The Do’s and Don’ts of Divorce – A Lawyer’s Guide to Breaking Up Without Breaking Down
- Brainz Magazine
- Apr 3
- 9 min read
Updated: Apr 4
Carlie Spencer is a family law attorney and founder of Strive Law Firm, where she helps clients navigate prenups, divorce, and beyond. Known as The Prenup Girl, she authored The Prenup Girl’s Guide to a Successful Marriage, offering a fun yet practical approach to financial planning before marriage.
Divorce is not just an emotional rollercoaster, it is also a legal obstacle course. Whether you are the one calling it quits or just received the "we need to talk" text of doom, knowing the do’s and don’ts can make all the difference. Let’s face it, regardless of your age, emotional intelligence, career, or family support (or lack thereof), divorce is messy. There is no way around it. Then you add children and pets to the mix? Forget about trying to get out unscathed.
While this is not meant to be an article that stresses everyone should hire a lawyer during their divorce, it is also not an article that doesn’t stress that everyone should hire a lawyer during their divorce to help minimize the mess.
As a family law attorney, I have seen the best and worst-case scenarios play out in courtrooms, coffee shops, police stations, McDonald’s parking lots, and co-parenting text threads. Divorce can theoretically be smooth, but more often than not, it is a legal and emotional battlefield. One thing is for sure: making smart, informed decisions can set you up for a better future.
Here’s a comprehensive guide to help you navigate divorce, complemented by a curated playlist to keep your spirits up so you can break it down without breaking down.
Do: Consult OR hire a lawyer
Look, I get it, lawyers are not cheap, and sometimes not very pleasant either. But neither is making a catastrophic legal mistake that could cost you tens (or hundreds) of thousands of dollars down the line, and a lot of heartburn as well. Even if your divorce seems simple, consulting with an experienced family law attorney is one of the smartest investments you can make. If your case truly is “simple,” your final bill will reflect that.
DIY divorces might seem like a good idea (especially after a few too many TikTok legal hacks), but even the most amicable split can get legally complicated. A good lawyer will protect your rights, explain state-specific divorce laws, ensure fair division of assets and debts, and keep you from making emotional decisions that could hurt you long-term.
Fun Fact: Your lawyer is not your therapist. Vent to friends, scream-sing in the car (you can use all our song recommendations in this article), journal your feelings, but do not use your billable hours for emotional support unless you want the world’s most expensive pep talk.
When to consult vs. when to hire
Consult a Lawyer if your divorce is uncontested, amicable, and you and your spouse have already agreed on how to split assets, custody, and debts. A consultation ensures you are not unknowingly signing away your rights. In some states, the failure to raise alimony or other claims when you file for divorce may permanently bar you from ever being able to raise the legal claim in the future.
Hire a Lawyer if there are disputes over money, kids, property, or hidden assets, or if your ex suddenly gets shady and stops cooperating. A good attorney protects your rights, handles negotiations, and makes sure you do not accidentally agree to something absurd, like still paying your ex’s Netflix bill indefinitely.
Bonus Tip: If hiring an attorney feels financially impossible, check to see if your state has pro bono (free) legal services, legal aid clinics, or limited-scope representation, where an attorney helps with only certain aspects of your case to save you money.
Song Recommendation: "Help!" – The Beatles
Song Recommendation: "You Need to Calm Down" – Taylor Swift
Don’t: Use google, your criminal defense attorney friend, or your cousin’s divorce as your lawyer
I promise you, just because something happened in your cousin’s divorce in Texas or Timbuktu does not mean the same will happen in yours in North Carolina, or whatever state you live in. Divorce laws vary by state, and what worked for your best friend’s coworker’s sister is not a legal strategy—it is gossip at best and a fairytale at worst.
Top 3 "Legal" resources you should avoid:
Google law school: Yes, you should educate yourself, but skimming Reddit threads and clicking on the first legal blog you find does not make you a divorce expert. Much of the online legal advice is outdated, state-specific, or just plain wrong. As a family lawyer in North Carolina, I am on dozens of North Carolina Facebook pages where I see misinformation communicated DAILY from non-lawyers to people in need, and it is extremely dangerous in some circumstances to believe and take this advice. Google is a decent starting point, but if your family lawyer tells you something that contradicts your Google, Facebook, or Reddit research, I would venture to guess that the lawyer is the one who is correct.
Your friend who is some type of lawyer… but not a divorce lawyer: Unless they actively practice family law, their legal advice is about as useful as a weather forecast from last week. Would you ask a podiatrist to do brain surgery? No. Same rule applies here. I get asked about speeding tickets all the time and could not even tell you the very first thing to do in resolving that matter.
That one divorce you heard about that sounds kind of like yours: Every divorce is unique. What worked for your friend, neighbor, or that celebrity on TMZ may not apply to your situation. Laws, finances, custody battles, and court rulings are all different based on jurisdiction, judge, and circumstances.
Golden Rule: When in doubt, talk to an actual family law attorney, preferably one with experience in your state and county and a reputation for knowing their stuff. You would not diagnose yourself on WebMD and then perform your own surgery (I hope), so do not try to DIY your divorce based on internet hearsay.
Song Recommendation: "Rumor Has It" – Adele
Do: Get your financial ducks in a row
Before you even say the D-word out loud, take stock of your personal and marital financial situation. If your ex was the CFO of your household, now is the time to get familiar with your bank accounts, assets, debts, and expenses. The more informed you are, the better equipped you will be in negotiations or the courtroom. If you are in charge of all the finances, make sure you are ready to hand over and disclose information from all the accounts.
