Written by: Desiree Marion, Special Guest Writer
The familiar throbbing in your temples begin as you start the long walk up the driveway to the front door. The doorbell rings and you hear footsteps shuffling from inside. Your heart races. In a silent panic, you scour your mind searching to find that thing you forgot at the store on the way. What was it again? The door opens and immediately you are met with…
What comes to mind as you think about this holiday season with your in-laws? Dread? Worry? Excitement? Whatever comes up for you, navigating the holidays with your in-laws can be a challenge.
By cultivating a strategy to aid you with engaging in practical self-care, implementing boundaries, or rallying your allies, you can survive this holiday season.
Practical self-care
Self-care doesn’t have to be this mythical creature that no one ever really sees. It is something we can access moment by moment. Whether it be jump starting the day, on the way to the holiday dinner party, or in an effort to recover from some uncomfortable interactions, these examples of self-care can be your first step at surviving the holidays with in-laws.
Practice breathwork
Take this opportunity to pause and inhale deeply for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, and hold for four seconds. Repeat as many times as needed. This simple breathing technique can increase emotion regulation and calm the nervous system.
Practice mindfulness
5+4+3+2+1 Exercise
5 - Describe 5 things you can see and what they look like (colors, shapes etc.).
4 - Describe 4 things you can physically touch and what they feel like (texture, temperature, etc.).
3 - Describe 3 things you can hear and what they sound like (volume, pitch, try to copy the sounds if possible).
2 - Describe 2 things you can smell or that you enjoy the scent/fragrance of.
1 - Say 1 kind thing about yourself (e.g., I am brave).
This exercise can interrupt anxious thought patterns and can bring someone back into the present moment.
H.A.L.T. Check In
What is one small thing you can do for yourself at this moment?
Hungry - Fuel your body with food and water, etc.
Angry - Journal, go for a walk, listen to music, etc.
Lonely - Call a friend, spend time with loved ones, etc.
Tired - Take a break, take a nap, go to bed earlier, etc.
This quick check in can assist you in focusing on your most tangible needs that allow you to function day to day.
Practice gratitude
What are three to five things, no matter how small, that you were able to accomplish today?
What are three to five things you are grateful for at this moment?
Who is one person that you are grateful for and why?
Practicing gratitude is like examining a photograph or an image. It an acknowledgement of what is happening in the picture, while adjusting our lens to also focus on additional details that we notice in the picture too.
In an oversaturated world of “self-care” slogans that don’t often seem accessible or realistic, I invite you to give yourself permission to redefine what self-care can look like.
Implementing boundaries
Societal messages around the holidays often instruct us to overextend ourselves, but what if we didn’t?
Sometimes being invited to the in-laws comes with requests to make unrealistic contributions to the gifts, answering invasive questions, or other forms of boundary violations.
Another strategy for your survival this holiday season is to practice becoming comfortable with the discomfort of stating your boundaries; even when others are not comfortable receiving them.
Sometimes boundaries can be challenging to verbalize if you are not aware of what your boundaries actually are. Oftentimes people don’t recognize a boundary until it is crossed. Common emotions that you may feel when boundaries are not respected can be sadness, disappointment, embarrassment, frustration, anger, and sometimes resentment.
An intro to boundaries
Complete the following as it corresponds to what you would ideally like to communicate when navigating holidays with your in-laws:
I am not comfortable with…
Next time I would prefer it if…instead.
Thank you for thinking of me, but...
Unfortunately, I am unable to do that for you this time, but I can...
Let me check my calendar and get back to you about...
Once you’ve practiced formulating your boundaries, take some time to practice speaking these out loud with someone or in the mirror. Practice can help you build your confidence to express your needs at the holiday gathering.
Rallying your allies
Allyship is the practice of supporting others, who are part of a group that is being treated unfairly, even though you are not yourself a member of this group. These allies can be spouses, friends, siblings, etc. who are committed to supporting you.
Once you have identified your allies, take some time together and process what it would be like to communicate your boundaries. If you notice yourself feeling guilt or shame for vocalizing your needs, I want to share this gentle reminder:
It is okay to feel guilty and to still say no.
Create a code word to use that will alert your allies in person, via text, or over the phone that you are becoming overwhelmed and need back up. Collaboratively discuss what they can do to support you in these moments. Examples of this could be reiterating the boundary, redirecting the conversation, checking in on you via text while at the gathering, or sticking together.
Have an exit strategy
If your boundaries find themselves in combat with boundary-pushers, have an exit strategy to remove yourself from the situation or conversation that is creating distress.
This can look like:
Excusing yourself to use the restroom.
Stating that you need to “take care of some things” and need to get off the phone.
Texting or calling allies and stating that you need to “take a phone call”.
Directly express that you are needing to take a moment for yourself.
Whichever you choose as your out, take a moment to practice the self-care strategies mentioned above to regroup as needed.
Remember that your survival guide is intended to be customizable for your use all year round. May this guide help you experience more peace this holiday season.
