Why Being "Right" Is Drowning You – Lessons From a Bathtub Breakthrough
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 3
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 4
Written by Jayne Robinson, Spiritual Coach & Advisor
Jayne Robinson is a skilled, intuitive spiritual advisor and coach. Director of JR Coaching, International Best Selling Author of That Impact Book, and Founder of the Good Initiative.
There I was, sinking into a bath at the end of a long day, hoping to wash away the noise, the tension, the mental clutter. But instead of peace, my thoughts swirled like a whirlpool. Frustration. Resentment. The familiar ache of feeling unseen, misunderstood, judged. Trying to piece all of the puzzles together while reflecting on a conversation I had with my coach the week earlier.
And in the quiet of that moment, a hard truth surfaced, as sudden and startling as a splash of cold water.
For weeks, no make that years, I’d been convinced. I was in the right. They didn’t understand me. They were the problem. But then, like a curveball aimed straight at my certainty, the question my coach posed pierced through my righteousness:
“What if you’re doing the very thing you think they’re doing? What if you’re not accepting them?”
Oof.
That hit. Hard.
The trap of being right
The Ananias Foundation defines self-righteousness as “having or characterized by a certainty, especially an unfounded one, that one is totally correct or morally superior.” They go on to explain,
“Self-righteousness is often a defense mechanism. We feel bad about ourselves at some level, so we compensate by building ourselves up or tearing others down to make ourselves feel better.”
And there it was. Beneath the surface, the truth floated up to meet me. I wasn’t just feeling judged, I was judging right back. Protecting my fragile sense of worth by clinging to my rightness.
I realised I’d been living by a rulebook I thought was sacred, the “right” way to think, eat, behave, live. A playbook that, it turns out, doesn’t even exist.
What if… there is no single right way? What if this life is simply an experience, a blank canvas, or as some philosophers say, a simulation, one giant permission slip to live however the hell we choose?
Suddenly, I saw the imaginary rules I’d been shackling myself with. And I laughed at the absurdity whilst simultaneously still defending my position as being right. What. The. Actual. Bleep.
The ownership illusion
As I soaked in these revelations, my mind dove deeper. I saw how clinging to being right was a clever shield, a way of dodging full ownership of my choices.
Because if you’re wrong, then I can justify what I do.
“I’m doing this because you hurt me.”
“I made this choice because you left me no other option.”
If I can make you the villain, I don’t have to risk the guilt of choosing for myself. I don’t have to disappoint anyone, because, hey, you forced my hand.
But beneath all that? A deep fear of disappointment itself.
The roots of disappointment
I traced that fear back to my childhood. Little me heard those crushing words too often, “We’re not angry, Jayne. Just disappointed.”
To my young heart, that meant:
Disappointment = I’ve done something wrong.
Disappointment = I’m not a good person.
So I became a master at people-pleasing. I shape-shifted myself to fit what others wanted, what I should do. And when I dared edge toward my own desires? I found a way to blame someone else, so I wouldn’t have to sit with the guilt of choosing myself.
But here’s the raw truth that landed that night:
No matter how “right” I think I am… there is no one right way.
The shift – From rules to freedom
This echoes what I my coach shared with me many years ago, the Clare Graves Values Model. Many of us operate at Values Level Four, where we follow the rules, stay loyal to tradition or authority, and strive to be “good” by external standards. But when we grow, when we step into entrepreneurship or personal leadership, we move into Values Level Five.
At Level Five, we begin crafting our own path. We stop waiting for permission. We stop outsourcing decisions to systems, bosses, or institutions. We see that there are many right ways, and the responsibility is ours.
And yes, that’s uncomfortable. Because now there’s no one left to blame. It’s on us.
The power of disappointing
Glennon Doyle captures this so beautifully:
“Our job is to disappoint as many people as we need to, in order not to disappoint ourselves.”
At first, I thought, how bold, how rebellious, I love it. But then I understood, it’s not about wounding others. It’s about disappointing them. About gently removing them from the role of deciding for us. About appointing ourselves as the leaders of our lives.
Because every time we cling to being right to avoid disappointing others, we risk the far greater tragedy – disappointing ourselves.
Your invitation
Here’s what I’m sitting with, and maybe you’d like to reflect on these too:
Where are you still holding onto someone else’s appointment in your life?
Where have you clung to being right, so you don’t have to own your truth?
What might change if you disappointed everyone else and appointed yourself as leader?
These are messy, beautiful, liberating questions. They’re the ones I’m walking with. Maybe they’ll meet you where you ar,e too.
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Read more from Jayne Robinson
Jayne Robinson, Spiritual Coach & Advisor
Jayne Robinson is an intuitive spiritual advisor and coach. As the Director of JR Coaching and an avid student of life, Jayne is much like the phoenix rising, leaning into her edge of personal development, emerging from her own transformations and spiritual quests time and time again. As such she is dedicated to helping clients do the same, to create a vibrant new chapter in their lives. Supporting successful entrepreneurs and individuals searching for more to move beyond boredom and burnout, guiding them through a spiritual voyage of uncertainty and fear to a transformative metaphorical death to rebirth. Her mission is to embrace discomfort, uncover hidden possibilities, and transform your life.
