How to Regain Connection With Your Partner Instead of More Conflict
- Brainz Magazine
- Oct 14
- 7 min read
Claire Buttrum is one of the first Somatic Trauma-Informed Coaches in the world, combining somatic coaching techniques with parts work and nervous system regulation. She is the founder of Somatic Harmony Healing, supporting women globally to get better at feeling and trusting the wisdom of their bodies.
Discover how to create a secure, loving space for you and your partner to heal your youngest, most vulnerable parts and build unshakable intimacy. Do you ever find yourself and your partner in the same argument, a recurring conflict that feels much bigger than the situation at hand? It can be frustrating and disconnecting, driving a wedge between you. It seems like it's rooted in your finances, how you want to raise the children, or deal with their big emotions, or about seeing the in-laws. But is it really?
What if I were to tell you that there is something much bigger hidden beneath these conflicts?
These moments aren’t just problems to be solved. They are invitations to lean into a deeper level of healing and intimacy.
You can learn how to shift the focus from conflict to the profound healing potential within a secure relationship. Find out why your deepest wounds, which are often relational in origin, show up in your relationships. And how a loving partner can provide the compassionate emotional experiences needed to heal them.
What are wounds?
In our inner world, we all have wounds. Psychological in nature, these are the young, vulnerable parts of ourselves that hold the pain, shame, and fear from past experiences, conditioning, and societal expectations. As explained by the Internal Family Systems Model, they usually come from childhood, teenage years, or young adulthood when our needs for safety, connection, or validation weren't met. They are things we believe about ourselves, like we’re not worthy of love, that we must people-please instead of asking for what we need, or that we were too loud, too much, not enough, or somehow defective.
These parts of us can cause so much pain and distress, they get tucked away so we can carry on. Hidden away but not disappeared. Invisible, but most definitely there. They often reveal themselves in our most intimate relationships. It is these young parts that are getting activated during disagreements and causing us to react in ways that make us feel childish. These reactions can be intensely emotional and shaming in their own right, which has the added impact of making us even more defensive.
The core of these wounds often stems from our family of origin. From a time we felt like we didn’t belong, were unseen or deprioritised, weren’t worthy of the attention of our caregivers, we couldn’t trust anyone, or were unsafe.
Protectors: Shielding our wounds
We have another type of part within us. Powerful protectors. These are the parts of us that try very, very hard to stop the wounds from emotionally flooding us. When we are in conflict and a core wound has been triggered, these protector parts will rush in to try and dislodge those uncomfortable emotions.
Remember a time you had an argument with your partner. Perhaps it was about something simple like the finances. Maybe your partner spends money easily, and you feel a deep sense of unease with the amount of bills that need to be paid, and would prefer to be a little more thrifty.
You might have a part of you that carefully organises the finances. Using spreadsheets, tracking incomings and outgoings. Perhaps you dislike borrowing or going overdrawn. A part of you is carefully planning and tracking everything, which feels safe and comfortable. Yet your partner doesn’t have the same view. Anytime they cause you to go overdrawn, this part of you gets frustrated.
You keep it to yourself to start with. But the situation causes more discomfort in your body. Anxiety rises. Then suddenly, after one throwaway comment from your partner, you find yourself shouting at them, "You’re useless with money! How can you be so careless! You don’t care about me or our family!"
Your partner, caught unawares, goes right into defensive mode. Their parts rally, soothing their wounds by lobbing that hot potato you just threw at them right back at you. Careless, unkind words are exchanged. The argument escalates. And before you know it, you’re both sulking in different parts of the house. Neither one is willing to back down. But it isn’t really you or your partner who is shouting those hurtful words. It is your wounded childhood parts that are feeling got at.
A wound related to money could be about safety or trust. Reminding you of a time when you didn’t have what you needed. Your needs were unmet. A wound related to being accused of not caring could be about being misunderstood, deprioritised. Reminding your partner of a time when they didn’t feel important to the people who were most important to them. Your wounded inner child has gone into battle against your partner’s wounded inner child. And the protectors have no choice but to armour up and fight it out.
The shift from protector to Self
But what if there was another way? As discussed, when a wound is triggered, our protective parts jump in to defend it. This is when a simple disagreement can escalate into a major fight, with both partners' protective systems clashing.
