It’s Not Self-Love You’re Missing, It’s Self-Competence
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 11
- 7 min read
Arne Salig is a psychological consultant, author of several books, and co-creator of the Self-Competence Model. With over 25 years of experience, he helps people grow from within and live with clarity, resilience, and authenticity. His work bridges deep psychology and real-life transformation.
You’ve probably heard it a thousand times: “Just love yourself more.” But what if that’s not the real answer? There’s something deeper, and it holds the key to lasting inner strength: self-competence.
What if self-love isn’t the whole answer?
We’re surrounded by messages like “Love yourself more,” “You are enough,” and “Be kind to yourself.” Beautiful words, but often, they fall flat.
You repeat affirmations. You try to believe them. But still, the inner critic returns. Doubts remain. The same old patterns play out again and again. Why?
Because self-love isn’t the root.
It’s a result. And that result depends on something deeper, something rarely talked about: self-competence.
The missing link: What is self-competence?
Self-competence is the art of being in a conscious, constructive relationship with yourself. It’s not about being perfect. It’s about being present, honest, resilient, and truly responsible for your inner world.
This concept isn’t just theory. It grew from years of real-life clinical experience and from a shared question that kept arising again and again. Back then, Susanne Salig (then Susanne Schuster) and I were both working in different clinics along the German Baltic Sea coast. We weren’t married yet, but we were both facing the same challenge:
Too little time for too much suffering. Most of our patients had already been through countless therapies, read all the right books, joined coaching programs, and yet, they still felt stuck.
We began searching for what really made a difference, the kind of impulses that stayed with people and changed something from within. And slowly, we noticed a pattern:
The most powerful breakthroughs always had to do with the self, self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-worth.
That realization sparked something in us. Together, and later with psychologist Melanie Theissler, we began to systematically explore these elements:
What is the hierarchy between them?
What depends on what?
How do they interact?
The result is the Self-Competence Model, a practical, powerful framework for inner clarity and emotional strength. To explain it, imagine a house, the house of your self.
The foundation is self-awareness: seeing yourself clearly, without judgment.
The walls are self-acceptance and self-empowerment: standing strong in who you are, and taking charge of how you live.
The roof is self-esteem: the sum of your self-assurance, self-confidence, and self-love.
And in the center stands a pillar: self-care, holding everything together.
When just one part is missing, the whole structure becomes unstable. That’s why self-love alone isn’t enough, it’s the roof. And a roof without a solid house beneath it can’t protect you.
Why self-competence goes deeper than self-love
Self-love matters. But on its own, it can be fragile, especially when the deeper layers beneath it are missing.
Imagine telling yourself, “I am enough,” while secretly doubting your feelings, avoiding hard truths, or blaming yourself for every mistake.
That kind of “love” becomes conditional: be perfect, and you’re worthy. Mess up, and you’re not.
Self-competence changes that. It helps you face your patterns without shame, take ownership of your story, and be kind to yourself even in moments of struggle. That’s not just self-care; that’s inner strength you can rely on.
Signs you might be lacking self-competence
You show up, you work hard, you try to grow and yet, deep inside, there's tension. A quiet ache. A feeling that you’re not fully at peace with yourself.
Here are some gentle signs that your relationship with yourself may need more care:
You often doubt your worth, even when others appreciate you
You find it hard to set boundaries and feel drained as a result
You avoid difficult feelings by staying busy, helpful, or “strong”
You carry guilt that doesn’t belong to you or blame others to protect your heart
You achieve things but still feel like an imposter
You long for ease inside but instead feel like you're holding it all together
These aren’t weaknesses. They’re invitations, whispers from within, asking you to come home to yourself, gently, step by step.
And that’s exactly what self-competence helps you rebuild, one layer at a time.
How to build real self-competence step by step
So how do you strengthen your self-competence? It starts not with big, dramatic changes, but with small, honest shifts in how you relate to yourself.
No one teaches us how to build a true inner foundation. We learn how to perform, to succeed, to adapt, but rarely how to connect with ourselves in a way that feels safe, stable, and real.
The good news? Self-competence isn’t something you’re born with. It’s something you can build, not overnight, but step by step. Like a house, layer by layer, from the ground up. Here’s how that journey can begin:
1. Start with self-awareness
Slow down. Listen inward. What are you really feeling? What are you avoiding? What have you stopped dreaming about? Many people lose touch with their emotions, but also with their values, their longings, their sense of direction.
