Why The End of a Relationship Isn’t The End of You
Jennie Sutton is passionate when it comes to Divorce! She is the founder of the online platform, untyingtheknot.me. Here, she offers a one-stop shop for women as an accredited finance, divorce, and domestic abuse coach and in-person court coach, assisting women in rebuilding their lives with confidence.
In the intricate dance of human relationships, there's a profound notion: "We don’t fall in love with the other person. We fall in love with the version of ourselves that we get to be through and with the other person."
Read that again.
"We don’t fall in love with the other person. We fall in love with the version of ourselves that we get to be through and with the other person."
Sit with that for a moment.
This view changes the way we can view love. It means that much of our attraction is not only about the other person but also about how we feel when we are in their presence. It is about how our worlds fit together and become bigger. That 2.0 edition of ourselves, which is shaped and refined through love.
But here’s another perspective. When a relationship ends, whether through a breakup, separation, or divorce, the grief we feel isn’t one-dimensional. It strikes on two fronts. We not only grieve the loss of our partner, but we also grieve the version of ourselves that existed within that relationship. In that moment, our sense of self can feel torn with the rhetorical and echoing question, “Who am I now?”
Who you are is not solely dependent on your partner
It is normal to feel like a part of your identity has been severed. We often link our capacity to and sustain relationships as the only means through which we can give and receive love.
And yet, this is simply not true. If you’re carrying that belief, it’s truly a lie!
Your love, kindness, and authenticity were not born solely by that relationship; they have always been an intrinsic part of you. If I were David Attenborough, I’d be shining a giant torch, beaming a spotlight on this truth. These qualities are yours. They were never dependent on another person. They are woven into the very fabric of what makes you, you.
Rediscovering yourself after divorce
The end of a relationship isn’t just a painful ending; it’s also an invitation. It’s a rare, pivotal moment to reconnect with you, free from the constant influence of external expectations or the identity we built around that union we call a relationship. This is not about trying to revert to who you were before the relationship; it’s about stepping boldly into who you are now.
And remember, “now” doesn’t have to be immediate. It could be in two days, two weeks, two months, or even two years after the relationship ended. The length of time is not the issue; it’s the intention.
This process is not about reliving the “what ifs” or thinking about how you could have somehow made the situation better. It’s about celebrating the you that is right now, celebrating the lessons you have learned, and understanding that every experience, good or bad, has brought you to this point. It’s called Life!
There is a huge amount of evidence behind the psychology of love. Love is life's most yearned-after yet difficult-to-catch experience. Science reveals love's chemical reactions, while psychology shows how we form connections, break them, and then heal, which proves love is both an emotional state and an element that transforms our lives.
So, let’s start there. Right now.
Go on, wrap your arms around yourself. Hug yourself. (I’m being serious, and enjoy the oxytocin boost!)
5 steps to reconnect with yourself after the end of a relationship
Take some time to write in a journal or to meditate and think about your values, goals, and dreams. This is your chance to get back to the root of who you are as a person without the relationship.
Maybe you put away your hobbies and interests for the relationship. Now’s the time to dig those interests out from the back of the cupboard or try something you’ve never done before. Learn to appreciate the artistic and the adventurous sides of you that have been waiting for their time.
Talk to friends, find people who can support you, or just spend time with those who make you happy. You do not have to face this journey alone. Sometimes, all it takes is a kind word or a laugh to remind you of your worth.
Relationship and divorce coaching is not about looking back; it is about looking to the future and doing so with clarity and a fresh outlook. A coach can assist you in changing your focus from what has been lost to what can be created, layer by layer.
Healing is not a straightforward process. There will be backward steps and giant leaps forward. Where you are in this process, you are exactly where you should be. Every step, every stumble, and every triumph are part of your unique story.
Forward: The truth about love and you
Here’s the truth: Love is an inherent part of your nature. It always was and always will be. Once you recognise that, you can navigate the end of a relationship with a renewed sense of resilience, knowing deep in your heart that you are the source of the love you seek.
A relationship may have helped to bring out certain aspects of your character that you liked, but those qualities? They were always there. You once had them, and you still have them. It is not the end of your identity; it is a chance to find and embrace the identity that you have always been.
So go on. Give yourself another warm, loving hug. Let that oxytocin flow freely. Take a deep, revitalising breath. Your next chapter of self-discovery is unfolding, and it all starts with you, right here, right now.
Take the next step today
If you're ready to explore your healing and celebrate the person you are following your breakup, separation, or divorce, then book a coaching call today. Let's work together to uncover the authentic you and shine a light on your path as you move forward.
Read more from Jennie Sutton
Jennie Sutton, Accredited Women's Divorce & Court Coach
Having experienced her own 30-year marriage end in divorce, Jennie turned her experience into a mission to support other women. As an accredited divorce and family court coach, she supports women who are faced with the additional challenges of domestic abuse. With twenty years as a coach and firsthand insight, she provides reassurance and guidance every step of the way. To Jennie, untying the knot is about finding the end to make a new beginning.
