Written by: Brandi Ducote, Executive Contributor Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise. What do substance abuse, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, doom scrolling, workaholism, compulsive spending, and many other mental health concerns have in common? Avoidance. More specifically, avoidance of unwanted or uncomfortable emotions. Many people enter my office with the assumption that there are certain “bad” or negative emotions to eliminate from their lives. It is this belief, however, that often contributes to an individual remaining stuck in unhealthy avoidance patterns. Instead, I offer a perspective shift to view all emotions as neutral. Once we begin to view our emotional world through this lens, we are free to be curious about what they are trying to communicate and what we need to change in our lives. Here we’ll look at 5 core emotions ̶ fear, sadness, anger, and joy. As they are connected to our basic survival responses of fight and flight, emotions are intended to provide us with information about ourselves and give us the energy needed to take action to meet our needs. Each emotion has an action urge attached to it, which signals its function. Fear, often related to the flight response, gives us the energy to move away (flee) from a threat. The purpose of fear is self-preservation. Without it, we would walk right into that cave in the woods, ignoring the growl of the bear that rests within. Sadness, which tells us to seek support from others, serves the purpose of pulling communities together. Anger tells us to attack or aggress and is connected to the fight response. It motivates us to set boundaries where necessary and protect what is important to us. Anger can also be described as a secondary emotion, as it stands up for the more vulnerable feelings of fear and sadness. Joy shows up as a signal that one of our needs has been met. It tells us to seek more of the things that are important to us. Avoidance Emotional avoidance can look a lot of different ways. In short, it is anything that we do to stuff down our unwanted feelings. This prevents our emotions from serving their intended purpose and the energy attached to them becomes trapped within us, often creating other issues like anxiety and depression. How do we begin to break this pattern of avoidance? The first step is to acknowledge the feeling. Name it to tame it Initially coined by Dr. Daniel Siegel, founding co-director of the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA, “Name It to Tame It”, describes the technique of identifying your feelings in the moment to signal to your body that you are paying attention, rather than avoiding the cues it is sending to you. By simply stating out loud, “I feel…” we can gain valuable insight about what it is that we really need (hint: it’s probably not another pair of shoes or a plate of cookies). So, next time you begin to feel any emotion, rather than picking up your phone to scroll through social media to stuff down the discomfort of the feeling, simply state out loud, “I feel [insert unwanted emotion]” and notice what feels different in your body. Visit my website for more info! Read more from Brandi! Brandi Ducote, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Brandi Ducote is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and the owner of Somatic Psychotherapy San Diego. As a highly sensitive person (HSP) who has struggled with chronic anxiety and associated somatic symptoms throughout her life, she has learned what it takes to break free of deeply engrained, destructive patterns of coping and how to build a life full of meaning and joy. In her practice today, she passes on this valuable knowledge to help others live in a way that is more congruent with who they are at their core.

will sustain you in good and bad times and regardless of the obstacles you may face in life always keep Her motto: Keep learning – keep growing!

