The Way You Love Might Be Hurting You, but It Doesn’t Have to Stay That Way
- Brainz Magazine
- Jun 26
- 5 min read
Margo Thompson is a Social Work professional, Educator, and CEO of Complete Care & Wellness Clinic. In her upcoming book, The Psychology of a Broken Heart, she offers a clinical and faith-rooted approach to healing emotional pain—bringing hope, clarity, and lasting change for individuals and generations to come
Have you been living with a broken heart? Loving through pain that never really left? Trying to give what you've never fully received? If you're anything like me, you’ve mistaken survival mechanisms for love, wrapped trauma in beautiful wrapping paper, and handed it out like a gift, hoping someone would finally stay long enough to unwrap the real you underneath.
In my last article, “What if the Way You Love is Your Toxic Trait?”, I introduced 12 trauma-informed love archetypes—rooted in unresolved adverse childhood experiences and emotional pain. I offered a glimpse into the patterns many of us unconsciously repeat: loving from our wounds, not our wholeness.
But what I didn’t say then, and what I have to say now, is this:
Hi, my name is Margo Monique Thompson and I’m a recovering Fix-It/Anchored/Fantasy/Sacrificial Lover.
A broken heart in disguise
You might think your heart is whole just because you’ve moved on. But if you’ve never really faced the break, you’ve just been rearranging the pieces.
2025 has been the year I let my heart fully break. I have been sitting with the wreckage instead of sweeping it under "I'm fine." I stopped romanticizing potential, stopped confusing control for care, and finally, finally asked myself the harder question:
Why do I love this way?
Because I wasn’t just loving others. I was loving the best way I knew how – deeply, fully, sincerely – and it hurt every time that love wasn’t received or returned in the way I needed it to be.
Heartbreak doesn’t just come from being abandoned. Sometimes it comes from abandoning yourself in the name of love.
And let me tell you, our heartbreak is killing us.
Not metaphorically. Physically. Mentally. Spiritually. When we keep choosing lovers, patterns, or behaviors that validate our deepest fears and insecurities instead of healing them, we’re dragging ourselves through life like someone with a broken leg saying, “I’m fine. Time heals all wounds.”
But time doesn’t heal what we refuse to treat. Awareness does. Truth does. Choosing differently does.
The lovers we become
These twelve trauma-informed love archetypes aren’t fiction. They’re reflections – mirrors of who we’ve become in the absence of safe, consistent, healthy love. And each one has a wound it’s protecting.
Here’s what recovery has taught me:
Healing isn’t about shame, it’s about responsibility. It’s not about blame, it’s about awareness.
I created affirmations and journal prompts for each archetype, not as a checklist, but as a soul invitation – to reflect, unravel, and rebuild. Here's a glimpse:
The fix-it lover: "I am not responsible for healing others. My love is valuable even when I am not fixing."
The sacrificial lover: "My needs matter. I do not have to bleed to prove my love."
The on-the-run lover: "Commitment is not captivity. I can choose closeness without losing myself."
The self-fulfilling prophecy lover: "I am rewriting the story: I am lovable, safe, and deserving."
The fantasy lover: "I choose to see people as they are, not as I wish them to be."
These aren’t just mantras – they’re lifelines. They are the voices I wish I had when I first realized I was loving from a broken place.
Faith, root work, and the mirror of love
The Bible tells us in Proverbs 4:23: “Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”
Yet we live like our hearts are invincible. We hand them out with no protection, no boundaries, no pause. And then we wonder why we’re exhausted, disillusioned, or numb.
But God never asked us to give love without wisdom. Even faith has structure. Even freedom has form.
In her sermon Known One, Dr. Anita Phillips talks about how we are fully known by God, even before we are formed in our mother's womb. So if our Creator knows our wounds and loves us anyway – why do we run from them? Why do we keep loving ourselves and others in ways that contradict who we’re supposed to be, who we’re becoming?
Because healing hurts. But staying broken costs more. True healing begins when we admit:
“Yes, I was hurt. But now, I choose to heal.”
Root work requires us to go back, not to relive, but to retrieve. To pull out the pain by its root – face it, let it go and then plant something new.
A love that heals
You don’t have to earn love. You don’t have to chase it. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for it.
And if no one has ever told you this: You are worthy and deserve a love that’s consistent, honest, and sees you clearly.
You’re not too broken to heal. You’re not too far gone to begin again. And you are not alone. Let your heartbreak break you open, not down.
Let it teach you how to love yourself in a way no one ever taught you. Let it show you how to set boundaries, not walls. Let it guide you back to the truth: that you don’t have to be everything to everyone. You just have to be you.
Real. Ready. Open.
In my upcoming book, The Psychology of a Broken Heart, I explore how our unhealed wounds shape the way we love and how reclaiming our stories (in honesty and in truth) is the key to healing and moving forward.
Because the way we love can quietly hurt us… or gently heal us. Choose the kind that heals and brings peace.
Read more from Margo Monique Thompson
Margo Monique Thompson, Relationship and Personal Growth Strategist
Margo Thompson is the CEO of Complete Care & Wellness Counselling Clinic (CCWC), a Social Work professional, post-secondary Educator, personal development Counsellor, and author of the upcoming book The Psychology of a Broken Heart. With over 18 years of experience in Child Welfare, Education, Mental Health and Wellness, she is known for her compassionate,
faith-rooted approach to trauma recovery, emotional well-being, and relationships. Her insight blends formal training in Social Work and Psychology with lived experience—overcoming early adversity, nearly two decades of marriage, and raising five children with love and intention.
At CCWC, Margo leads a multidisciplinary team delivering integrated, person-centered care through Counselling, Wellness, and family services. She is especially passionate about helping others move through pain with clarity and purpose, while fostering safe, accessible spaces for healing. In her upcoming book, she gives voice to emotional wounds that often go unspoken—confronting stigma, tracing trauma to its roots, and guiding readers toward lasting transformation through the combined lens of Psychotherapy and faith-based healing.
