practices for healing sexual trauma, reclaiming their erotic wisdom, and integrating sex and spirit.
After working in the field of human sexuality for over a decade, nothing shocks me anymore. I've had the unique privilege of holding space for thousands of clients as they revealed the details of their fantasies and turn-ons. No matter how wacky or morally questionable they appear on the surface, there's an important thread that runs through them all and shapes the way human eroticism unfolds.
What is a sexual fantasy
One of the most fascinating things about our turn-ons is that even if we can articulate what we like, we can rarely explain why. We seem to have no choice when it comes to the direction of our preferences. At some point, we discovered, whether through real-world experiences or exposure to created content of some sort (visual, written, audio, etc), that certain cues fill us with an undeniable charge. Seeking that charge again becomes our erotic compass.
A fantasy can be described as a mental conjuring of those cues, intended to fill you with the charge of arousal.
There are many people who think that they don't fantasize. Maybe they assume that fantasies require complex scripts and characters, something like a fully developed erotica novel playing out in the theatre of the mind. While some people do enjoy immersing themselves in this level of creativity, others might simply recall an arousing memory or have a quick image flash through their minds. There are even some individuals who experience fantasy in feeling tones rather than imagery, or conjure other sensory memories besides sight.
Regardless of its simplicity or complexity, if you're using your mind to conjure cues for your arousal, you are engaged in fantasy.
What distinguishes sexual preferences from sexual fantasies?
We might think of preferences as the actual choices you are making in the real world, in terms of partners and activities. Hopefully, your choices actually turn you on, and if that's so, you can draw from both your real life and fantasy life to better understand your erotic blueprint.
But here's where it gets complicated. Many people have complex sets of criteria when it comes to selecting partners, and attraction might not be at the top of that list. That's completely fair, and might result in a relationship that's still rewarding, but lacking in sexual chemistry.
Furthermore, many people might enjoy fantasizing about certain things, but feel that acting it out would be too vulnerable, or dissonant with the self-image they'd like to maintain. These people may choose the kinds of sex that feel safe, familiar, or do whatever they think is expected of them, even if it doesn't feel satisfying. This is where understanding your fantasies can be an important step in understanding the contextual elements your psyche needs in order to drop into full arousal.
Sexual fantasies are a place where you can let your imagination run wild. There's no one watching or judging (except maybe you), so you can give yourself more freedom to experiment and get more honest about what it is that turns you on. You might allow yourself to participate in things that feel edgy, taboo, or explore ways of being that you'd normally judge or fear.
Through looking at both real-world preferences and our fantasies, we can start to pick up clues as to what kinds of contexts help unlock our eroticism.
Sexual context: The hidden ingredient of arousal
We can think of sexual context as the setting and relational dynamics operating behind the scenes in a sexual scenario.
To better understand this, here's a simple example: Think of a type of touch that you enjoy receiving on your body. Imagine receiving that kind of touch from a loving partner in a safe environment. That's one kind of context. Now imagine receiving the same kind of touch from a loving partner, but in an environment where you might be seen. That's a different context. (For some people, that might enhance their arousal, and for others, that might inhibit it). Lastly, imagine receiving the same kind of touch from someone you recently met, who you don't quite know or trust yet. This is yet another context.
As we can see in this example, the touch is the same in each scenario, but how we feel about it varies according to context. We are emotionally complex, meaning-making beings who crave certain dynamics when it comes to our arousal.
Even our physical attractions can be rooted in the kind of meaning we create from someone's attributes. For example, does it make you feel different about yourself whether your partner is shorter or taller than you? Stronger or softer? Younger or older? These preferences exist because psychologically, they can play into a desired experience of ourselves. That's not to say we can't make exceptions to these preferences, but it does require an inner adjustment.
Context can cover everything from physical attributes, demeanor, style of dress, power dynamics/social status, emotional attitudes and attachment styles, as well as setting, and potential risks involved (both tangible and internal). We unconsciously take all these elements to build narratives and meanings out of our sexual experiences, and that meaning can either help us lean into our arousal or make us hit our brakes.
What are sexual brakes
We can think of brakes as anything that interrupts our sexual arousal and prompts us to shut things down rather than pursue sex. These might be legitimate external factors, but more often than not, they're emotionally rooted negative thought patterns like, I feel ugly today, what if I smell bad, or what if I can't please my partner.
Sometimes brakes prevent us from initiating sex at all, while other times they're there as a constant background noise, limiting our ability to stay present and let go.
Our most prevalent brakes are usually deeply ingrained on a personality level, showing up as the different defence strategies we use to avoid our deepest fears. Some common examples of behaviours include: being a perpetual giver to avoid feeling like a burden, always needing to be in control, or avoiding risks for fear of failing.
Let's look at these examples and how they might play out in the bedroom:
Someone who worries about being a burden to others will struggle to claim their sexual desires and allow themselves to receive. In fact, they might not even consciously allow themselves to contemplate what they want. Any time attention is turned on them, they will likely try to divert it back to the other person by becoming a giver. They will usually be up in their head and preoccupied with the other person's experience.
The person who needs to be in control may be afraid of losing composure around their partner, of becoming too carnal and animalistic, or being seen in a state of vulnerability and surrender. They will unconsciously try to limit their pleasure so that the experience feels small enough to handle. Their partners will have a chronic sense of never really being able to move them deeply.