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Written by: Desiree Marion, Special Guest Writer The familiar throbbing in your temples begin as you start the long walk up the driveway to the front door. The doorbell rings and you hear footsteps shuffling from inside. Your heart races. In a silent panic, you scour your mind searching to find that thing you forgot at the store on the way. What was it again? The door opens and immediately you are met with… What comes to mind as you think about this holiday season with your in-laws? Dread? Worry? Excitement? Whatever comes up for you, navigating the holidays with your in-laws can be a challenge. By cultivating a strategy to aid you with engaging in practical self-care, implementing boundaries, or rallying your allies, you can survive this holiday season. Practical self-care Self-care doesn’t have to be this mythical creature that no one ever really sees. It is something we can access moment by moment. Whether it be jump starting the day, on the way to the holiday dinner party, or in an effort to recover from some uncomfortable interactions, these examples of self-care can be your first step at surviving the holidays with in-laws. Practice breathwork Take this opportunity to pause and inhale deeply for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold for four seconds. Repeat as many times as needed. This simple breathing technique can increase emotion regulation and calm the nervous system. Practice mindfulness 5+4+3+2+1 Exercise 5 - Describe 5 things you can see and what they look like (colors, shapes etc.). 4 - Describe 4 things you can physically touch and what they feel like (texture, temperature, etc.). 3 - Describe 3 things you can hear and what they sound like (volume, pitch, try to copy the sounds if possible). 2 - Describe 2 things you can smell or that you enjoy the scent/fragrance of. 1 - Say 1 kind thing about yourself (e.g., I am brave). This exercise can interrupt anxious thought patterns and can bring someone back into the present moment. H.A.L.T. Check In What is one small thing you can do for yourself at this moment? Hungry - Fuel your body with food and water, etc. Angry - Journal, go for a walk, listen to music, etc. Lonely - Call a friend, spend time with loved ones, etc. Tired - Take a break, take a nap, go to bed earlier, etc. This quick check in can assist you in focusing on your most tangible needs that allow you to function day to day. Practice gratitude What are three to five things, no matter how small, that you were able to accomplish today? What are three to five things you are grateful for at this moment? Who is one person that you are grateful for and why? Practicing gratitude is like examining a photograph or an image. It an acknowledgement of what is happening in the picture, while adjusting our lens to also focus on additional details that we notice in the picture too. In an oversaturated world of “self-care” slogans that don’t often seem accessible or realistic, I invite you to give yourself permission to redefine what self-care can look like. Implementing boundaries Societal messages around the holidays often instruct us to overextend ourselves, but what if we didn’t? Sometimes being invited to the in-laws comes with requests to make unrealistic contributions to the gifts, answering invasive questions, or other forms of boundary violations. Another strategy for your survival this holiday season is to practice becoming comfortable with the discomfort of stating your boundaries; even when others are not comfortable receiving them. Sometimes boundaries can be challenging to verbalize if you are not aware of what your boundaries actually are. Oftentimes people don’t recognize a boundary until it is crossed. Common emotions that you may feel when boundaries are not respected can be sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, anger, and sometimes resentment. An intro to boundaries Complete the following as it corresponds to what you would ideally like to communicate when navigating holidays with your in-laws: I am not comfortable with… Next time I would prefer it if…instead. Thank you for thinking of me, but... Unfortunately, I am unable to do that for you this time, but I can... Let me check my calendar and get back to you about... Once you’ve practiced formulating your boundaries, take some time to practice speaking these out loud with someone or in the mirror. Practice can help you build your confidence to express your needs at the holiday gathering. Rallying your allies Allyship is the practice of supporting others, who are part of a group that is being treated unfairly, even though you are not yourself a member of this group. These allies can be spouses, friends, siblings, etc. who are committed to supporting you. Once you have identified your allies, take some time together and process what it would be like to communicate your boundaries. If you notice yourself feeling guilt or shame for vocalizing your needs, I want to share this gentle reminder: It is okay to feel guilty and to still say no. Create a code word to use that will alert your allies in person, via text, or over the phone that you are becoming overwhelmed and need back up. Collaboratively discuss what they can do to support you in these moments. Examples of this could be reiterating the boundary, redirecting the conversation, checking in on you via text while at the gathering, or sticking together. Have an exit strategy If your boundaries find themselves in combat with boundary-pushers, have an exit strategy to remove yourself from the situation or conversation that is creating distress. This can look like: Excusing yourself to use the restroom. Stating that you need to “take care of some things” and need to get off the phone. Texting or calling allies and stating that you need to “take a phone call”. Directly express that you are needing to take a moment for yourself. Whichever you choose as your out, take a moment to practice the self-care strategies mentioned above to regroup as needed. Remember that your survival guide is intended to be customizable for your use all year round. May this guide help you experience more peace this holiday season.

Keeping things fair and equal satisfies parents’ need to ensure no one is favored, no one misses out, Keeping the score fair and equal helps mitigate this guilt to some extent and provides a minimal sense The pitfalls of fair and equality with twins 3 main problems arise from the need to keep things fair This is a very common outcome of trying to keep things fair and equal.

Be Flexible Vacation is the perfect time to loosen up your fitness routine and keep things fun and flexible your usual routine, think of your vacation as a chance to explore a broader range of activities that keep your fitness routine on vacation is about maintaining your intentions and prioritizing self-care to keep Morning Meditation: A daily meditation practice can help ground you, set the tone for your day, and keep What strategies can you implement to keep up with your fitness routine while on vacation? 1.

At home, it came as a parent, was I being enough, how could I keep control of everything, are we living

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Well, what if the strength you've worked so hard to achieve is actually the very thing keeping you from You know the kind of strength I mean, the one that keeps you "safe" in your head instead of vulnerable Because hiding from my emotions, from my vulnerability, didn't just keep pain out, it kept love out too Or maybe you keep potential partners at arm's length, believing this somehow makes you more desirable

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But what if that very independence we’re so proud of is actually keeping us lonely, disconnected, overworked You crave closeness but keep people at arm's length. And it keeps you stuck in cycles of doing more, holding more, and never truly receiving the support that