Self-awareness is the first act of coming back to yourself.
2. Move toward acceptance
Not everything you find will feel easy. There may be regrets, painful memories, parts of you that feel hard to face. But self-acceptance doesn’t mean you stop growing, it means you stop fighting yourself.
It’s the moment you say, “This is where I begin. And that’s okay.”
And sometimes, it also means forgiving yourself, for things you did or didn’t do, for choices you made with the best intentions you had at the time, for being human.
Self-forgiveness is not forgetting or minimizing what happened. It’s choosing to stop punishing yourself for past versions of you and starting to support the one you are now.
That’s where true healing begins.
3. Take responsibility, gently
Once you’ve accepted what’s there, the next step is reclaiming your role in shaping what comes next. Ask yourself: What’s truly mine? Not out of guilt, but out of self-leadership.
Taking responsibility doesn’t mean blaming yourself for everything. It means owning your power to choose, to shift, to grow, even when things feel messy. Responsibility says, “I may not control everything, but I’m not powerless. I can choose my response. I can take the next step.”That’s where transformation begins, not from force, but from gentle clarity.
4. Anchor yourself in self-care
This isn’t about bubble baths and luxury. Real self-care is about building an inner rhythm that keeps you grounded, especially when life gets loud. It’s how you remind yourself: “I matter, not because of what I achieve, but because I exist.”
Self-care is rest, yes. But also boundaries, nourishment, movement, silence, connection.
And most importantly, it’s not a method. There’s no one-size-fits-all formula. What recharges one person might drain another. Your self-care needs to feel like yours, real, flexible, alive.
It’s not a reward for doing well; it’s a basic need for staying well. Make it a practice, not an afterthought. It’s the beam that holds your inner house together.
5. Let your self-esteem grow from within
Self-esteem (or self-worth) isn’t something you earn; it’s something you build. But for many of us, that building takes time. What we call self-esteem is actually made up of different inner forces:
Self-love: the inward warmth and care you feel for yourself
Self-confidence: the inner and outer belief in your capabilities
Self-assurance: the calm strength you radiate in the outside world
Together, they form the roof of your inner house. But here’s the truth: you can’t start with the roof.
No matter how many affirmations you say or how hard you try to “feel good about yourself,” if the foundation is shaky and the walls are weak, your self-esteem will collapse under stress. That’s why self-worth depends on everything that comes before:
Self-awareness, self-acceptance, self-empowerment. And to stay strong, it also needs one more thing, the steady support of self-care.
Each small act of truth, kindness, and alignment adds another beam to your inner structure. And slowly, something shifts. You stop chasing worthiness and start living from it.
From self-optimization to self-leadership
For years, we’ve been told to optimize ourselves. Be more productive. More efficient. More successful. More, everything. And yet, so many people feel less connected, less alive.
Self-competence follows a different path. It’s not about becoming more. It’s about becoming whole. It teaches you to lead yourself, with clarity, integrity, and presence, long before you try to lead anyone else. It keeps you grounded when life turns uncertain, lets you navigate relationships without losing yourself, and helps you feel at home in your own life, imperfections and all. Because true self-leadership doesn’t start with performance. It starts with inner alignment.
Start your journey today
If something inside you is nodding right now, that quiet yes, don’t ignore it. Self-competence isn’t just a concept. It’s a practice. A path. And you don’t have to walk it alone.
Join our free Self-Competence Community and connect with others who are ready to grow, gently, truthfully, and from the inside out. Or explore our 7-week online course, The Self-Code, your personal blueprint for inner clarity and emotional strength.
Grow within. Shine beyond. It starts with you.
Read more from Arne Salig
Arne Salig, Psychological Consultant, Mentor, and Author
Arne Salig is a psychological consultant, author of several books, and co-creator of the Self-Competence Model. With over 25 years of experience, he supports individuals and organizations in developing inner clarity, emotional resilience, and authentic presence. His work combines deep psychological insight with real-world practicality. Arne’s approach is rooted in the belief that lasting change begins within – not with perfection, but with honest self-connection. He works internationally as a mentor, speaker, and trainer.
