Can Adult Children of Grey Divorce Ever Truly Heal?
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 30
- 14 min read
Updated: May 2
Christen is a psychiatric nurse and solo mompreneur, who specializes in grief, single parenting, and proactive mental health care. She is the founder of The Crisis Nurse mission, the creator of The (6-Step) C.R.I.S.I.S. Plan, the author of the book PIVOT (to be released May 2025), and was recognized as a "Top Nurse of 2025" by Today's Nurse.
Have you ever heard someone say they stayed (or are staying) together "for the kids"? It's a familiar sentiment, and perhaps you've even seen it play out in your own family. As the years pass and kids grow up and move out, some of those same couples do not continue to stay together, finding themselves in the throes of divorce much later in life; possibly after having been married for 20+ years. This phenomenon has become known as "grey” divorce, coined by Susan Brown and I-Fen Lin in their 2012 study. While waiting until the children are older to end a marriage may seem like the “easier” or “better” option for one reason or another, the adult children of grey divorce (ACOGD for the purpose of this article) might disagree. The pain, hurt, confusion, and anger that comes along with the dissolution of a family doesn't magically disappear at a certain age. Let’s dive into the intricacies of “grey” divorce for those who are unfamiliar with it, and then discuss some healthy ways to seek support and process this unique grief that is so often misunderstood.
What is “grey” divorce?
As explained briefly above, “grey” divorce refers to marriage that ends later in life when at least one partner is over the age of 50, and the kids are out of the house or at least young adults (17 or 18). More specifically, these spouses usually have only had one long-term marriage to each other. If you haven’t already guessed, the word “grey” is used to reference the natural greying of hair that typically starts around age 50. The term has become increasingly relevant as societal patterns continue to shift. Divorce is a life-altering and emotionally taxing experience that profoundly affects both parents and children, regardless of age. Over the past few decades, “grey” divorce has risen sharply, especially among couples married for over 20 years. From 1990 to 2022, divorces among couples aged 55 and older doubled, while those for couples 65 and older tripled. Overall divorce rates for younger couples are declining, while there is a steady uptick for the older generation. Despite this fact, there continues to be a lack of acknowledgement and streamlined support for the unique grief and destruction that grey divorce can cause for families.
A forgotten population?
The majority of research that has been done on grey divorce either analyzes the effects that midlife divorce has on the well-being of the divorced couple, or the long-term effects that divorce has on adult children who were young when it occurred. Very few studies have looked specifically at how grey divorce affects the psychological well-being and interpersonal relationships of ACOGD. This is why they could very well be considered a “forgotten population."
When divorce occurs between one's parents, their world is essentially turned upside down, no matter what the age. The shock for all involved, and sudden upheaval of family traditions can be just as intense – if not more so – when it occurs later in life. We need to remember that every single situation and individual dealing with it is like a fingerprint – no two are exactly alike. Oftentimes, if the “children" are adults themselves, they are expected or assumed to be able to handle the changes maturely, and the reality of their feelings may even get pushed aside or go unrecognized.
What will they be left with? Navigating through some or all of the stages of grief: shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing, and acceptance. Most likely they will struggle with mixed feelings such as betrayal, sadness, resentment, and confusion. These emotions may manifest immediately or be suppressed until years later when they could resurface as problems such as fear of commitment, self-doubt, self-loathing, and distrust of others. Without proper healing, grief can turn into full-blown mental illnesses like depression, anxiety, or substance abuse. ACOGD are unfortunately also at an increased risk for their own marriage to end in divorce, making it even more important for them to have access to resources and support specifically tailored to them and their needs.
Living a lie?
Growing up in what seems like a “healthy” family creates a sense of security. As children reach young adulthood with their parents still married, they often feel invincible, safe from the possibility of divorce disrupting their world. That’s why the disbelief an adult child feels upon hearing that their parents are separating after years of marriage can be unimaginable. In these moments, adult children are often expected to stay composed and independent, even as their family structure crumbles before their eyes. According to some research, this expectation overlooks the profound emotional impact of parental divorce later in life. While young children are often seen as more vulnerable to divorce, the shock adult children feel is equally destabilizing and shakes the foundation they thought was secure.
Questioning the validity of their entire identity and childhood is not unheard of, and many ACOGD do express that they feel they’ve been living a lie for all or most of their lives.
