When Forgiveness Isn’t Enough – Healing After the Hurt They Never Apologized for
- Brainz Magazine
- Jul 28
- 6 min read
Updated: Jul 31
Margo Thompson is a Social Work professional, Educator, and CEO of Complete Care & Wellness Clinic. In her upcoming book, The Psychology of a Broken Heart, she offers a clinical and faith-rooted approach to healing emotional pain–bringing hope, clarity, and lasting change for individuals and generations to come
I don't want to be wanted or needed. I want to be loved. Those who know me personally know that I love music, and that I love to sing and dance, not as a hobby or a desire to be an artist, but just for the love of music. Music has truly been a constant source of comfort and peace in some of my most joyous and challenging times in life. Throughout my journey, I’ve learned that my love for music isn't innate or based on my need for subwoofers and club-size speakers to feel a proper baseline. No, I learned that my desire and need for a good baseline was actually my body's natural way of regulating its nervous system when I needed it the most. The words in the songs were just an added bonus, especially when they were lyrics over a perfect beat.
One of my favourite songs from my childhood is by the legendary Buju Banton, entitled "Wanna be Loved." Baseline aside, this song speaks to my soul. To me, love was just that simple, finding someone to love you, not for who they think you are or who they want you to be, but just loving you for you. And if it wasn't that, "I'd rather stay in isolation. For that special someone, a lifetime I'll wait. I know that I'll be okay."
Soul work, not just shadow work
I used to think loving me was simple: just treat me how you’d want to be treated. I'm not talking about love and treatment through material things or grand gestures, I'm talking about the “simple” love and treatment that lets you know, without a shadow of a doubt, on any given day, that you are cared for, seen, and considered.
But what happens when the person you love doesn’t even treat themselves well? What if their standard is shaped by their own shame, self-loathing, or deeply unhealed trauma?
You can’t expect someone to love you beyond the level at which they love themselves. You can’t ask someone to pour from an empty soul.
That’s a lesson I learned the hard way through marriage, personally and professionally. For years, I believed one person could create an environment of growth, security, and love enough for two. I gave. I served. I forgave. I stayed. Because I thought that’s what love does.
But here’s the truth:
I am not Jesus.
My love is strong, but it has limits. My humanity needs boundaries.
Don’t get me wrong, although some may disagree, I don’t expect perfection. I know it is challenging to show up for someone else day in and day out, morning until night, no breaks on holidays, extra effort for birthdays and anniversaries. I get it, trust me. But to me, that’s what love is all about, and anything else is a false representation of what it truly means to be in love.
What I’ve learned is that when you’ve been raised in environments where emotional neglect is regarded as strength, and conditional love gets passed off as loyalty, it’s easy to confuse dysfunction for devotion. Pastor Steven Furtick shared in his sermon What’s Hurting Your Relationships? that “when you’re deprived of healthy relationships, lust looks like love and co-dependency looks like friendship.”
And if you’re anything like me, one of the hardest parts of healing isn’t grieving what was done to you, it’s forgiving yourself for what you allowed, what you tolerated, and what you did, especially when you knew better.
The truth about forgiveness and closure – From shock to acceptance
When a loved one passes, we often talk about grief in stages - shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally, acceptance.
But what about the grief that comes from losing someone who’s still alive?
That’s heartbreak – grief’s twin. It walks alongside each of those stages, just as heavy, just as real. The two are inseparable and deserve to be acknowledged as such.
And as if that weren’t enough, there’s another layer we don’t talk about enough: closure.
Because closure doesn’t always come wrapped in an apology or offered in a final conversation. Sometimes, closure is simply clarity.
Clarity that the apology may never come.
Clarity that even if it did, it wouldn’t undo the damage.
Clarity that the signs were always there, you just weren’t ready to see them.
And while that truth can sting, it can also set you free.
Because healing doesn’t have to wait for someone else’s words. You can speak your own truth and let that be enough.
