Taking Back Your Power by Learning to Make Bold Decisions with Confidence
- Brainz Magazine
- 2 days ago
- 4 min read
Debra Jane Wales is a coach, somatic and yoga movement educator who helps people live with more freedom and ease. Debbie's mission is clear as day: To help you move closer to yourself and to feeling UN-stuck, your way, the way it's supposed to be!
When you’re ready to stop letting others decide for you, sometimes we leave decisions so long to percolate that someone else, or something else, has no choice but to decide for us; It could be a twist of fate, another person in a relationship, or a situation in the workplace. In reality, sometimes that twist of fate can be the best thing that happens, but given that the blessing is rarely felt in the moment, it would be helpful if we could avoid the unchosen transition and rather have the chosen transition, even if hard.
For sure, occasionally, the decision to postpone making an immediate decision is wise. And it’s also true that some of the worst decisions have been made in haste, both personally and even those having a global impact. However, haste isn’t necessarily a decision but more so a reaction, and this is another conversation.
If you struggle to make decisions, more so chronically, quite often it’s hiding an underlying and unconscious truth.
Not having a real sense of who you are, what your deepest core values are, or what you really want.
Or
The child is waiting for the adult to take over. Here, the message is “I don’t want to take responsibility if it goes wrong.” “What if?”
It’s the same kind of tendency that makes humans look to the stars, or to ask the gods for answers, or to constantly ask others, “What would you do?”
How does this mechanism get started?
Ultimately, it’s not our ‘Fault’, it is, however, ‘A fault’. The childhood conditioning and the messages we received, whether they were from family, friends, teachers, community, or the world. Those messages that were sometimes destructive and abusive, and even those that were perceived as destructive and abusive for our tiny worlds, may have caused us to question who we are, what we are worth, and whether our words, decisions, and feelings are valid. Those messages may then become frozen in time.
The emotional brain plays a big part in how we think, feel, act, behave, relate and decide. When life is running smoothly and is manageable, when we have a healthy self-image and esteem, the emotional brain plays a smaller part, and the prefrontal cortex ( let’s call this the grown-up brain) can make a choice with self-awareness and presence. It may or may not be correct, but it’s willing to make that decision anyway.
When the self-image feels inferior or shamed, the emotional brain plays the larger part, and now the wounded child is running the show. The problem is that children don’t make decisions, and if they do, they are based on how much ice cream, gold stars, or love they will get. As adults, that strategy doesn’t work, but unconsciously the wounded child may take over anyway: “Best let someone else make the decision for me!”
The truth is when we keep leaving decisions to other’s or the “Wait and see because I’m scared to make a decision timeline” it eventually erodes confidence, self trust, and self respect - We miss opportunities, the wisdom of failing and succeeding - we blame, shame and criticise when life doesn’t unfold as we hoped.
When we are brave and bold enough to make decisions, we become stronger in the face of failure and success, we hold ourselves accountable, and take responsibility even if things don’t go as planned.
The most essential thing you can do at this point is to start by asking yourself..
Who is running the show?
Do I tend to leave decision-making to others?
Does it feel uncomfortable making important decisions? If so, how? Do you feel it in your body? If so, where?
Do you notice an inner critic? Is that a voice, a feeling, a shape?
Are there any beliefs or conditioning that are impacting your life in some way? Have you recovered or, more so, discovered any unmet needs?
These are just some ideas, so please be aware that we, life, and its issues and complexities are not as simple as a few bullet points. However, take it from someone who has really been in the Trauma Shame Soup. You can transform your thinking and your life. It takes some ‘work’, deep reflection, and guidance, but over time patterns of blame, shame, disappointment, resentment, and envy can be turned into more clarity, responsibility, decision making and ultimately more growth, health and harmony.
Debra Jane Wales, Embodied Freedom and Life Coach
Debra Jane Wales is an embodied life coach, somatic movement and yoga educator who helps people dissolve the hard places or mental and cultural constructs that deter them from living a freer life. Diagnosed Autistic with ADHD and having overcome numerous horrific Traumas and a suicide attempt, Debs' mission became clear as day. To help you move closer to your True self and to feeling UN-stuck, your way. The way it's supposed to be!
