Navigating Love Without Losing Yourself While Balancing Support and Codependent Behaviours
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 16
- 3 min read
Written by Sarah Montes, Addiction Counsellor
Sarah Montes is a Lived Experience Addiction Counselor with a rich background in addiction recovery, having transformed her own challenges into a career dedicated to helping others heal and find purpose.
Loving someone through addiction can feel like walking a tightrope. On one side is the desire to support and care for them in a way that fosters healing and connection. On the other is the risk of losing yourself in their needs, emotions, and struggles, falling into patterns of Codependent behaviours.
Many people who care deeply for others struggle with this tension. They want to be a source of love and stability, yet they may find themselves exhausted, resentful, or feeling responsible for someone else’s recovery. And when they hear the word codependent, it can sting, implying that their love is unhealthy, that they are enabling, or even that they are part of the problem. This can bring up deep shame, as if caring too much is a flaw rather than a natural human instinct. Codependent behaviour is not a character defect; it is often a learned survival strategy.
Understanding codependent behaviours without shame
The term Codependent behaviours has evolved over time. Originally used to describe family members of people with substance use disorders, it now describes a pattern of behavior where someone becomes overly invested in another person’s well-being at the cost of their own.
This might look like:
Feeling responsible for another person’s emotions or choices
Prioritizing their needs over your own repeatedly
Struggling to set or enforce boundaries
Feeling anxious, guilty, or unworthy when not ‘helping’
Deriving self-worth from being needed rather than being whole on your own
Recognizing these patterns is not about blaming yourself; it’s about understanding the ways love and fear have intertwined in your relationships. If you learned from a young age that love meant fixing, rescuing, or absorbing someone else’s pain, of course, that became second nature. Moving from Codependent behaviour isn’t about loving less; it’s about loving differently.
The difference between support and codependent behaviours
So how do you know if you’re offering healthy support or slipping into Codependent behaviours? Here are some guiding questions:
Are you offering support that empowers, or are you taking over? True support encourages autonomy. Codependent behaviours often involve stepping in to fix or control outcomes.
Do you feel exhausted, anxious, or resentful? Support should feel balanced, not draining. If you are consistently depleted, it may be a sign that your own needs aren’t being met.
Are you respecting your own boundaries? Saying ‘no’ does not mean you don’t care. It means you trust the other person to do their own work while also honoring your well-being.
Is your sense of self tied to their recovery or happiness? Healthy relationships allow space for both people to have their own emotional experiences. Codependent behaviours make another person’s struggles feel like your own burden to carry.
Shifting from codependent behaviours to healthy connection
Moving out of codependent behaviours doesn’t mean you stop caring; it means you care in ways that are sustainable, respectful, and boundaried. Here’s how:
Practice self-check-ins: Regularly ask yourself, What do I need right now? Your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.
Learn to tolerate discomfort: Watching someone struggle without stepping in can feel unbearable. But rescuing them robs them of their chance to grow and learn.
Redefine love: Love is not self-sacrifice. Love is presence, compassion, and trust that the other person is capable of their own healing.
Seek support for yourself: Whether through therapy, support groups, or trusted friends, having a space to process your own emotions is essential.
You are not ‘too much’: You deserve balance
If you have felt shame around being ‘too caring’ or ‘too involved,’ know that your instinct to love is not wrong. It just may need to be reshaped into something that honors both you and the person you care for.
Healthy love is not about fixing; it’s about witnessing, supporting, and allowing space for both people to grow.
You are not responsible for saving anyone. But you are absolutely worthy of love that does not require you to lose yourself. Reach out to start your journey toward emotional resilience!.
Read more from Sarah Montes
Sarah Montes, Addiction Counsellor
Sarah Montes, founder and CEO of Sarah Montes Recovery Services, is a Lived Experience Addiction Counselor with a profound understanding of the complexities of addiction and recovery. Having overcome personal struggles, she has held pivotal roles in withdrawal management and residential treatment centers. Her work, infused with deep empathy and unwavering commitment, extends beyond her practice to other clinics and treatment centres, where she supports individuals, families, and communities on their journeys to healing.
