Anxiety in Relationships – Is it Toxic or Just a Signal?
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 28
- 4 min read
Updated: Jul 29
Dr. Leslie Davis is the heart behind Eva Empowered—a movement dedicated to helping women around the world to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships and reclaim their worth.
Relationships, especially in the early stages, can evoke a range of emotions, from bliss and excitement to irritation and anxiety. When anxiety enters the room, we might wonder, “Is this a sign that the relationship is wrong or unhealthy?” Or one might ask, “Does the absence of anxiety mean that this is a healthy relationship? Let’s unpack the role of anxiety in relationships and deepen our understanding of how its presence, or absence, can be misleading.
Anxiety doesn’t always mean your partner is toxic
If you experience an anxious attachment style, you might often find yourself feeling confused, unsure, or unfairly responsible for the emotional tone of your relationship. An anxious attachment style might cause you to:
Constantly wonder if you’ve done something wrong
Try to fix the relationship when it’s not broken
Feel on edge, even when the relationship is going well
The anxious feeling in your heart may always seem to exist under the surface, sometimes for no reason at all. Sometimes anxiety in relationships manifests in behaviors such as questioning yourself, your self-worth, or your partner’s interest in you. If this goes unaddressed, you may eventually expect conflict to arise or your deepest fear, you experience emotional distance in the relationship, leading to isolation and abandonment.
Why do you feel so anxious?
Sometimes anxiety in relationships is not about the other person. It stems from previous experiences with unhealthy or toxic partners. If you’ve been hurt by someone with an avoidant attachment style, one who is typically emotionally unavailable, it can be challenging to trust your feelings in the relationship. Our hearts and minds become wired by experience, so when we sense familiarity in the relationship, we may attribute our physical responses and negative thoughts to previous attachments.
The absence of anxiety doesn't guarantee a healthy relationship
The lack of anxiety can be misleading and confusing. Here’s why:
You may not have an emotional investment
Is it possible that you don’t feel anxious because you don’t have an emotional connection? Lack of emotional connection is common for those who exhibit an avoidant attachment style, when you choose to disconnect or sabotage the relationship when someone gets too close or too vulnerable with you. But there are also times when you lack emotional connection because you’re just not that into the person. And that’s okay.
The relationship feels familiar, even if it’s toxic
Let’s be honest, when we have a pattern of engaging in toxic relationships, we learn how to navigate the relationship to avoid or mitigate conflict. Not only do you know how to identify the red flags, but you know how to keep yourself safe when red flags are flaming hot in your face.
You’ve fallen into the trap of self-silencing
At some point in your life, you’ve learned that it is safer to ignore your emotions and silence yourself. Doing this has served you well, but let me tell you, avoiding anxiety does not equate to the experience of peace. Emotional detachment can mask underlying issues that need to be addressed in a relationship before it ends in tragedy.
How can anxiety be a tool for self-awareness?
Anxiety doesn’t always feel good, but it can serve as a signal, asking us to pay attention.
Anxiety can help us reflect on our triggers and behavioral responses.
Anxiety can help us assess the level of emotional safety in the relationship.
Anxiety can assist us in identifying patterns in our relationships, providing an opportunity to make different choices.
The absence of or decreased anxiety can help us notice if someone brings peace to our lives.
3 questions to consider when feeling anxious in a relationship
Before you decide if anxiety is the deciding factor in the health of your relationship, take some time to reflect on these questions:
Has this person done something that reminds me of a painful experience?
You might be misinterpreting their behavior because subconsciously, you expect the cycle of pain to repeat itself. Pause before reacting and take time and space to reflect.
When do I feel regulated around this person?
Take notice if anxiety shows up when you are with the person or if it creeps in when you are apart. If you feel dysregulated when you are separated, you might be dealing with an anxious attachment style. Anxious attachment can improve over time with the support of a secure partner.
Am I experiencing conflict in the relationship that seems unsafe?
Some of us have never experienced healthy conflict, so when conflict arises in a relationship, we feel unsafe, and the tension can make us feel anxious. But sometimes uncomfortable conversations are necessary for change and clarity. Unhealthy or toxic conflict shows up as emotional, verbal, and sometimes, physical abuse. It can also show up as gaslighting behaviors where your partner’s manipulation causes you to second-guess yourself. You may also notice that you feel unsafe when you silence yourself instead of expressing your thoughts, emotions, wants, and needs.
Final thoughts
Remember, anxiety is a signal for us to pay attention to ourselves and our partner. The presence of anxiety is not a clear-cut indicator that the relationship is unhealthy. As we flip the coin, the absence of anxiety does not always indicate a healthy relationship. When you feel anxious, take a moment to reflect and remain curious about the experience. And dare to speak boldly of how you feel.ct.
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Dr. Leslie Davis, Clinical Counselor and Relationship Expert
Dr. Leslie Davis is the heart behind Eva Empowered—a movement dedicated to helping women around the world to break free from the cycle of toxic relationships and reclaim their worth.
Dr. D is a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor and award-winning Relationship Therapist who specializes in guiding high-achieving women and single mothers toward emotional freedom, deep healing, and healthier connections.
