How High Achievers Can Reset When Feeling Anxious, Stressed, Or Frustrated
- Jun 1, 2023
- 8 min read
Written by: Dr. Toni Warner, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
High achievers have a strong drive to do well. Goal-oriented and self-disciplined, they’re considered “ambitious” and are often seen as “high performers.” They care about accomplishing; getting things done and getting them done well. And this can be a wonderful thing because their drive and passion help to create innovative, wonderful things for our world! High achievement, however, can also come at a cost if what’s fueling the effort behind the high achievement is (knowingly or unknowingly) about proving, people-pleasing, or as a pursuit for control. Among the unpleasant, long-term results of the latter are strain, chronic or acute stress, unhealthy internal pressures, exhaustion, resentment and an insatiable lack of fulfillment.
As a high achiever myself, I’ve experienced both sides of achievement- the one where I burnt myself out, and the one where I feel lit up, passion-fueled, free and fulfilled! If you’re a high achiever, I want you to know, to hear and to believe that your desire to achieve is not a bad or wrong thing; it does not need to lead to a lack of health nor does it demand sacrifice for other things that matter to you. It is possible to embrace your internal drive to go above and beyond what’s considered “average”, while also feeling satisfied with who you are, what you’re doing and where you’re at right here and right now in your life. There tend to be fears associated with letting go of the chronic need to achieve, but these fears often operate in the background of our minds and keep us feeling stuck. One fear I used to have, was if I stopped pushing myself so hard then I’d lose my drive and ambition. I felt like my drive and ambition were what made me valuable to others, so internally, losing those felt like a threat. What I learned, however, was that more enjoyment with less stress does not and will not cause us to lose our ambition when our ambition is passion and purpose-based. To help paint a picture of how addiction to action and achievement may play out in the life of an achiever, for better or for worse, here’s a personal share about some of my own journey: In my early twenties, I had already been living on my own, graduated with high grades and went on to complete my first graduate degree in record time, even as a single mom. In my mid-twenties, after earning my first Masters's degree, I had my second child, got married, bought a house and landed a solid job in my field. I was really good at my work and I was willing to work hard at it. On paper, I looked great. I was the high performer that anyone and everyone could count on… except I was struggling. I was having panic attacks, losing hair, chronically fatigued, and had unhealthy relationships. By the time I was 26, I’d burnt out twice. Fast forward to the age of 30. I’d earned my second Master's degree, had my third baby and completed my doctoral program. My husband and I owned our own cars and had solid jobs with good health insurance. My kids were healthy and I had the schedule I’d worked over a decade to create for myself as a working mother. I wasn’t in burnout anymore. And yet, after all of that, I didn’t feel fulfilled. I didn’t feel free. I’d achieved all of my lofty goals up until that point in my life, so I wondered, what could possibly be left? Why was I not feeling fulfilled? Well, this question led me to an unexpected path- to become a business owner and entrepreneur. First, I opened my private practice as a psychotherapist, and then I later opened a business as a life and leadership mentor. I started following my passions more and more. A series of events and challenges led me to fundamentally shift several significant parts of my life. I was still a high achiever, but I realized that I wasn’t bound by the pressure to prove myself to anyone or anything like I had before. I wasn’t trapped by fears related to perfectionism or pleasing people. I didn’t feel trapped by the need to prove myself worthy or of value, like I had before. Those old patterns still sometimes showed up of course, but they were no longer steering my ship for me. Now, as a mom of 4, best-selling author of two books, inspirational speaker, psychotherapist and a 6 months postpartum wife who also runs her own businesses, things are both different and yet the same. I can confidently say that I’m still a high achiever, but I no longer pay a high price for it. And, I get the pleasure of sharing my (on-going) story with you, my fellow high achievers, parents and leaders – because I believe you deserve to experience a fulfilling and freeing path too. But how? Great question.
I won’t pretend like there is one single cookie-cutter formula, because that isn’t true. The truth is that we all have a unique journey. However, there are fundamental principles that do apply for all of us. I share a customizable process for this in my book, The Reset, A High Achievers Guide to Freedom and Fulfillment. In this article, we will explore just a few pieces that connect with some of those fundamentals. To embrace your high achievement without jeopardizing yourself, your health or your relationships, let’s first identify what constitutes unhealthy versus healthy ways to experience achievement.