Parent-child relationship shifts
The assumption that adult children are less affected by their parents’ divorce can stem from many things. One common belief is that parent-adult child relationships are generally more stable and emotionally mature, so therefore they will be more likely to stand the test of time. While stability may exist, this doesn’t shield these relationships from the ripple effects of something as devastating as grey divorce. A life-altering event like that can disrupt the bonds built over decades, as parents and children adjust to a new, unfamiliar dynamic.
Divorce often flips social roles within the family structure, leaving adult children comforting one or both parents instead of receiving support themselves. Parents, overwhelmed by stress, may overlook their grown children’s needs, assuming they’re less affected because they’re adults. This unintentional insensitivity can leave adult children feeling unseen as they navigate their grief, further complicating the healing process.
Parents often believe that divorce is harder on younger children, assuming their grown children will understand and accept the decision, inadvertently brushing aside the emotional needs of their adult children. The grief they experience is often unacknowledged, without adequate support. Sometimes this alone can lead to even more strain on parent-child relationships.
Finding hope with a plan
Although grey divorce brings about significant emotional changes and challenges within families, it also presents opportunities for resilience and growth. Families can rebuild healthier relationships, and adult children can develop stronger coping mechanisms as they navigate the shifts in their family dynamic. This resilience can lead to newfound strength and understanding within relationships moving forward. It just comes down to finding the right process, resources, and support.
6 key steps to begin healing
Navigating grief, whether from your own or your parents’ divorce later in life, can feel overwhelming. Over the years, I’ve unintentionally applied these steps to my own life and have taught them to patients in the Mental Health ER (Crisis Unit). Seeing the transformation that can happen while being intentional with these six steps led to the creation of a simple, but actionable framework. The C.R.I.S.I.S. Plan provides a clear starting point for you to pivot when faced with emotional turmoil, and immediately begin implementing the steps in a way that can be molded to fit your life. Let’s dive into the acronym to see what each of the letters stand for (you could even jot down some thoughts as you read):
1. Coping skills
Finding the right coping skills takes time, and what works for one person may not work for another. These are just a few suggestions to help you start exploring what might resonate with you.
Prayer can be a powerful source of comfort. Talking to God, asking others to pray for you, or simply finding stillness in prayer can help bring clarity during difficult moments.
Releasing emotions is another helpful approach. Whether through crying, journaling, or even screaming into a pillow – letting yourself feel and process those emotions can be incredibly freeing.
Music and media can also provide relief. Try listening and singing to your favorite music (or calming music) or watching shows or movies you’ve seen a million times that are familiar and comforting to you (some of my personal favorites are Friends and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days). Using meditation apps like Abide or Hallow, can be helpful for ruminating, nonstop thoughts, anxiety, being able to focus on prayer, and especially for those who are also struggling with sleep. Repetitive practices like listening to the rosary or Abide sleep stories can be particularly soothing at night.
Fresh air and movement are simple yet effective. Stepping outside, taking a walk, or even just breathing deeply in the fresh air can help clear your mind. If you’re up for it, light movement like stretching first thing when you wake up, or before bed can also ease tension. When the gym is not an option and the weather is not ideal, home workouts (with or without equipment) can be just as effective. Two apps that have a variety of workouts as well as the option to track your meals are Fit52 by Carrie Underwood and BetterMe Wall Pilates.
Connecting with others is equally important. Reaching out to trusted friends or loved ones, even if it’s just a quick text or call, can remind you that you’re not alone in this process. Feel free to send me a message or email, too (linked at the end of this article)!
Remember, these are just starting points – suggestions for you to try. Everyone’s healing journey is unique, so take the time to discover what works best for you.
2. Reframe and remove negativity
Identify the people, places, situations, or even thoughts that drain your energy or cloud your peace of mind. Once you pinpoint what’s within your control, take intentional steps to minimize or eliminate these sources of negativity. Protecting your peace is an essential part of the healing process.
Reframing is an imperative step because it provides you with more awareness of your own thoughts and beliefs that may be holding you back or even leading you to self-sabotage. Learning how to be more intentional with not just acknowledging your negative and irrational thought patterns, but challenging them as well, can change the whole trajectory of how you move through grief and (quite honestly) life. Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) style coaching can be extremely effective, which is why it is central to my programs.
