The Great Divide In Motherhood – The Inner Split Nobody Talks About
- Jun 3, 2024
- 4 min read
Updated: Jun 4, 2024
Jodie, founder of Flourish Wellbeing, specialises in women's health and matrescence, offering global coaching to empower mothers through their transformative journey.
If someone had told me at the beginning of my motherhood journey nine years ago that I would be writing about matrescence and motherhood, I would never have believed them. Isn’t motherhood something that is supposed to come easily to a woman? What’s there to write about?
But over the last nine years, becoming a mother to two completely different girls, I have felt battered and bruised, lost and found myself, experienced many lows, and climbed my way back to the top. Motherhood really is duality at its best. There were moments when I felt so alone and isolated in my experiences. It wasn’t until I started having conversations with other mums that I began to realise I was not alone in these feelings. In fact, many other mums felt exactly the same way. Motherhood is not easy.
Motherhood is a journey of profound transformation. While the joy and fulfilment it brings are often celebrated, there is an unspoken reality many mothers face – the Inner Split. This emotional and psychological divide, also known as the "Inner Split," is an integral part of matrescence, the process of becoming a mother. Let's delve into this topic and uncover the complexities of this inner conflict that many mothers silently endure.
When we become a mother, we split in two – who we used to be, and the Mother” Amy Taylor-Kabbaz
What is the inner split in motherhood?
The inner split refers to the internal conflict mothers experience as they navigate the shift from their pre-motherhood identity to their new role as a mother. Its the divide between being a woman with dreams, ambitions, and an identity, and being a mother, with all its beautiful, complicated, and all-consuming demands and gifts, can be profound. Matrescence was coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael, this term is not only the word that describes the transition into motherhood it also encapsulates the dual existence many women find themselves living – balancing their personal aspirations and desires with the demands and responsibilities of motherhood.
The identity shift: Who am I now?
One of the most challenging aspects of the inner split is the identity shift. Before motherhood, a woman may have clear goals, a career path, and a sense of self. The arrival of a child can upend this established identity, leading to a sense of loss and confusion. Many mothers ask themselves, "Who am I now?" as they strive to integrate their new role with their former self. I never experienced this with my first child as I was content being a stay at home mum, but as the years went on I found my passion for health and wellness I struggled with the ‘inner split’ after my second girl was born. I wanted to pursue founding my own business but felt like I also needed to be with my baby.
Emotional conflict: Torn between two worlds
The inner split creates an emotional tug-of-war. On one side is the nurturing, selfless mother who puts her child's needs first. On the other is the individual with personal dreams, needs, and ambitions. This conflict can lead to feelings of guilt, frustration, and even resentment. It's crucial to recognize that these feelings are a normal part of the motherhood experience.
Cultural expectations: The pressure to be perfect
Societal and cultural expectations add another layer to the inner split. Mothers are often bombarded with messages about what they "should" be doing – from breastfeeding and sleep training to balancing work and home life seamlessly. We are fed the dream of being able to have it all. In reality something will always need to be sacrificed, be it a career, family time, health, or relationships. These unrealistic standards can intensify the inner conflict, making mothers feel inadequate or like they are failing in their roles.
Coping with the inner split
Acknowledging the inner split is the first step toward coping with it. Here are some strategies that can help:
Self-compassion: Be kind to yourself. Understand that it’s okay to have conflicting feelings and that they do not diminish your worth as a mother or an individual.
Seek support: Talk to other mothers, join support groups, or seek professional counselling. Sharing your experiences can provide comfort and practical advice.
Set realistic expectations: Challenge societal norms and set realistic expectations for yourself. Remember, there is no one "right" way to be a mother.
Prioritize self-care: Make time for yourself. Engage in activities that you enjoy and that fulfil your personal needs.
Communicate: Openly communicate with your partner, family, and friends about your feelings. Their support and understanding can make a significant difference.
Embracing the journey
The inner split is a natural part of matrescence. Embracing this journey with its highs and lows can lead to a more authentic and fulfilling motherhood experience. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your well-being alongside your child's. By acknowledging and addressing the inner split, you can find a balance that nurtures both your identity and your role as a mother.
Motherhood is a transformative journey, and you don't have to navigate it alone. If you're feeling the inner split and seeking support, guidance, and community, follow me for more insights and inspiration.
Connect with me on social media for daily tips and motivation, and consider coaching with me to unlock your full potential as both a woman and a mother. Let's flourish together!
Read more from Jodie Abraham
Jodie Abraham, Women's Health & Matrescence Coach
Jodie isn't just a Nutrition, Health, and Wellness Coach – she's a compassionate advocate for mothers. With certifications as a Mama Rising Facilitator, Motherhood Coach, and Women's Health and Hormone Coach, Jodie brings expertise and empathy to her practice. As a mother of two who has experienced postnatal depletion and depression herself, she intimately understands the challenges of motherhood, offering non-judgemental support and practical guidance to mothers on their transformative journeys. She deeply believes all mothers deserve to thrive and flourish in motherhood.