The key to transforming these moments is for one or both partners to shift out of their reactive protectors and into their core 'Self'. The Self is the calm, compassionate, curious, and confident core of who we are. When a partner can approach a tense situation from this state of Self, they don't see an angry or distant protector, they see the vulnerable wound hiding behind it.
Creating a compassionate emotional experience
This is where true healing can happen. A compassionate emotional experience happens when you or your partner, leading from Self, can offer each other’s young, wounded part what it has always needed.
When you can both see past each other’s protective anger or withdrawal and offer compassion directly to your vulnerable wounds, it creates a powerful moment of profound healing. This isn't about being each other’s therapist. You aren’t trying to fix each other or psychoanalyse, people hate that, don’t they? Instead, this is about creating a moment of deep, reparative connection that has the power to soothe old wounds. A calm, loving presence provides the safety for both your young parts to finally feel seen and cared for.
This is about forming a loving relationship within you between your self-energy and all your parts, wounds, and protectors alike. Which then allows space for a true, loving connection between you and your partner.
It might take a bit of practice to start with, and I’ll go into that in a moment. What is also incredibly helpful here is bringing awareness to the situation. By understanding these arguments and reactions are not really you but a young, wounded part of you, it gives you space. Space to explore what else is at play. Who is really showing up in those moments? And to choose how you want to show up next time.
How to ask for what your young part needs to your partner
This requires vulnerability and a new kind of communication. Instead of leading with the protective reaction (‘You always do this!’), you can learn to identify the feelings of the younger part and ask for what it needs, directly from your partner. This practice builds trust and transforms conflict into connection.
Using the language of ‘a part of me’ is also transformative in its own right. It stops us from being engulfed by our emotions in the moment. Avoiding that all-or-nothing mindset that can take us alarmingly quickly into conflict. It also signals to our partner that it is only a part of us that feels that way, helping them feel less attacked. This, in turn, prevents their defensive parts from preparing for argument and allows for Self to remain present.
Here are a few examples of how you might ask for what your part needs:
A young part of me is feeling really scared right now and just needs a hug.
There's a part of me that feels invisible. Could you just look at me and tell me you see me right now?
A part of me that feels like it did something wrong needs to hear that we are okay.
It’s difficult to be angry and defensive with this level of vulnerability and openness. Instead, there is an invitation to greater intimacy and kindness. A kind of compassionate curiosity that feels much softer than angry protectors barking at each other.
Start your healing journey together
Your relationship with your partner can be one of the most powerful containers for healing you will ever experience. Yes, it means being vulnerable. Yes, it means taking time to explore what may have wounded you in the past. And both of those things can be scary. I would also recommend that if you do have serious trauma in your history, you undertake this exploratory work with a trained trauma-informed therapist or coach so they can be that container for you to start with. Then, once you are feeling more healed, you can speak from and ask for what these young parts need with your partner.
Your young parts usually need something along the lines of:
To be seen as they are without judgement
To know they are enough
To know that your partner doesn’t see them as too much, too loud, or too difficult
To feel worthy of love without having to ‘act’ to get it
That it is okay to rest and be still
To feel they belong and are safe to be themselves
That they can trust
That they are safe
That they are loved unconditionally
Shifting from conflict to conscious connection allows you to help each other heal the relational wounds you both carry. It takes courage and practice, but these moments of shared vulnerability are what build unshakable intimacy and trust.
Take the next step
If you're ready to learn how to create these connections safely and effectively, you can take the next step. I offer therapeutic coaching to couples and individuals looking to create loving relationships with themselves and their partners.
You can book a free 30-minute consultation with me to explore how therapeutic coaching, a blended approach using somatic trauma-informed coaching, parts work, nervous system regulation, and somatic techniques, can transform your relationships.
Read more from Claire Buttrum
Claire Buttrum, Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach
Claire Buttrum is a Somatic Trauma-Informed Coach and the founder of Somatic Harmony Healing, a service focused on nourishing the body and mind. Claire is one of the first level 7 qualified somatic trauma-informed coaches in the world. Her approach is centred on nervous system regulation and deep self-connection, tailored to the individual needs of her clients who are primarily women. She integrates various modalities, including parts work, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and emotional freedom technique. She holds specialised certifications in ADHD and menopause coaching. Claire's practice aims to help women become their own advocates and cheerleaders to achieve profound healing and growth.