It is important to remember that some people just tend to be more “negative” than others, by nature. Two people can be dealing with the same exact situation, but will interpret or handle it in completely opposite ways. This can often manifest when every sibling that is dealing with the same parental divorce reacts differently. This could lead to even more confusion, turmoil, and pain. For example, one might criticize the other for not being able to “move on” from the grief of the divorce as quickly as they are able to. While we don’t want to remove our own parents or siblings from our lives, sometimes it’s necessary to take a break if needed. Doing so can even feel liberating. Obviously, we do need to learn how to move on enough to not be stuck in the past, but having someone else tell us how to grieve is never effective.
Repressing and ignoring our feelings will only make the healing process more difficult. Therefore, anyone who or anything that invalidates your personal feelings may need to be temporarily or permanently removed from your life in order to navigate what will work best for you.
You may be thinking that you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings or “make them mad.” But the truth is that you cannot always be putting pressure on yourself to take responsibility for someone else’s feelings, thoughts, and actions. That is easier said than done, but it is also imperative to understand this in order to live a more peaceful and healthy life. An example of reframing would be, “I do not make another person mad, they become mad based on their beliefs and perceptions. How they react is up to them, and that is okay, but I also need to respect myself and not empty my cup to fill theirs.”
Worrying about what others will think or feel can be mistaken for empathy when it is also draining your own mental health in the process. There is a very fine line between having empathy and depleting your own peace and joy. A great book to read (or listen to) regarding this common challenge is The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins.
3. Initiate and assess
Once you’ve identified your coping skills and thought about who or what you may need to remove (or take a step away from), it’s time to initiate a plan tailored to your unique “crisis”. Start by assessing where you stand in your grief journey – perhaps write down the seven stages of grief (also listed above), and determine which you’ve experienced and where you think you are currently. Hint: we do not always move through the stages in order – everyone grieves in their own way. Reflection and self-assessment are foundational for moving forward. I want you to ponder these three things:
Where were you when the grief was “raw”?
Where do you feel you are now and what is your biggest struggle that is possibly keeping you “stuck”?
Where do you want to be?
4. Set healthy boundaries
This step can be very similar to and almost intertwine with removing negativity, but you will dive deeper into the how, instead of just identifying the who or what. Think of boundary setting as your pillars of self-respect. Creating boundaries that are unique to your personal situation is a critical step in any healing process. These boundaries should apply to both yourself (internally) and others (externally). For instance, journal your thoughts and needs, then articulate them respectfully to protect your well-being. Practicing effective communication can turn overwhelming situations into manageable conversations.
Whether you’re reading this while your parents are actively moving through the divorce process, or the marriage has been over for years, you may be met with sarcastic, negative comments or “digs” from one parent about the other. Perhaps it has become so natural for them to complain about their situation or badmouth one another, and for you to always listen to them speak unfavorably about their “ex” spouse, that they don’t even realize they are doing something inappropriate. It is common when children are older, that parents almost forget the part where “their ex” is still their children’s other parent. Gently reminding them of this each time is a good starting point. It could be something as simple as saying, “It makes me uncomfortable when you talk to me about mom/dad like that.”
The first few times you set these boundaries with people who you maybe have never done so with before, will absolutely feel weird, scary, unnatural, and uncomfortable. But don’t let that stop you from doing what you need to do for your own mental health and wellbeing. It will eventually feel easier, more comfortable, and freeing.
A great book to invest in when you are new to boundary setting is Boundaries by Henry Cloud. There is also a companion workbook which is helpful for taking action.
5. Implement your plan and evaluate effectiveness
This step is often the most challenging – taking action. Implementing your plan may require uncomfortable conversations or saying "no" to people, especially if you’ve never done so before. If you’re someone who tends to please others or adapt like a “chameleon,” this will likely be an anxiety-provoking step. However, pushing through this discomfort is vital for your personal growth and healing.