The person who fears failure may avoid taking the lead, or if they do, they will only stick to what is known and comfortable. Their biggest fear is humiliation, so they will prioritize outward performance over inner enjoyment. What's most important to them is that they appear competent and that their partner is happy, even if it means keeping themselves small and avoiding the risks of growth and authenticity.
In each of these examples, we can see how a protective mechanism in the personality can limit a person's sexual enjoyment. In essence, our protective parts follow us around everywhere, including the bedroom. All human beings have inner protectors, and their hold is often proportionate to the degree that we've been hurt in the past.
How fantasies strive to create safety
The unconscious mind is very clever and can see the ways we hold ourselves back from pleasure. The role of fantasy is to create a kind of context that will help release your brakes.
This is worth repeating. Sexual fantasies are designed to help you navigate your brakes by conjuring the exact scenario that will give you permission to lean in to your arousal rather than hold back.
It's important to understand that because every psyche is unique, there are no two people who will confront their fears in exactly the same way. However, when we look at the overall themes of what someone is afraid of versus how their fantasies reshape that narrative, we can see how the psyche is striving for balance and wholeness.
If we return to our earlier three examples, we can sketch out some possible fantasies that might alleviate these fears:
The fear of being a burden boils down to guilt. If someone's overall emotion around sex revolves around guilt of receiving / guilt of imposing on another, then the theme of their sexual fantasies will absolutely ensure that their fantasy partners are highly motivated, with enough desire and stamina so that it would be impossible to burden them.
For the person who struggles to let go of control, their main fear is shame. They might not wish to be seen as messy, sexual, or vulnerable, and they will do anything to avoid it. Paradoxically, their fantasies might create scenarios where they are seduced, or "forced" into the very things they struggle to admit that they want. The burden of responsibility might be placed on a fantasy character, so that their ego can just surrender into feeling.
The person who fears their own sexual agency and authenticity, and prefers to be a people pleaser, is also struggling with shame. It's a slightly different manifestation from our earlier example, because the fear is more around "doing it wrong". This person's fantasies might conjure scenarios that are free of judgment (for example, a voyeuristic experience where they are not seen). Or perhaps they get to enjoy all the attention, with eager lovers who don't require any performance from the fantasizer. They may also imagine a scenario where they are able to lead confidently and witness their powerful impact on a fantasy partner.
The role of negative emotions in fantasy
It's worth noting that many people are turned on by emotions we would deem negative, such fear or humiliation. On the surface, this seems to contradict the idea that fantasies create safety, but it's important to remember that fantasies are symbolic, like dreams, and not meant to be interpreted literally.
Regardless of what's happening on the surface, there's always a deeper dynamic that is serving the fantasizer. Fear always equates to loss of control. Loss of control means a surrendering of responsibility and decision-making. This is the key the fantasizer needs to unlock their arousal. Equally, humiliation brings to light something the fantasizer feels ashamed of, something they've disowned in themselves. It can alchemize something painful into something arousing. Or it can liberate the fantasizer from the burden of appearing like they have it all together.
This is the strange alchemy of fantasies, and the more we understand the specific fears our turn-ons serve to alleviate, the more we can understand our unique keys to our fullest erotic expression.
Peak erotic experiences: How to understand the keys to your arousal
One of the most fun ways to learn about yourself erotically is to think about a peak sexual experience. This is a highlight in your sexual history, an encounter that stands out as particularly vivid and magical. If you haven't yet had such an experience, then think of your favourite fantasies, or a genre of erotic content you strongly gravitate toward.
Ask yourself these questions
What did you feel in this experience or fantasy? (ex. desire, being desired, power, powerlessness, pride, competence, shame, helplessness, awe, anticipation, fear, love, tenderness, aggression, worthiness, longing, surrender, control, freedom, playfulness, reckless abandon, etc.)
What were the relational dynamics in this scenario? How did you feel about one another? Were there external factors that influenced how you interacted?
What were some traits of your lover(s) / fantasy partner (s)? (ex. physical, personality, etc). How do these traits make you feel about yourself?
What are some common elements that you find in each peak experience/fantasy? (ex., a certain act, a toy or prop, a setting, a power dynamic). What meaning do these things hold for you?
Lastly, what are some fears and relational wounds that you see playing out in your intimate relationships?
Noticing these elements can help you distill the key ingredients that make for an exciting and liberating sexual experience for you. Take some time to journal about these questions so you can come to a deeper understanding of yourself erotically. If it feels safe, you can share some themes with a partner to see if you can incorporate more of that into your play.
Lastly, if you'd like to unpack your sexual desires and reclaim the hidden parts of your eroticism, you can book a coaching call with me to dive deeper into this journey.
Read more from Monica Kovacs
Monica Kovacs, Sacred Sexuality and Embodiment Coach
Monica is a Sacred Sexuality and Embodiment Coach who brings a holistic lens to the understanding of human eroticism. Coming from a deeply religious and dogmatic background, she spent her early adulthood breaking taboos and exploring ways to integrate the mystical and the erotic. Now with over a decade of experience in Tantra, BDSM, Somatic Sex Education, Breathwork, and Depth Psychology, she devotes herself to guiding others along the path back to sexual wholeness. Using practices that are grounded in modern neuroscience while also drawing on ancient wisdom traditions, she aims to equip clients with body-based tools for accessing healing, growth, and insight on their sexual journey.
