The Weight of “Not Enough” and Understanding Self-Doubt
- Brainz Magazine
- May 18
- 6 min read
Updated: May 19
Written by Catherine Skinner, Female Empowerment Coach
Catherine Skinner is a female empowerment coach focused on the global issues that disproportionately impact women. Her vision is that every woman can discover her full potential by cultivating self-compassion, connecting with authenticity and living life on purpose.
This is a challenge that comes up for every client I work with. Self-doubt feels like the last barrier to achieving our dreams. For women, it is part of our DNA. We are raised in a patriarchal society that constantly questions us. Are you sure you can do this? Are you ready? This will be embarrassing if you fail. Are you good enough? The problem with this thinking is multifaceted and equally as flawed. Enough is so vague. It is the stuff of nothingness. Enough is dependent on the judgment of others, and what’s more, it’s completely immaterial. It is the constant gap between where you are and where you want to be. This idea of being enough is as elusive as the end of the rainbow. There is no more definitive way to miss the mark than to forget to decide where to place it.
This illusion also blurs the boundaries of what we believe is inside and outside of our control. If we are placed in an impossible position, to be perfectly balanced, aligned and fearful of getting out of line, we will try anything to stay right. Getting out of line means failure, resentment, judgment and rejection. There is no stronger compulsion for humans than that of the need for connection and belonging. We are social animals, and the idea of being “othered” is continually used as one of the most effective tools to demonise individuals, communities and whole countries. It gives us the strong desire for acceptance and the need to get things right, as the reward is security and safety. It is complicated for us to understand what is within our control anyway, because humans have a propensity towards the illusion of control. We believe that we have more control over our environment, situation or surroundings because it gives us a sense of security.
The Illusion of Control is the cornerstone of capitalism and the basis for manipulation of thought, first utilised by Freud’s cousin Edward Bernays in the world of advertising. His first item on the agenda: convince women to smoke. How? By projecting an image of sophistication and power, aka control. Not the first nor the last dirty trick that patriarchy has played. This perception of always striving towards perfection for fear of rejection is the most overused in the playbook. If you are bombarded with messages that tell you that right now you are failing, but to succeed, and crucially to be accepted – you just need to be more, or have more, or show you have more it puts us ever-tantalisingly close to achieving all the time, without ever feeling the full contentment and satisfaction of attaining it.
There have been several studies conducted to find out whether the grass was always greener. Spoiler – it was perceived to be even when it wasn’t. We are the proverbial hamster on the wheel. Self-doubt is the fuel to this engine. It means that we are kept in the same space instead of having the courage to build something new. We will never know the number of artists, writers, creatives, poets, leaders, advocates, dreamers, and all-around game changers the world has never seen because of self-doubt. What if Maya Angelou had never found the courage to sit at her desk and write? What if Rosa Parks had stayed quiet? What if the women you admire hadn’t shown you the way, or lifted you, or given you space to be who you are? The world would be a different place.
Self-doubt is not an unfortunate accident of gender. It is an intentional play by patriarchy. It is fanned by abusers who tell women they won’t survive on their own. It’s used in the workplace to justify unequal pay. It is used to keep us in line. You know the thing is, it’s one thing for us to understand it, but it’s a whole other beast if it is taken up and used against us by others, because self-doubt is there for a reason. It is part of the social constructs in which we live and has therefore become an integrated part of who we are. Self-doubt shows up to say: “Are we sure about this? I’m not sure we can do it. You’re going to look so foolish if you fail. Who do you think you are? We don’t need to cancel it out or squash it down. It’s ours. It’s a part of us, and we have the right to love and accept each part of ourselves with grace and compassion. Of course, we are feeling unsure! We have grown up in a world of not enough and had the gap between who we are and who we should be projected at us as a void to be filled, since as long as we can remember.
We have also had real-life experiences of injustice, adversity, discrimination and trauma. Self-doubt is here because if it weren’t, you would be a narcissistic psychopath with entitlement issues. You care. You just do, and that’s great! That’s what the world needs. You can recognise self-doubt, see it, feel it, hear what it has to say and then you can reality-check it. Thanks self-doubt, but I’m exactly where I want to be. I am here partly by design, but also partly by forces completely out of my control, and I’m doing my best. I have survived. I am here, and when I look back over what that means, all the times I got up and tried again, or did what was right or needed to be done. I can see for myself that self-doubt is trying to look out for me, but that I am partway on my journey, and I am making progress. It is never win or lose, do or die, succeed or fail. It is a series of small and meaningful decisions every day that build the muscle memory for you to have faith in your own judgment. It’s the path to trusting yourself. There is no right or wrong anymore. This duality of thinking diminishes the most important quality for progress, creativity.
Creativity is freedom to play, to experiment, to try and to learn. The space between knowing and not knowing is called learning. It’s uncomfortable, but it is necessary. The idea of getting comfortable with getting uncomfortable is important because it means that we can practice the feeling of not being in control, not knowing quite what will happen or how things will turn out. The biggest human commodity is knowledge. It is the basis for all transactions. You are either paying for the knowledge itself or the product of that knowledge. It means that the most effective sales technique is to be able to say I have the answer to your problem. And yet, no one has ever been exactly who you are, at this exact time, in this place, with your complete uniqueness of being and imagination. How can anyone else possibly know what you need? There are no shortcuts. There may be different methods, approaches, products or models, but no one else can know exactly what you need or where you want to be. The only person who can determine that is you, and to find out, you’ve got to try, which inevitably means failing.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great 3 devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly,"
Brene Brown/Theodore Roosevelt – Daring Greatl
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Read more from Catherine Skinner
Catherine Skinner, Female Empowerment Coach
Catherine Skinner is an expert in the field of female empowerment. A Director in the non-profit sector for 15 years, she has worked with thousands of women experiencing different challenges, from breast cancer to domestic abuse. Having reached burnout herself in 2024, she founded her own coaching practice to deal with the issues that disproportionately affect women. From burnout to being a victim of violence, women are more likely to experience these issues worldwide. Catherine’s work creates conversations, communities and safe spaces for women to share, learn and discover their full potential.
