You’re Allowed to Want More – Reclaiming Desire After Years of Suppression
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 2
- 4 min read
Michelle Wollaston is the founder of Living with Purpose and Intention and the author of the book Embrace Spirituality to Enhance Your Human Experience.
This is the third piece in a series exploring the quiet unravelling so many women go through, often unnoticed, even by themselves. If you haven’t yet read the first two, start with Are You Quietly Disappearing Into Your Own Life, which explores the early signs of emotional disappearance, and The Emotional Cost of Saying "I'm Fine", a personal story of survival and silence that often goes unseen.
This piece picks up from that place, the quiet numbness, the autopilot survival, and moves into what many women lose next: the right to want anything more. There’s a quiet grief many women carry. It doesn’t always have a name, but it often sounds like this:
“I don’t even know what I want anymore.” Or worse, “I don’t think I’m allowed to want anything.” Or quietly, “I no longer want this… but I’m not even sure what ‘this’ is.”
Desire isn’t just about sex, romance, or ambition. It’s about aliveness. Expansion. Connection. Joy. It’s the part of you that longs for beauty, pleasure, purpose, and space. And for many women, that part has been put on pause for so long that it now feels unfamiliar, even threatening.
Wanting became a threat to stability
At some point, you may have stopped asking. Not just because there wasn’t time, but because it felt safer to shrink than to speak up. Safer to be agreeable than to be disappointed. Safer to survive what you were in than risk being told you were asking too much.
Maybe you became a mother, a caregiver, the strong one, the emotional anchor, and somewhere in all the giving, you disappeared. Maybe you stopped dreaming altogether because it just felt easier to get through the day than face the ache of unmet needs.
Desire requires space, and you had none
For some of us, the silence of our desires isn’t a failure. It’s a trauma response. A form of self-protection. Because wanting requires presence, and presence was a luxury you couldn’t afford while holding everything together. Sometimes, what’s familiar can feel safer than what’s unknown, even if it’s painful.
Even if it’s emotionally abusive, even if it includes physical assault, when that’s all you’ve known for a long time, it becomes your nervous system’s version of “comfortable.”
And this doesn’t just happen in partnerships. It can show up in relationships with a parent, a child, a sibling, anyone who shaped your identity before you ever had the language to choose who you wanted to be.
It’s the same pattern we see in astrology’s South Node, the place we default to because it’s familiar, even if it no longer serves our growth. Desire lives in the North Node. But the nervous system clings to the South.
The cost of not allowing yourself to want
When desire goes underground, life flattens. You stop dressing for yourself. You stop imagining the future. You say “it’s fine” when it’s not, not because you’re lying, but because the truth feels too tender to voice.
And when you do hear that whisper of want? You question it. You call it silly. Selfish. Unrealistic. You think: “I should just be grateful,” “It’s not that bad,” “Other people have it worse,” or “Maybe this is just what life is now.” But here’s what I want you to know: You can be grateful, and still want more, you can be strong, and still long to be held, and you can be a mother, a partner, a leader, and still have a desire that’s entirely your own.
Reclaiming desire starts with one question
You don’t need a five-year plan or a reinvention. Start with this: “If nothing else mattered right now, what would I want?” Let your answer be quiet, clumsy, contradictory, just let it come. Then ask it again tomorrow, and again the next day. Desire doesn’t come roaring back. It returns like a soft knock, the one you’ve been ignoring because no one taught you how to answer it.
You don’t need to earn your longing
If this feels tender, that’s okay. It should. This is the part of you that’s been waiting. And if you’re not ready to act yet, don’t. Just begin by remembering that you’re allowed to want.
Begin here
If you’ve found yourself disconnected from your wants, your needs, your sense of self, you’re not alone. I created the Self-Reconnection Guide for women like us, the ones who have held it all together but quietly lost touch with who they are. Inside, you’ll find gentle practices, journaling prompts, and a 30-day calendar to help you return to yourself, slowly, honestly, and on your own terms.
You are not selfish. You are not overreacting. You are allowed to want more.
Read more from Michelle Wollaston
Michelle Wollaston, Spiritual Growth Advocate
Michelle Wollaston is an intuitive psychic known for her deep connection to the subtle energies that shape our lives. With an innate ability to sense and interpret the emotional and spiritual landscapes of others, she guides individuals in uncovering their true paths. Through her writing and workshops, Michelle creates a nurturing community for those eager to explore the transformative power of spirituality. She empowers individuals to embark on journeys of self-discovery, encouraging connections with their inner selves. Her passion lies in helping others embrace their true essence and create meaningful experiences that resonate with their highest potential.