Unhealthy High Achievement
When you can’t slow down after constantly pushing yourself, it’s time to check in and see if any of these signs that your achievement or action focus has grown to an unhealthy level:
Super Loud Inner Critic/Feeling Invaded by Self-Doubt
Mentally worn from too much over-thinking
Resentment or anger when don’t receive reassurance from others/external validation
Experience a sense of disconnection from others
Imposter Syndrome
Mental Exhaustion or Brain Fog
Symptoms of Burn out
Perfectionism
Chronic Stress
Hard time Setting Boundaries
While this is not an all-inclusive list, it is a snapshot of experiences that high achievers who are functioning at an unhealthy level may struggle with. It’s important to note that if you’re experiencing any number of these factors, it does not mean you are weak. It does not mean you are failing either. It means, minimally, that you’re in need of a reset. And a reset is possible for you, whether you’re the CEO or a large enterprise, a small business owner, a parenting professional, a student or a stay at home parent.
Healthy High Achievement
When you’re still accomplishing, going above and beyond or taking massive, productive action, but in a healthy way, you are much more likely to experience:
Sparks of inspiration, sometimes seemingly out of nowhere!
More energized throughout the day
Greater sense of confidence in your decision making
Increased clarity on where to focus and when
Steady and self-affirmed in setting healthy boundaries in a firm but compassionate manner
Accepting of messing up, or not knowing, and wanting to learn from each
Talking to yourself with more encouragement and care
Feeling more connected to others
Increased awareness of the contributions YOU want to make and why
More often believing you’re worthy and of value regardless of the action or accomplishment
Now, if you’re reading through this and wondering what to do because you’re noticing more of the unhealthy rather than the healthy factors of achievement, then here are some practical yet powerful ways you can begin to shift from one to the other (to tune into the audio and video of these tips, you can catch me sharing them on the news here).
What To Do If Your Mental Health Is Suffering Due To Unhealthy High Achievement:
1. Redefine success
Chronically stressed achievers often fear disappointment (of others and of themselves). They may worry about judgment and feel the need to be the “responsible” one, or they may feel pressured to prove themselves to others in some way.
These external motivators are outside of your control, so no matter how hard you try, you can’t fully appease those needs.
Pushing yourself to achieve them to feel successful will drain you. Instead of having these external motivators be your success fuel, you can switch it up! You can formulate your own fuel;a different kind of fuel from within. This intrinsic fuel is created when you choose to re-define what your own definition of success is. A definition of success that lights you up, regardless of what others may think. Start by sitting yourself down, getting out a piece of paper, and writing to this prompt: “If these pressures and worries were removed for today, what would feel successful to me? How would I be behaving? What decisions might I made? And how might I feel as I engage in these things?”
2. Rethink balance
“Balancing” like a juggling act on a tightwire= stress; being overly independent also backfires and leads so many achievers to feel incredibly alone and misunderstood. Balance the way nature intended has an ebb and flow to it, which means we don’t need to try to “balance” it all at once. Instead, rethink balance. You can practice doing this by honoring what’s on your “to-do list” as you write it all down. But then, actively and intentionally choosing to focus on only one thing on that list at once. One simple yet incredibly effective way that I do this is by using my custom intentional scheduler. There’s a free template available at drtoniwarner.com, or you can snag my mini-course on the science behind it and how to use it effectively for $20 here.
3. Reframe “compare and despair”
Too many achievers look at the success of others and compare themselves in a negative light, leading them to feel bad or criticize themselves more. This is called “compare and despair.” It’s adaptive for us to look outside of us and compare; that’s a normal human behavior. However, we do not need to use this comparison in a way that hurts us or makes us feel bad. We can use it differently, more supportively. Instead, let’s use comparison as a way to spark inspiration by applying “If they can, then the possibilities are endless for me too!” I call this the “compare and inspire” method!
For high-impact videos on all things success and satisfaction, visit Dr. Toni’s YouTube channel here, or submit your questions to receive videore sponse free and anonymous here.
No content provided serves as therapeutic support or medical advice. All content provided is for information purposes and is to be used at the sole discretion and responsibility of the user themselves.
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Dr. Toni Warner, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Toni is a mom of 4, psychotherapist, mentor, educator, speaker and best selling author. She’s founder of Authentically Me Psychotherapy, a private practice in PA specializing in anxiety, bipolar and trauma support. She’s also founder of Bold and Balanced, an educational, mentoring and consulting business where she teaches leaders and parenting professionals how to effectively reduce stress, boost success and experience more ease and satisfaction at work and at home. Trained or certified in a variety of powerful methods such as Brainspotting, Dr. Toni infuses research and techniques that incorporate the brain, body and mind in her work with clients. You can find her best selling book, The Reset, A High Achievers Guide to Freedom and Fulfillment on Amazon. When she’s not diving deep into her work, you can find her silly dancing and singing with her children, walking in nature or enjoying one of her delicious delights homemade latte, fresh bread or chocolate!