When you’re ready to live light – Let the truth lighten the load
Reconciling your story in truth, especially when it’s been twisted, silenced, or misunderstood, is one of the most freeing things you can do. It doesn’t erase the past, but it releases its grip on your present.
I’ve lived through the disorienting experience of teen pregnancy, the weight of church hurt, and the humiliation of watching my personal pain become a public talking point, on national television, no less and the heartbreak of realizing that sometimes my love won’t be enough, even when I give it my all.
I used to think these moments would break me. But now I know.
The truth can’t destroy you when it’s your truth. No matter how it’s told or who tells it. Accepting that is where you find freedom. More importantly, once you understand where someone’s hurt comes from, you get to choose your next move: Keep riding the train and allowing the hurt to lead you or get off at the next stop and embrace a different path.
From surviving to thriving
If you’ve made it this far, and you’ve taken the time to read my other articles, “What if the Way You Love is Your Toxic Trait?” and “The Way You Love Might Be Hurting You, But It Doesn’t Have to Stay That Way,” you’re probably connecting the dots, the heartbreaks you’ve carried, the patterns you’ve repeated, the roles you’ve played to survive.
And here’s what I want you to know:
Your pain is not your identity.
Your past is not your prison.
And your broken heart is not where your story ends.
There is life beyond the loss.
There is love beyond the betrayal.
There is a new beginning a new you on the other side of the pain.
But to get there, you must be willing and open to name what hurt you.
Not justify it. Not minimize it. Just tell the truth.
Tell the truth about what happened.
Tell the truth about what you felt.
Tell the truth about who you became to survive it all.
And then, gently, courageously, start reclaiming who you were always meant to be.
One day at a time. One step at a time. Sometimes. One moment at a time
In Pastor Stephanie Ike’s sermon Guard Your Heart: The Boundaries of Life, she shared a lesson that “no one ever hurts you from a place of love or wholeness.” And she’s right.
Hurt people hurt people. But healed people? Healed people choose differently. Healed people choose forgiveness and grace.
Forgiveness doesn’t mean excusing the pain. Forgiveness doesn’t even mean you’re excusing yourself, your behavior, or the behavior of whoever hurt you.
It means you’re no longer giving it power over your future. That’s grace.
You are not what they did. You are not what you did.
You are not the worst thing that happened to you. You are not broken beyond repair.
You are becoming. And that, my friend, is the kind of truth that sets you free.
Ready to go deeper?
In my upcoming book, “The Psychology of a Broken Heart,” I explore how unhealed wounds shape the way we love and how reclaiming our truth becomes the path to healing, peace, and wholeness. If you’ve ever wondered why love sometimes hurts more than it heals, this book is for you.
Pre-order your digital copy now on Amazon and take the next step toward healing and recovering the pieces of your broken heart, to repurpose them, and create something new.
Read more from Margo Monique Thompson
Margo Monique Thompson, Relationship and Personal Growth Strategist
Margo Thompson is the CEO of Complete Care & Wellness Counselling Clinic (CCWC), a Social Work professional, post-secondary Educator, personal development Counsellor, and author of the upcoming book The Psychology of a Broken Heart. With over 18 years of experience in Child Welfare, Education, Mental Health and Wellness, she is known for her compassionate,
faith-rooted approach to trauma recovery, emotional well-being, and relationships. Her insight blends formal training in Social Work and Psychology with lived experience–overcoming early adversity, nearly two decades of marriage, and raising five children with love and intention.
At CCWC, Margo leads a multidisciplinary team delivering integrated, person-centered care through Counselling, Wellness, and family services. She is especially passionate about helping others move through pain with clarity and purpose, while fostering safe, accessible spaces for healing. In her upcoming book, she gives voice to emotional wounds that often go unspoken–confronting stigma, tracing trauma to its roots, and guiding readers toward lasting transformation through the combined lens of Psychotherapy and faith-based healing.
