3 Reasons That Keep Leaders Lonely
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 25, 2022
- 4 min read
Written by: Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I had finished my day at work filled with the overwhelm of being spat out of a tornado. I sat in my car with my head still spinning. There were days I felt like I was running a small country. Some days I felt super accomplished, and many days I was super stressed, and super diluted.
Stress came from multiple angles. In my business, it came from countless responsibilities, hiring, firing, and inspiring, financials, where and how to spend my marketing budget, was I even within budget, how to grow profitability, and purchasing decisions, to name a few. At home, it came as a parent, was I being enough, how could I keep control of everything, are we living within our means, will I be the only one to ever bring home money, what should we have for dinner tonight, will I have time to exercise, and will I ever stop feeling tired? Oh, and my partner? They need me too. I loved the people in my business, and I loved the people in my home, but neither was a great resource for unloading my messy baggage. No one was in the same position as me; would they even understand? Would they think I was a loser for not having my shit together? This thinking often caused me to stress way more than was necessary. This thinking kept me bottling it up, not unloading or asking for advice. What I needed was a sounding board. Not someone to fix it, not to be involved, but just to listen, to help me feel heard, validated, and not think I was alone. Many professionals, business owners, and senior leaders silently suffer from these same questions and feelings. There is the unyielding burden of responsibility, which you love so much. It gives you power, self-worth, status, freedom, and sometimes imprisonment. Most people rise to the top because they have a yearning to make a difference and to exert a level of control over their future, ensure security for themselves and their families, and to feel that they have built something. For many, there is a point, where you start to wonder if there is something else. Did I miss something? To quote Douglas Adams, is this all there is to questions of life, the universe, and everything? This journey to 'success' may not be all it was cracked up to be. This can make everything seem even more lonely. There are way more questions than answers, and no one you feel safe talking with. So… Why do we stay lonely?
Don't Want to Share
You are the smart one with the answers as a professional or senior leader. You don't want to share because you feel you should know the answers to your questions. That’s why you got the job. Asking would let everyone know you really are not the person for the job, you're not capable, or maybe you aren't as smart as perhaps you or others thought. Maybe you feel like a freak. There could be more than a tinge of imposter syndrome coming in here. Imposters can feel guilt, unworthy, or ashamed. Guilt and shame can be huge motivators for not seeking help or speaking up. Shame can be one of the most painful feelings we experience as it feeds into inner
beliefs of unworthiness. At the center of all of us are limiting beliefs, irrespective of our upbringing. Unworthiness can be a pervasive belief and can also be masked in different ways, including behaviors of defensiveness, fear of failure or success, or loneliness, to name a few.
Fear of Judgement
Senior leaders or professionals may feel they are struggling. Struggling with decisions, feelings of being inept, over-pressured, or even indecisive. It is hard to ask for help when you fear being judged for this perceived 'weakness.' This is not 'weakness'; it is normal!
Doctors, senior executives, and lawyers are hard hit here as they may feel they do not want their peers to know about their problems. Many grew up in a time when they were told that it was not cool to share their feelings, tears, or mistakes. It feels easier to internalize problems, or even avoid them altogether.
Safety in Numbing
Internalizing causes us not fully to explore and release emotions which causes us to numb. Numbing can show up in multiple ways, including not experiencing depth or variety of emotional experiences. It can manifest as people pleasing or overachieving, something I learned as a self-professed workaholic.
Speaking of 'olics' alcohol, gambling, drugs, Netflix, and other addictions provide temporary relief from uncomfortable feelings. What they don't allow is the opportunity for us to process emotions which can further add to feelings of guilt or loneliness.
Learning to reconnect to our emotions starts with building our own self-awareness, performing reflective practices, and growing our emotional intelligence before assisting others. It starts with feeling heard and validated, and less alone.
If you made it to the end of this article, perhaps something resonated with you, and you feel less alone. The internet provides a wealth of connections and communities where you can seek a colleague, a coach, or a sounding board.
Not sure where to start? Schedule some time with me to unload and discover more of yourself.
Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Vivien Hudson is a reformed pharmacist who went through her own journey of discovery when she trained as a life coach, moved hemispheres, and achieved her Masters in Business Adversity. This training enlightened her to how much change we can affect in our lives by understanding stress, the stories we tell ourselves, and how we show up in our bodies. Self-awareness, finding purpose, and living authentically are at the heart of effective change and leadership. Vivien combines her experience in health and wellbeing, business ownership, and the challenges she has faced in her own life to bring depth and diversity to her work She is trained as a life and performance ontological coach, brain fitness practitioner, on purpose presenter, speaker, and corporate trainer. Her purpose is instilling courage to help those she touches live a life well-lived.
