The Truth About Hyper-Independence – When Self-Sufficiency Is a Trauma Response
- Brainz Magazine
- Aug 1
- 5 min read
Nadija is a multi-award-winning trauma and empowerment specialist with a double diploma in hypnotherapy, mind coaching, and online therapy. She is also a Reiki master and a grief educator, and she has been trained by an international grief specialist and best-selling author, David Kessler. Nadija is also an end-of-life doula.
In a world that often celebrates self-reliance as strength, we rarely stop to ask: What if doing it all alone is actually hurting us? Hyper-independence, the deep-rooted urge to handle everything by yourself, is often mistaken for resilience, confidence, or determination. But more often than not, it is a coping mechanism. A protective shield crafted not out of empowerment, but out of hurt, fear, and pain.
At its core, hyper-independence is a trauma response.
This might be hard to hear, especially if you have worn your independence like armour for most of your life. But for many, this relentless self-reliance is the voice of a wounded inner child saying, “I cannot trust anyone to show up for me, so I will do it all myself.”
Healing begins when we stop pretending we are fine, doing it all alone.
Let us explore what is truly underneath hyper-independence and how healing starts with unlearning the belief that being strong means being alone.
Childhood wounds: The birthplace of hyper-independence
In developmental psychology, our early experiences with our primary caregivers shape the lens through which we see the world. When a child grows up in an emotionally neglectful or unpredictable environment where love was conditional, help was withheld, or vulnerability was punished, they learn a painful but powerful lesson: depending on others is unsafe.
Research from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network (NCTSN) shows that children exposed to emotional neglect, inconsistent caregiving, or complex trauma often develop attachment styles based on survival rather than trust. One such style is dismissive-avoidant attachment, where independence becomes a defence mechanism. These individuals may appear self-sufficient, but underneath that is often fear of being disappointed, abandoned, or betrayed.
Dr. Nicole LePera, a holistic psychologist, explains it best:
“Hyper-independence is a nervous system response. It is what happens when your body has learned that trusting others leads to pain.”
In essence, hyper-independence is a trauma response. It is not that we chose to be this way; it is that we had to be. We learned to cope by not needing anyone.
Science speaks: The nervous system and trauma
Let us go a bit deeper. Neuroscience tells us that trauma does not just live in our memories; it lives in our bodies. According to Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, traumatic experiences, especially those in early childhood, can cause the brain to remain in a hyper-vigilant state. This often triggers a "fight, flight, freeze, or fawn" response.
Hyper-independence? It is a version of fight and flight rolled into one. We fight by becoming hyper-competent and overachieving. We flee emotionally by never letting anyone get too close or see us struggle.
Over time, this response becomes habitual. We mistake control for safety. We tell ourselves, “If I do it all myself, no one can hurt me, disappoint me, or let me down.”
But there is a heavy cost: chronic stress, burnout, loneliness, and disconnection. A study from the American Psychological Association found that those who internalize trauma without emotional support are at greater risk of anxiety disorders, depression, and physical health problems later in life.
Hyper-independence might look like strength, but unchecked, it becomes self-isolation.
Inner child healing: Reparenting ourselves with compassion
The path to healing begins by recognizing that our hyper-independence was never the problem. It was the solution. A brilliant, protective strategy developed by a younger version of us who just wanted to feel safe.
The goal is not to shame that part of ourselves; it is to understand it.
One powerful practice is inner child work, which helps reconnect us to the younger self who learned it was not safe to ask for help. This work often includes guided visualization, journaling, hypnotherapy, somatic therapy, and self-compassion exercises.
Here’s a simple journal prompt to begin:
“What did I need as a child that I did not receive? How did that shape the way I ask or do not ask for support today?”
As a trauma-informed coach and therapist, I often say,
“You are not broken. You are a masterpiece in restoration. Every survival pattern you built was an act of brilliance, not weakness.”
Healing our hyper-independence does not mean becoming helpless. It means expanding our definition of strength to include receiving. To include trust. To include rest.
Rewriting the narrative: Strength in connection
As we heal, we begin to rewrite the inner narrative that says, “I can only depend on myself.” We begin to recognize that asking for help is not weakness, it is wisdom. That receiving support is not being needy, it is being human.
Here are practical steps to start softening hyper-independence:
Start with safe people: Practice vulnerability with one or two trusted individuals. This might be a therapist, a coach, or a deeply empathetic friend.
Celebrate interdependence: Recognize that healthy relationships are built on mutual support, not perfection.
Take micro-risks: Ask for help with small tasks. Allow others to show up for you. Practice receiving without apology.
Practice nervous system regulation: Breathwork, grounding exercises, hypnotherapy, and somatic therapy can help your body feel safe enough to connect.
Affirm your worth: Remind yourself daily: “I am worthy of love, even when I am not doing everything alone.”
Final thoughts: From armour to authenticity
Hyper-independence may have protected you, but it is not who you are.
You are not meant to carry everything alone. You are allowed to rest. You are allowed to receive. You are allowed to trust.
The journey back to connection is the most courageous path of all. And with every step, you are not becoming weaker, you are becoming whole.
The real power lies in choosing softness, even after the world told you to be hard. That is not weakness. That is healing.
You are not an unfortunate victim of your past circumstances; you are an ingenious survivor.
You are not alone. And you never have to be again.
Nadija Bajrami, Strategic Hypnotherapist, Mind Coach
French by birth, Nadija lived in Scotland for 7 years and travelled the world. After recovering from some serious health issues, Nadija had a wake-up call and came to Ireland to find her path. She has been living in Dublin since 2017. Nadija is working mostly online worldwide and shares her time between Ireland, France, and Switzerland.
Nadija is a multi-award-winning trauma and empowerment specialist with a double diploma in hypnotherapy, mind coaching, and online therapy. She is also a Reiki master and a grief educator, and she has been trained by an international grief specialist and best-selling author, David Kessler. Nadija is also an end of life doula.
She is dedicated to helping her clients get empowered, supercharge their confidence and self-esteem, overcome their limiting beliefs as well as manage anxiety, and trauma responses. She also helps people on their grief and healing journey through her therapy, coaching, grief education and support programmes and spiritual work.