Remember, courts have mandatory financial disclosures, so whether you are negotiating and settling outside of court or battling it out through litigation, disclosures are normal, and you should be aware there is always a paper trail. We have all heard the saying “knowledge is power,” and that could not be more true in the divorce process. It is hard to know what you deserve if you do not know what you and your partner have.
Regardless of what jurisdiction you are located in, here are some documents that you need to gather: bank statements (checking, savings, and investment accounts), tax returns (at least the last three years), retirement and pension accounts, debt statements (credit cards, loans, mortgages), property deeds and vehicle titles, monthly expenses (utilities, insurance, childcare, groceries).
Pro Tip: If you and your soon-to-be ex are on decent terms, consider running a free credit report together to see what accounts you both need to address. If not, do it solo so you are not completely blindsided by any mystery debts.
Want to go through your finances and have something appropriate to listen to and get in the mood?
Try out "Money" by Cardi B.
Don’t: Play hide and seek with assets
If you are thinking of emptying the joint bank account, secretly moving money to a friend’s account, or “forgetting” to disclose that investment property, don’t. Hiding assets is not just shady, it’s illegal. Whether you have controlled all the finances in your marriage or blindly trusted your spouse to do so, one thing I remind everyone is this: hiding money and assets, and getting away with it, is a lot more difficult than you think, and lawyers know how to find it.
Even more important, courts do NOT take kindly to financial funny business, and getting caught can result in penalties, sanctions, or even perjury charges.
Reality Check: If you’re thinking, “But my friend’s cousin’s ex did it and got away with it,” trust me, this is not the move. Divorce courts have forensic accountants and subpoena power.
Song Recommendation: "Bad Blood" – Taylor Swift
Do: Think about the kids first
If kids are involved, your personal feud takes a backseat to their well-being. Courts operate under the best interest of the child standard, which means they prioritize stable, loving environments, ideally with both parents actively involved.
If you and your ex can work out a parenting plan without the court’s intervention, that’s a huge win. If not, a judge will decide based on factors like each parent’s ability to provide a stable home, the child’s relationship with each parent, any history of domestic violence or neglect, and the child’s own wishes (in some cases).
Pro Tip: Keep a parenting journal to document schedules, expenses, and any concerning behavior. If custody disputes arise, having a record of who is doing the heavy lifting can be invaluable.
Song Recommendation: "Love on Top" – Beyoncé
Don’t: Weaponize your children
Using kids to punish your ex is a massive mistake. This includes talking badly about the other parent in front of them, blocking visitation to “get even,” or making them feel like they have to pick sides. It should go without saying, but do not do any of these things. Judges hate when one parent tries to alienate the other. It is called parental alienation, and if the court believes you’re engaging in it, you might end up with reduced custody rights.
Would you want your child’s relationship with their other parent destroyed just because you are mad? If the answer is no, take the high road.
Song Recommendation: "Somebody That I Used to Know" – Gotye
Do: Consider mediation or settlement
Litigation is expensive and emotionally draining. Mediation or a negotiated settlement can save you: thousands in legal fees, months (or years) of court battles, and emotional stress.
Remember, if you have children together, you still have to co-parent with your ex. Airing all your dirty laundry in court doesn’t make this task any easier.
Mediation allows you and your ex to work together (with a neutral third party, the mediator) to reach a fair agreement on finances, property, and custody. Judges love when couples do this. It shows you are both acting like responsible adults.
Song Recommendation: "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" – Taylor Swift
Don’t: Let your emotions dictate decisions
Revenge spending, fighting over every lamp, or refusing a fair settlement just to make your ex suffer? That is a fast track to a longer, costlier divorce. Future you will thank present you for handling this with logic, not pettiness.
Taking the emotion out of the divorce is a lot easier when you have lawyers to buffer your communication with your ex and navigate the issues with an objective approach.
Think long-term. Do you want to be fighting over Tupperware, or do you want to move on with your life? Exactly.
Song Recommendation: "Since U Been Gone" – Kelly Clarkson
Don’t: Use social media as a weapon
Posting cryptic quotes, bashing your ex, or flexing your post-divorce glow-up can (and will) be used against you. Screenshots last forever, and that “harmless” Instagram story might be Exhibit A in court.
Golden Rule: If you would not say it directly to or in front of a judge, do NOT post it online.
Song Recommendation: "Before He Cheats" – Carrie Underwood
Final thoughts: Divorce is hard, but you are stronger than you think
Divorce is tough, but so are you. Making smart legal choices now sets you up for a smoother future. Whether you need a prenup for next time (wink), a solid co-parenting plan, or just the peace of mind that you handled your split like a boss, being informed is your best asset.
Song Recommendation: "Survivor" – Destiny’s Child
At Strive Law Firm we have our very own curated Spotify playlist for people going through a divorce that you can listen to here.
Read more from Carlie Spencer
Carlie Spencer, Law Attorney, Author & Advocate
Dedicated to empowering individuals with the knowledge to make confident legal and financial decisions, Carlie has built a career at the intersection of family law and education. As the founder of Strive Law Firm, she provides personalized legal solutions for individuals facing major life transitions, from prenuptial agreements to divorce settlements and litigation. Beyond her firm, Carlie is passionate about legal education and mentorship. She serves as a supervising attorney for Campbell Law School’s Pro Bono Family Law Clinic, where she guides law students in providing critical legal services to underserved communities. Through this work, she is helping shape the next generation of family law attorneys while expanding access to justice.
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