Why Feeling Heard Matters More Than Being Right in Relationships
- Brainz Magazine
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Many relationship conflicts aren’t really about the topic being argued. They’re about the emotional experience underneath it. Feeling dismissed, misunderstood, or unseen often hurts more than the disagreement itself. When people feel heard, tension softens and connection returns, even if the issue isn’t fully resolved.
Why arguments escalate so quickly
Most disagreements follow the same pattern. One person shares a concern. The other hears criticism. Defenses go up. Explanations, justifications, or counterpoints rush in. Before long, both people are talking, but no one feels heard.
At that point, the nervous system is no longer focused on problem-solving. It’s focused on self-protection. When we feel emotionally unsafe, being right can start to feel like the only way to regain control or dignity in the conversation.
What people are really asking for
Underneath most complaints is a simple request:
“Do you understand me?”
“Does what I feel matter to you?”
“Am I alone in this?”
Feeling heard doesn’t mean agreement. It means the other person can reflect back what they’re experiencing without minimizing, correcting, or fixing it. That moment of recognition often calms the emotional charge enough for real dialogue to begin.
The difference between listening and waiting to speak
Many people believe they are listening when they’re actually preparing a response. True listening requires a pause, mentally and emotionally, where the goal shifts from defending a position to understanding a perspective.
Communication happens on many levels beyond words. As Jaiya reminds us in her book Your Blueprint for Pleasure, “Communication is so much more than our words. We are reading body language, facial expression, and vocal tone.” There’s also an energetic layer, something we register instinctively, even when nothing is said.
One simple practice you can try right away is reflecting back on what you heard before responding.
For example, “It sounds like you felt overwhelmed when that happened.” “You’re saying this mattered more to you than I realized.”
From there, sharing your own experience using “I” statements can help keep the conversation grounded rather than accusatory. For instance, “I didn’t realize how strongly this affected you.” “I felt defensive at first, but I want to understand this better.”
This doesn’t concede the argument. It communicates presence. And presence builds trust. These moments of presence and accountability are foundational to healthy relationship repair.
Curiosity softens conflict
Defensiveness tends to close conversations. Curiosity opens them. When you replace “That’s not what I meant” with “Can you help me understand how that landed for you?” the entire tone changes.
Curiosity signals safety. It tells the other person you’re more interested in connection than control. From that place, solutions become collaborative rather than combative.
Small shifts that change everything
You don’t need perfect communication skills to improve your relationships. Small, consistent choices matter more than polished techniques.
Simple shifts that make a difference include:
slowing down
not interrupting
checking for understanding
naming emotions as you hear them
Each of these sends the same message, “You matter to me.” Over time, these moments accumulate. Conversations feel less charged. Repair happens faster. Trust deepens.
Strong relationships aren’t built on winning
Being right may feel satisfying in the moment, but feeling understood is what builds connection. Relationships grow safer when individuals choose empathy over ego and understanding over victory.
When people feel heard, they’re more willing to listen in return. That’s where real connection lives, not in flawless communication, but in the ongoing effort to meet each other with care.
Over time, these moments of understanding don’t just change how conversations sound, they change how relationships feel, often at a nervous-system and somatic level.
Final thoughts
Conflict is inevitable. Disconnection doesn’t have to be. When you focus less on proving a point and more on understanding the person in front of you, relationships naturally become more resilient, supportive, and real.
When people feel heard consistently, the shift isn’t only emotional or mental. It’s often felt in the body as more ease, more openness, and a greater sense of safety in connection.
If this resonates
If you want to deepen communication and emotional safety in your relationships, I offer 1:1 relationship coaching focused on practical, embodied skills that help people feel seen, heard, and connected. If this resonates, you can explore more of my work and find links to my website and offerings through my Brainz Magazine author profile. At its core, this work is about creating the kind of safety where understanding can actually take root. Being heard isn’t just communication, it’s medicine.
Read more from Kristy "Ceilidh" Suler
Kristy "Ceilidh" Suler, Special Guest Writer and Executive Contributor
Kristy "Ceilidh" Suler is the founder of Heartgasm Coaching and a Sex, Relationship & Birthing Coach trained through Somatica®, Dancing for Birth™, and Orgasmic Birth, with an academic background in psychology, sociology, and peace studies. She offers 1:1 coaching for individuals, couples, and polycules, weaving trauma-informed intimacy, energy work, and sound healing into pleasure-centered transformation. Ceilidh is also the author of the forthcoming book Heartgasms: Sacred Sex, Prophetic Dreams, & the Frequency of Love. Her vision is a world where pleasure, love, and birth are reclaimed as ecstatic expressions of embodied sovereignty and a collective movement toward peace on Earth.
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