During this step you will test out different coping skills, try reframing your thoughts, and attempt to set boundaries and remove some of those negative habits, people, or situations. You’ll be tying it all together, but those shoelaces will come undone, over, and over, and over. Persevering and learning from each misstep is what will move you forward. There is no such thing as failure unless you give up – there are only mistakes, lessons, and learning experiences. Recognizing even your smallest “wins” while still being realistic about what you need to work on to continue healing will be a game-changer. You’ll need to be honest with yourself and evaluate your true feelings, sometimes unburying them from the depths of your soul. This step will be a forever process, but needs to be done in baby steps and treated like a new habit that is part of your day. If you’re one to pray, PRAY. God will guide you if you ask him to and then listen. Prayer is just having a heart to heart with God, and listening is trusting your gut and noticing the signs he puts right in your face.
6. Silver linings, smiling, & serotonin
Did you know that smiling can actually provide many health benefits and it even boosts your serotonin, dopamine, and endorphins? Just the act of smiling (even if you don’t feel particularly happy) can uplift your mood and help you find positive outcomes even in tough circumstances. Try it and try to notice how you feel afterwards.
Silver linings and practicing gratitude work the same way. Even in the aftermath of a difficult marriage and divorce, there are blessings to uncover—perhaps it’s your kids, your newfound resilience, or a stronger faith in God. Finding these silver linings will help you endure and emerge stronger.
I challenge you to write down or think of at least one silver lining every single day, no matter how “bad” it is. And then smile as you think of it.
Navigating through a mix of emotions
The anger and hurt from a divorce, whether it’s yours, your parents’, (or even your grandparents’) –can feel overwhelming and unrelenting. Just like with all grief, everyone moves through the stages differently. There’s no timeline for healing, and it’s different for everyone. One of the most important things you can do is give yourself grace. Let yourself feel the emotions as they come, without judgment, and remind yourself that it’s okay to not be okay.
If you find yourself in the position of feeling as though you are having to constantly choose between your parents, it’s important to realize that’s on them, not you. It’s unfair, and it’s heartbreaking, but in reality it’s their issue, not yours. The marriage ended, and the family essentially broke apart into pieces, but we are all human and need reminders sometimes that each individual is deserving of respect and validation of how they choose to heal and move through life. It’s okay to remind your parents that their divorce is between them, and you will continue to love and spend time with both of them because you are their child, not a friend who will take sides in this situation.
Again, setting boundaries like this is absolutely necessary, but it can take time for them to respect those boundaries. Stay persistent, kind, and firm. Protecting your emotional well-being might feel overwhelming, but it’s worth it and having someone to guide and support you during this stage can be incredibly helpful.
Feeling seen, heard, understood, and validated is so important in situations like these. How can you make that happen? By connecting with others who have been through similar experiences, or finding support in group or one-on-one coaching or therapy. Working with someone who specializes in family dynamics, divorce, grief, and relationships can make a huge difference in how you process everything. You don’t have to go through this alone.
Next steps toward healing and support
Healing from something like this isn’t easy, but there are resources available to support you. My programs and products are tailor-made for each client, by utilizing this C.R.I.S.I.S. Plan. They are specifically designed to help you work through grief, set boundaries, and rebuild your strength, while providing one on one and/or community support. You will be guided step by step through actionable strategies, in order to move forward at your own pace, while addressing the challenges unique to your situation.
To explore these options further, take a look at my website or check out the latest insights and inspiration on social media (below). Yes, the healing journey can feel overwhelming, but with the right guidance, tools, and connections, it’s possible to move forward with resilience and hope, on your own terms and at your own pace. If you or someone you know could benefit from a support group, you can make your way over to this one that I recently created and see if it seems like a good fit!
Read more from Christen Bryce, RN, PMH-BC, MS
Christen Bryce, RN, PMH-BC, MS, Psychiatric Registered Nurse, Advocate & Author
Christen is a board certified psychiatric registered nurse, advocate, entrepreneur, and author. She works with a wide variety of clients struggling with mental health or relationship issues, but she specializes in marriage and family studies. Christen’s mission is to empower adult children of late-life (grey) divorce and their families to take charge of their well-being before crises escalate in their own relationships. She is devoted to redefining mental wellness through faith-based, preventative care. As the founder of The Crisis Nurse, she developed The 6-Step CRISIS Plan, to guide individuals in taking proactive steps toward emotional and psychological well-being. Through education, mentorship, and advocacy, Christen equips others with the tools to build resilience, embrace self-care, and cultivate a more fulfilling, sustainable life.
